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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you interpret this from a friend?

72 replies

Fakerecords · 08/07/2022 21:07

Say you message them on a Tuesday asking if they want to go for dinner/go see a film etc.
And they reply saying, "It's too early to say what I'm doing yet."
She doesn't have children or other commitments that I know of.
Don't see why it's so hard to commit to something 4 days away? It's not like I'm asking months in advance.
It just seems like she's waiting for a better offer first. Does it?

OP posts:

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/07/2022 12:31

Bit abrupt isn't it.

Does she have a chronic illness? I do and can't make plans in advance very easily but probably wouldn't have been so blunt.

It is what it is, I wouldn't embarrass yourself with a passive aggressive reply OP, just see if she contacts you or speak to her diplomatically about your feelings on it.

KirstenBlest · 09/07/2022 12:35

I do it because I find it hard to commit to something like a meal - I eat when I'm hungry.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 09/07/2022 12:36

She's very rude and treating you as a back up option considering she doesn't work weekends and no children
I'd reply with.. No worries I'll make other plans( even if that's Tv and a glass of wine)

KirstenBlest · 09/07/2022 12:37

Ah yes, the child-free have nothing at all to do do they

KarmaStar · 09/07/2022 12:37

She's not your friend op.
some relationships just naturally end.
move away from her as that was a very clear sign from her that she has from you.
🌈 you're better than that.

Lovinglife45 · 09/07/2022 12:44

Her refusal to comitt at this stage means if she receives a better offer, she will decline your offer.

She is either free or she is not free.

I guarantee if you stop initiating contact, you will not see or hear from her again. Last year I stopped reaching out to two acquaintances and surprise surprise I have not heard from either.

I had to face reality that I was doing all the legwork. I had to ask myself was I that desperate to keep it all going for twice a year coffee/playdates. No!

EthicalNonMahogany · 09/07/2022 12:48

@KirstenBlest you do know that restaurants serve small plates or just drinks? And also that your body needs food each day so it's pretty easy to plan to be hungry at 7pm by moderating what you eat over the preceding hours?

dreamingbohemian · 09/07/2022 12:50

If you always get this answer on a Tuesday, why don't you wait until Thursday to ask her? If she still says she doesn't know what she's doing yet, then it's a bit more obvious she's blowing you off.

I'm not like that myself but I have had friends like this, that can't commit until last minute, and it's just the way they are, with everyone.

lljkk · 09/07/2022 12:51

You're making a lot of demands about how she organises her time, OP.

If you have better opportunities: take them.

EthicalNonMahogany · 09/07/2022 12:53

I do think if people have anxiety they need to explain. I have a lovely friend who says she'd like to come out but finds it really hard to commit so please bear with her as she'd love to see us if possible.

Plus people who prioritise their work - same thing, it's easy to say being a lawyer or junior doctor means i can't plan, please bear with my cancellations as one time in 3 i will make it and then we can keep our friendship which is important to me.

Completely different from people just vaguely seeing what they feel like. We're all tired every so often and don't feel it. A mixture of preplanning so we have the energy for it, and sucking it up a bit so our friends feel valued, is how most of us manage.

BMW6 · 09/07/2022 13:24

I think I would reply

"Hmm, sounds like you are hoping for a better offer? "

And see what she says

Windbeneathmybingowings · 09/07/2022 13:26

I had a friend like this. Thought ah it’s just her.

Then I heard she regularly sees another mate all the time, whenever. Bye bye!

KirstenBlest · 09/07/2022 13:43

@EthicalNonMahogany , I don't normally eat in the evenings so I'd need to go hungry in the day.
I've been caught out before now with lunch and evening meal invites - turned up hungry to be told they'd already eaten then been offered a handful of nuts or a bowl of dry cereal (not the same person). I can't function when I'm hungry.

I'm not keen on eating out and can't see the point of nibbling on a side salad or something just to keep someone company

SquirrelFan · 09/07/2022 13:53

I think with some friends, you need to lower your expectations. On this thread, there are a few people who don't like planning ahead. Maybe your friend is one of them. It's not necessarily personal, it's not necessarily rude, it's just how she is. If you are uncomfortable with it, and prefer to plan ahead, then maybe this friendship will dwindle away. But I really would not assume she's holding out for a better offer.
Also, to those who are suggesting she's hoping to be asked on a date--why is that so wrong? (Aside from the whole "being asked" because that is archaic, but it's how a lot of people do the whole dating thing.) A date is (best case scenario) an investment in a future of being coupled up, which many people want! If she's prioritising her future goal of being married/having an ltr, then again you might not be comfortable with it but I don't think it's the worst thing in the world.

fishonabicycle · 09/07/2022 13:57

Only really reasonable if she has a very demanding unpredictable job.

Cornishclio · 09/07/2022 19:58

I have a friend like this. Very flaky and I don't bother much any more with her. You either have to be prepared to make all the effort or be let down last minute or accept she won't change and just let the friendship drift. I find it annoying that people always assume they are the only ones who are busy/stressed and take friends for granted. One day they will turn around and find there are none left. I wouldn't respond if I were you and just move on.

ManateeFair · 09/07/2022 20:26

I agree this is irritating, but I don’t think it necessarily means she’s waiting for a better offer. It could be that, but it could also be that she’s aware that she sometimes finds it difficult to socialise and is better if she can decide last minute.

However, I can see why you’re miffed. I’m not great at making plans ages in advance, I admit, and in an ideal world I’d decide much more stuff last-minute - but I’m aware that’s not fair on other people, for whom last minute plans aren’t always practical. And four days ahead is totally reasonable to expect a yes or no, so YANBU.

ManateeFair · 09/07/2022 20:29

KirstenBlest · 09/07/2022 12:35

I do it because I find it hard to commit to something like a meal - I eat when I'm hungry.

Well, you could just explain that and say “How about drinks instead?” though.

NumberTheory · 09/07/2022 20:30

Unless she's also frequently saying she has something on (i.e. she gets other offers that she does commit to but won't commit to yours) I don't think you have to interpret this as anything other than you both having different approaches to free time.

You like to plan so plan with friends who like that. This friend is the one to text if you ever find yourself at a loose end one weekend.

BiscuitLover3678 · 09/07/2022 20:31

I would say “oh ok” and literally wait to see what happens. 100% up to her to make the effort now.

Theoneinthemiddle · 09/07/2022 20:35

It might be there is something big as a possibility- eg friend visiting from home and she’s waiting for them to confirm.

Banoffe · 09/07/2022 21:13

I’d just reply saying your busy now for Tuesday. I couldn’t stand for that!

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