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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend sets no boundaries with female friends

64 replies

becknnico · 08/07/2022 21:07

Please help if I am being unreasonable here. I have a faithful and loving man that I was planning my future with. He was single for a long time before me, 45 no kids and never married and so naturally there will be a social life there and I expected that and welcomed it tbh. He is in real estate and started his retirement by buying a couple homes with friends. As time went on, I have noticed that he seems to have random women friends with whom I feel that he does not set appropriate boundaries with since we have been together. One, lives in a bungalow right in front of his house and seems to have an interest in him. She's always hanging around and I didn't really like our introduction, as she told him where the cleaner was under his sink kind of asserting their closeness. Now she has offered to sell his race car for him which has required constant communication and the other day, she came over, no knock, and walked right in the front door- I was naked. No apology. She did leave though. He has entertained buying a house with her (for her to live in and he'd just be part owner) because her Dad thinks she'd 'need looking after' and my BF thinks he could make a lot of money off it. He almost bought a boat with her too bc it'd be cheaper he said and we'd always have access to the water. Another woman- who he had a one night stand with, is part of his drinking friends group. The night I met her, she was really sexually explicit about her sex life, grossly, she called me 'adorable' and she tried giving us Viagra explaining, it would change our whole sex life!! I also found out they keep their one night stand a secret from her BF, who is always there too. I told him she made me uncomfortable, the secret did too and the fact that they've been intimate kinda made me uneasy and he didn't do anything about it. He also hangs out with that group out of town where he has another house so I am often not there when he is. Another time, at that same house, he told me one of his friends, another woman, was wasted and he offered for her to sleep at his house. I do trust him, but when I voiced that him having women stay the night drunk while I wasn't there made me uncomfortable, he told me I was nuts and insecure. Do then I got really upset he wasn't taking my discomfort into account. They've been platonic friends for 10 years. We had a bad fight yesterday and I've explained that I saw a future with him and I don't believe respectful husbands put themselves in these situations that could potentially compromise our relationship, or even bring up any doubt ever, even if it's just making me feel uncomfortable. I think he needs to set appropriate boundaries with his female friends and maybe say bye to the women he has slept with. The woman he slept with, made me very uneasy mainly because she treated me like little girl and acted inappropriate. I feel like he is embarrassing me and I stated that making decisions that tie him closely to other women, like investments, make me view our relationship in a weaker light and that is not how I envision my possible husband behaving. That it is a matter of respect, not be being controlling. I feel.like someone that loves me would never want to make me feel uncomfortable about or with or in front of other women. He has dug in his heels saying I'm being unreasonable, insecure and controlling. Please tell me your thoughts here

OP posts:
LuvMyBoyz · 08/07/2022 21:17

He’s just being him. Accept him as he is or give him up.

est1899 · 08/07/2022 21:40

I think you are being insecure and controlling. Especially about the one night stand lady and his friend who was drunk who he offered to stay at his house. Everyone has a past and it's not fair to make him cut ties with his friends just because you're jealous. You even say yourself it is a platonic relationship.

He doesn't sound like a catch to me though. And you clearly don't trust him. Very odd to consider buying property with the woman, just to make money it seems.

Mummyof287 · 08/07/2022 21:49

Don't really think anyone in a relationship should be having anything to do with former sexual partners tbh.100% Platonic friendships that's different.

But it sounds like you are either struggling to trust him due to either your own insecurities, or perhaps that you aren't actually sure he is as faithful as you say he is.I wouldn't personally be too happy with his behaviours.

SleeplessInEngland · 08/07/2022 21:58

Lol, not reading all that.

Stopthebusplease · 08/07/2022 21:59

I'm afraid I wouldn't be feeling comfortable with this behaviour either, and investing with this woman would really worry me, as it ties them together, and is likely to end badly, particularly with the boat, as before you know it, you'll want to use it, when she wants to use it, and you'll end up having arguments about who gets to have it, or worse, being forced to go out on it with her, which may not be comfortable for you. I'd give serious thought as to whether this guy is as trustworthy as you'd like him to be, it sounds like you have your doubts, and if thats the case, move on, or accept that you're likely to end up alone and heartbroken. Him saying you're being controlling, is just his way of saying he's going to carry on as he is whether you like it or not!

WTF475878237NC · 08/07/2022 22:02

I wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who had these women in his life. This is the reason he's never married.

PetersRabbitt · 08/07/2022 22:14

Probably stringing all of them and you along and sleeping with them too.

Your choosing to believe his lies.

Underscore21 · 08/07/2022 22:15

Is he Simon Cowell?

Womencanlift · 08/07/2022 22:23

If this was the other way round and a female came on and said I have never had a long term relationship but do have a close group of friends including guys and my now partner wants me to cut them off, the responses (quite rightly) would be that he is controlling

It is up to him who he has in his life and you can accept it or move in as you are not compatible

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2022 22:27

We had a bad fight yesterday and I've explained that I saw a future with him and I don't believe respectful husbands put themselves in these situations

Are you joking? You really think this man will ever be your husband? He's 45, never been married, no kids, and that's no accident. This man is who he is and is never going to get married.

SaggyBlinders · 08/07/2022 22:32

He's 45, I'm assuming that you are much younger?

Maunderingdrunkenly · 08/07/2022 22:34

Run far away! He likes being the perpetual eligible bachelor. If he was so eager to be the ‘faithful and loving’ potential husband you see him as he’d drop the harem asap as he’d know he was onto the real deal with you.

downgrade him from husband material and gear up to dump

whereamu · 08/07/2022 22:37

You need to take a step back and look at this from the outside.
If you are already unhappy - and it is your right to be unhappy with ANY circumstances - then I would recommend you break up and find someone who makes you happier.

wouldyoulikefrieswithyourdrink · 08/07/2022 22:38

Yabu you aren’t compatible end of

FuoriComeUnBalcone · 08/07/2022 22:43

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2022 22:27

We had a bad fight yesterday and I've explained that I saw a future with him and I don't believe respectful husbands put themselves in these situations

Are you joking? You really think this man will ever be your husband? He's 45, never been married, no kids, and that's no accident. This man is who he is and is never going to get married.

Agreed. He's telling you exactly who he is. Believe him.

TheBigPeach · 08/07/2022 22:48

I agree with others who have said he will never marry. Don’t waste any more time on him. Any relationship that causes that much angst is just not worth it, I just can’t see him giving up these other friendships.

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 08/07/2022 22:53

He's perfectly within his rights to live his life as he sees fit.

That you're not happy about how he lives his life suggests that you aren't compatible.

If he feels attached to his previous loves and wants to help them, take care of them, go into business with them well it's up to him .

You won't be able to change him... he lives a life that isn't compatible to your's.

Sorry.

Kite22 · 08/07/2022 22:54

Womencanlift · 08/07/2022 22:23

If this was the other way round and a female came on and said I have never had a long term relationship but do have a close group of friends including guys and my now partner wants me to cut them off, the responses (quite rightly) would be that he is controlling

It is up to him who he has in his life and you can accept it or move in as you are not compatible

This, absolutely.

PlaidBlanket · 08/07/2022 23:00

Look, these are longterm friends, people he’s known and valued for years, or decades — you’re much more recently on the scene, presumably. Why would someone completely alter their behaviour around old and valued friends for a new girlfriend who might not last? What would ‘appropriate boundaries’ be, for you? Are you one of these people I only ever encounter on Mn who believe that all opposite-sex friendships should be quietly retired once one of the parties is in a relationship?

becknnico · 08/07/2022 23:24

I am 39 years old with a 12 year old son. Thank you everyone for responding to me, I really appreciate it.
And no, I absolutely do not feel opposite sex friends are off the table. I do feel that respectful boundaries means that he not be so close to a woman that crushes on him, that she feels it is okay to enter his home without knocking, or go buy a house and boat with her if he's building a life with me. I do think it's reasonable to ask not to have sleepovers with girls. I honestly kinda thought this was a no brainer but realize now, ppl feel differently on this. And I never really expected him to cut off the friendship with the fling. I suppose that it really hit me hard when I said I felt like she made me uncomfortable and the fact they intentionally keep it a secret from her BF made it worse and he didn't care, he was not compassionate. That's what really hurt the most.

OP posts:
RainCoffeeBook · 08/07/2022 23:55

You're dating a playboy who hangs out with his harem. He isn't going to change, nor does he hide who he is. You can either be along for the ride or find someone a bit more normal. But you can't go demanding he change and cut his friends off. That's weird.

user1473878824 · 09/07/2022 00:03

He is 45 and used to living his life as is, he hasn’t wanted to change it before and doesn’t want to change it now.

You have your lines and boundaries which is absolutely fine. But you’re trying to change him to fit in with what you want. That’s not going to happen and isn’t healthy or good for either of you.

Marvellousmadness · 09/07/2022 00:14

You are 39???you sound 19.
Leave this man. He is not for you.
Why would you want him in the life of your 12yo? This man brings drama. And all you want to do is change him. He doesn't wanna be changed.

Find a guy that makes you happy. Makes you feel secure and have butterflies. Dont degrade yourself by begging for this man's attention

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 09/07/2022 02:37

In all honestly I think you both want different things. I don’t think he wants to settle down with you and become your version of a “respectful husband” if a man told me i wasn’t being a respectable wife material I would find that a red flag. Unless he’s told you marriage is on the cards then I can understand to an extent, otherwise you are just trying to make him into something he doesn’t want to be. He has no respect for your feelings and has called you “nuts” and “controlling” I’m not sure what happened in your life to make you run after him like this but you deserve better, you need to find someone compatible and who respects you. He sounds like he has a lot of money but what exactly makes you think he’s worth something? Apart from the money what is so appealing? You also have a son he needs good role models around him including a mother that doesn’t degrade herself. He can behave how he wants and he’s shown you his lifestyle which you’re unhappy with so I’m not sure why you won’t just move on.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 09/07/2022 02:40

Btw this doesn’t mean you need to put up with his behaviour as people on here saying he’s free to do what he wants -you’re feelings are perfectly valid but he’s not the right person for you so best to move on and find someone who shares the same values as you.

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