Boyfriend sets no boundaries with female friends

[becknnico]

Please help if I am being unreasonable here. I have a faithful and loving man that I was planning my future with. He was single for a long time before me, 45 no kids and never married and so naturally there will be a social life there and I expected that and welcomed it tbh. He is in real estate and started his retirement by buying a couple homes with friends. As time went on, I have noticed that he seems to have random women friends with whom I feel that he does not set appropriate boundaries with since we have been together. One, lives in a bungalow right in front of his house and seems to have an interest in him. She's always hanging around and I didn't really like our introduction, as she told him where the cleaner was under his sink kind of asserting their closeness. Now she has offered to sell his race car for him which has required constant communication and the other day, she came over, no knock, and walked right in the front door- I was naked. No apology. She did leave though. He has entertained buying a house with her (for her to live in and he'd just be part owner) because her Dad thinks she'd 'need looking after' and my BF thinks he could make a lot of money off it. He almost bought a boat with her too bc it'd be cheaper he said and we'd always have access to the water. Another woman- who he had a one night stand with, is part of his drinking friends group. The night I met her, she was really sexually explicit about her sex life, grossly, she called me 'adorable' and she tried giving us Viagra explaining, it would change our whole sex life!! I also found out they keep their one night stand a secret from her BF, who is always there too. I told him she made me uncomfortable, the secret did too and the fact that they've been intimate kinda made me uneasy and he didn't do anything about it. He also hangs out with that group out of town where he has another house so I am often not there when he is. Another time, at that same house, he told me one of his friends, another woman, was wasted and he offered for her to sleep at his house. I do trust him, but when I voiced that him having women stay the night drunk while I wasn't there made me uncomfortable, he told me I was nuts and insecure. Do then I got really upset he wasn't taking my discomfort into account. They've been platonic friends for 10 years. We had a bad fight yesterday and I've explained that I saw a future with him and I don't believe respectful husbands put themselves in these situations that could potentially compromise our relationship, or even bring up any doubt ever, even if it's just making me feel uncomfortable. I think he needs to set appropriate boundaries with his female friends and maybe say bye to the women he has slept with. The woman he slept with, made me very uneasy mainly because she treated me like little girl and acted inappropriate. I feel like he is embarrassing me and I stated that making decisions that tie him closely to other women, like investments, make me view our relationship in a weaker light and that is not how I envision my possible husband behaving. That it is a matter of respect, not be being controlling. I feel.like someone that loves me would never want to make me feel uncomfortable about or with or in front of other women. He has dug in his heels saying I'm being unreasonable, insecure and controlling. Please tell me your thoughts here

Well, yes, exactly. And now, OP, as you’re clearly considering ending your relationship, you’ve shot yourself in the foot and have a few less friends than before you started seeing your boyfriend.

Doesn’t it strike you as illogical and self-damaging to end close, longterm friendships that you presumably found valuable and sustaining for the sake of a sexual relationship that might well be only a short-term thing?

And in your case did do on purely suppositional grounds, as your boyfriend had no problem at all with these friendships, and didn’t feel ‘disrespected’?

I'm not sure I feel I've shot myself in the foot. Or necessarily insulted prior male friends. Friendships do fade naturally a lot throughout our lives and the people I let fade out have had some level of attraction to me or vise versa. One I had previous intimacy with. I really found it to be more of a sacrifice for the person I found to be the most important. I do feel like it is a good question to ask myself and considerate choice to make for the sake of my number one. I didn't expect him to do the same, but I do think it shows respect, consideration and value. It seems to me that it is decent to evaluate some scenarios or people when moving from single to commitment. And I did this not for something I felt was short term. We have discussed forever and have been serious for quite some time. We had spoken of marriage. But again, I didn't expect he cut anyone out. A lot of folks seem to be going back to that and I didn't want or need that, I just wanted to be acknowledged and for some situations to be considered regarding boundaries that demonstrate respect for me as a person and for our relationship.

It's less about boundaries with other women and more about respecting you as his partner. You should never have to ask, let alone beg, to feel heard and validated.

He's got the boundaries just the way he wants them, trust me.

This man is a “type” and loves the ego boost from having a harem of female friends. I had a bf like this in my 20s and binned him after 3 years because of the grief it caused. I found a man who was the total opposite and it’s so much better.

A good friend recently ended a 7 yr relationship with a “harem boss” when it transpired one of his orbiters had become a bit more than just a hanger on. He’s now in a full blown relationship with this “old friend.”

My advice: he will never change, so bin him or be prepared to sleep with one eye open for the rest of your relationship.

I agree about them wanting different things.

But I also agree with him in terms of his description of the OP.

I would not stay with a partner who wanted to start dictating to me what friends I could or couldn't have, or telling me I had to change my relationship with them.

Nor would I stay with a partner who tried to tell me I couldn't invest my money in a sound financial prospect with a long standing friend.

I am puzzled as to how you think allowing you to change who he is makes him a "respectful husband"
Quite frankly, I am not sure what he is supposed to have done wrong in the list of things you have said, but I am able to understand people have different lines and different opinions about friendships. The point here is, his are different from yours. That doesn't make you right and him wrong and it doesn't make him right and you wrong - it just makes you different. What you have to decide if those differences are too much for you - ie you are incompatible - or if it isn't such a big deal after all, in which case it might work.

Or he just has female friends he’s close to and values?

Very hard to read that solid wall of text, it’s rude to not bother using paragraphs and expect anyone to want to trawl through that.

Sounds like a whole load of pointless drama, very immature for the age of you both. Just raise your kid and stay away from men who you need to write essays about. Life should t be that hard. Are you American? ‘Real estate’ ‘crushing on’

Thanks again for all of your input! Apologies about the lack of paragraphs! Noted.

I think I needed to hear all of these perspectives, but I also think that these are not just female friends he is so dearly close to and deeply values. In fact, I know they are not. I think he likes the sprinkled in attention from other women and cannot see that certain (not all) situations are simply inappropriate and not respectful. I think this is feeding his ego, not demonstrating my insecurities. This is how you chip away at security imo.

Nor has he shown care enough to understand we have perhaps different perspectives/lifestyles and validate how I was feeling. Instead he's fighting tooth and nail about being right, instead of fighting tooth and nail for me. I would never let my friends overstep or make him feel uncomfortable. Period. Or I would speak up, instead of shaming him! True friends would admire that, not frown on it. His true friends would want to know me, not strangely assert their position over mine in his life. That is nasty.

Whatever it is, in order to cope with it all I will be chalking it up to a compatiblity issues primarily here. But I also know I deserve more respect and if all of these situations are giving me this degree of unsettled feelings, there's probably some validity to it. There's probably a lot more to it actually!

I don't think any of this was malicious, I think a lot was due to his lack of emotional intelligence and regard for me. And I think true love looks a lot different than this reaction when the grey areas come up. I know I deserve a lot more, so I'll be moving on.

Good for you OP. Sending you hugs as the heartbreak will be a slog, but I think you will look back and be glad of your decision to look for a harem-free man.

It all comes down to respect and he isn’t respecting you and neither are his interfering lady friends. Leave them to it.

What exactly do you mean by ‘respect’ in this specific context, OP?

I mean by not putting each other in situations that have the potential to compromise the strength or integrity of our relationship. And if that does happen, or goes unnoticed and then is brought to our attention (because it also showed strength to deal with and have to even speak up about) it will be recognized and remedied with some level of compassion. That is what continues to build trust and that is what demonstrates ongoing respect in my book.

A close group of guy friends she's had one night stands with, who sleep over and discuss graphic sex?

That would be a firm No as well...

He has bounderis but there just not what you want the to be
at 45 and single he will be very set in his ways.
It's unreasonable to try and change anyone to make them fit with you.
He is what he is warts and all ether accept it or moved on hiding to nothing to try and mould a 45 year old to your ways