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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you interpret this from a friend?

72 replies

Fakerecords · 08/07/2022 21:07

Say you message them on a Tuesday asking if they want to go for dinner/go see a film etc.
And they reply saying, "It's too early to say what I'm doing yet."
She doesn't have children or other commitments that I know of.
Don't see why it's so hard to commit to something 4 days away? It's not like I'm asking months in advance.
It just seems like she's waiting for a better offer first. Does it?

OP posts:
Musti · 09/07/2022 05:07

To be honest I don’t like to plan too much in advance. I like to wait until the last moment because I don’t know how I’ll feel that day. Tired and wanting to relax, or happy to do something. I also have adhd and find it easier to play things by ear.

hattie43 · 09/07/2022 05:23

It doesn't sound like your her priority that's for sure ' I'm not sure what I'm doing yet ' means she'll see what else comes her way . Very selfish because you're not asking to spend the whole weekend with her just an evening .
Not sure how good a friend she is tbh

PointyMcguire · 09/07/2022 05:24

I’m 13wks pregnant and over the last few months have absolutely replied like that to a few catch ups as I just don’t know how I’m going to be feeling from one day to the next. It’s been really tricky to navigate as I’m aware I probably look like a shit friend, but equally having previously had a miscarriage it’s way too early in my mind to share the news. It could be something as simple as that maybe?

KatherineJaneway · 09/07/2022 05:35

I'd interpret it as they were not my friend as they didn't want to spend time with me.

mycatisannoying · 09/07/2022 05:53

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/07/2022 21:10

It's too early for me to commit to you as either (good) my rota isn't out yet for my weekend shifts or (bad) I would rather do something else with someone else.

If she isn't a shift worker waiting for her rota, I'd be quite snippy in my reply.

"OK, sounds like you are holding out for something more fun so let's just leave it"

I like this reply.

I would need to let my point be known, rather than seethe quietly.

But OP, YANBU. She's rude.

Marvellousmadness · 09/07/2022 06:40

I HATE planning for 4 days away
What if im not in the mood. What if I dont feel like it etc.
Ar least she is upfront about it.

Some people get anxious about having to bind themselves to a social outing days before it actually is supposed to take place.

drpet49 · 09/07/2022 06:45

She’s no friend. Just waiting for a better offer. I wouldn’t bother with her at all.

swanfake · 09/07/2022 06:48

If it was a regular reply then yes I'd be annoyed, but if it's a one off then I'd give the benefit of the doubt.

Might be that she's committed to do something with/for someone else but doesn't know the details of it yet. For example, I said I would drive my mum to the banks and solicitors when my grandmother died to sort everything out. I knew I was doing it some point in the next week, but when fully depended on my mums health that day and whether my uncle was also available. So I was busy but could have fitted someone in when/if I knew the details of the other commitment. I wouldn't necessarily jump to drama.

Shoxfordian · 09/07/2022 06:48

I wouldn’t bother asking her to do anything else; I have no time for flakey

OTOlive · 09/07/2022 08:19

You’re a C list friend in her eyes. She’s waiting to see if something else comes up or if she can be bothered.

I’d text back the next day and say “We went to see Top Gun 2 [or whatever it was] last night. Such an amazing film!! Definitely recommend”

Take your invite off the table!!

dudsville · 09/07/2022 08:26

I would assume we're not the friends i thought we were but that she but been able to let me know.

Starmoonsunlight · 09/07/2022 08:38

An ex friend of mine did this. Hence being an ex friend. She's selfish and flaky. 4 days isn't loads of advance planning. I have stuff booked up until October! I'd drop her, and be quite direct about it. I'e "I have a busy life and need to make plans so I'm not prepared to be kept waiting last minute whilst you see if a better offer comes in".

billy1966 · 09/07/2022 08:47

Very rude.

I think the reply from @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz is perfect.

I wouldn't dream of asking again.

SeasonFinale · 09/07/2022 08:50

Maybe she doesn't know what work she has on and how late she may end up working and therefore whether she can commit or will be too tired. As a solicitor I would never make Friday plans as you just never knew what would be happening on set days.

Fairyliz · 09/07/2022 09:02

All these people making excuses and saying she might have other commitments, if you were a friend wouldn’t you either already know or your friend would say?
Eg sorry I’m not sure about Friday as work is manic and I might have to stay late.

Hurstlandshome · 09/07/2022 09:05

Suspect if you stopped asking her or contacting her, you'd completely drift apart. Let this one run its course.

Adversity · 09/07/2022 09:17

I have health issues which my friends know I can’t always commit, that’s genuine. Your alleged mate has you low down her list. Leave it and let her always ask, see what happens.

Shitscared123 · 09/07/2022 10:05

More context needed about her situation. Maybe she has issues going on.

FiremanSid · 09/07/2022 11:23

Does she have a secret relationship (maybe with a married man) and she's waiting to see whether he's free that night first? Doesn't make her a good friend, but I've had a friend go flakey on me before for this reason. I'd stop inviting her for a bit and see if things improve in a few months.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 09/07/2022 11:31

I think the appropriate reply should be, OK I will ask xxx if she can't make it I will get back to you. Make it clear you are not going to be left dangling whilst she waits to see if something better comes along.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/07/2022 12:25

She might be waiting for a better offer or she might be one of those people who hates planning ahead, or has anxiety sometimes or something.

Either way -
Its written quite rudely as leaves you hanging. If it was me and I had some genuine reason where I didnt want to commit that early I'd acknowledge that it made it awkward for the other person and say id tell them by x date but appreciate if they need to know now then I understand if they make other arrangements

It means there are people she wont see, lots of people are really busy or need to arrange childcare or something and cant do stuff last minute

I would just arrange something else if you feel like it, absolutely no way would I be hanging round til she feels like she is ready to tell you she can make it.

clpsmum · 09/07/2022 12:26

Waiting for a better offer. Really rude. I'd be tempted to reply no worries I'll make other plans

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/07/2022 12:27

So I wouldn't actually reply, unless I'd organised something else and then it would be 'ok don't worry about it, I've arranged something else now anyway as didn't want to get to the weekend and chance not doing anything' or similar

MatildaTheCat · 09/07/2022 12:28

Marvellousmadness · 09/07/2022 06:40

I HATE planning for 4 days away
What if im not in the mood. What if I dont feel like it etc.
Ar least she is upfront about it.

Some people get anxious about having to bind themselves to a social outing days before it actually is supposed to take place.

How on Earth do you ever arrange anything if 4 days is too far away to decide? I hear what you are saying but it must be really difficult for other people to work with this.

Im in the camp of thinking it sounds like she’s hoping for a better offer. I’d certainly reply saying let’s leave it then.

ivorthengine · 09/07/2022 12:29

Is friend single? Hoping to get a date?

I have a friend who does this

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