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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend sets no boundaries with female friends

64 replies

becknnico · 08/07/2022 21:07

Please help if I am being unreasonable here. I have a faithful and loving man that I was planning my future with. He was single for a long time before me, 45 no kids and never married and so naturally there will be a social life there and I expected that and welcomed it tbh. He is in real estate and started his retirement by buying a couple homes with friends. As time went on, I have noticed that he seems to have random women friends with whom I feel that he does not set appropriate boundaries with since we have been together. One, lives in a bungalow right in front of his house and seems to have an interest in him. She's always hanging around and I didn't really like our introduction, as she told him where the cleaner was under his sink kind of asserting their closeness. Now she has offered to sell his race car for him which has required constant communication and the other day, she came over, no knock, and walked right in the front door- I was naked. No apology. She did leave though. He has entertained buying a house with her (for her to live in and he'd just be part owner) because her Dad thinks she'd 'need looking after' and my BF thinks he could make a lot of money off it. He almost bought a boat with her too bc it'd be cheaper he said and we'd always have access to the water. Another woman- who he had a one night stand with, is part of his drinking friends group. The night I met her, she was really sexually explicit about her sex life, grossly, she called me 'adorable' and she tried giving us Viagra explaining, it would change our whole sex life!! I also found out they keep their one night stand a secret from her BF, who is always there too. I told him she made me uncomfortable, the secret did too and the fact that they've been intimate kinda made me uneasy and he didn't do anything about it. He also hangs out with that group out of town where he has another house so I am often not there when he is. Another time, at that same house, he told me one of his friends, another woman, was wasted and he offered for her to sleep at his house. I do trust him, but when I voiced that him having women stay the night drunk while I wasn't there made me uncomfortable, he told me I was nuts and insecure. Do then I got really upset he wasn't taking my discomfort into account. They've been platonic friends for 10 years. We had a bad fight yesterday and I've explained that I saw a future with him and I don't believe respectful husbands put themselves in these situations that could potentially compromise our relationship, or even bring up any doubt ever, even if it's just making me feel uncomfortable. I think he needs to set appropriate boundaries with his female friends and maybe say bye to the women he has slept with. The woman he slept with, made me very uneasy mainly because she treated me like little girl and acted inappropriate. I feel like he is embarrassing me and I stated that making decisions that tie him closely to other women, like investments, make me view our relationship in a weaker light and that is not how I envision my possible husband behaving. That it is a matter of respect, not be being controlling. I feel.like someone that loves me would never want to make me feel uncomfortable about or with or in front of other women. He has dug in his heels saying I'm being unreasonable, insecure and controlling. Please tell me your thoughts here

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 09/07/2022 03:26

He doesn’t sound like someone who should be in a relationship. Not a serious one anyway

sjxoxo · 09/07/2022 03:49

I don’t think he’s husband material.. sorry to say I think there’s a good reason he’s never married! X

JemimaPuddlegoose · 09/07/2022 04:04

OP, you're not being controlling or unreasonable, but unfortunately I think he's unlikely to change.

Some men really struggle with commitment within a romantic relationship, and put their emotional eggs in the friendship basket instead.

One of my friends struggles with exactly this - he's got a tight group of school friends who he does everything with (all holidays, birthdays and other special occasions are for the gang, no partners or outsiders allowed). He's literally in therapy for co-dependence issues but won't give up his little gang, even though they either drive away everyone he dates, or people he dates run away because they're creeped out or don't see a future. He's gay (rest of the gang is women and one straight man) so there's no sexual component to it, just co-dependence and a sense he'll never truly be able to trust anyone he's not known since he was a teenager. Sometimes people are odd, or damaged in ways we don't know.

Of course in your man's case it does sound like there's a sexual element, in which case he might just want to keep his options open for that reason.

SheSaidHummingbird · 09/07/2022 04:09

From everything you've described about both him and yourself, it's very clear that you're not compatiable. As you said, his behaviour is not what you want in a partner. This will be an ongoing issue if you decide to stay with him; this is his personality, and this is how he conducts friendships, and these women are in his life.

You're not being unreasonable to dislike it, but it doesn't sound like the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Hawkins001 · 09/07/2022 05:01

If the roles were reversed, op, how would you feel if your partner requested the same from you ?

Musti · 09/07/2022 05:26

I don’t see the problem. He has friends some of who happen to be women. If he had wanted to be with eg neighbour, there was nothing stopping them from being together.

that is who he is, accept that or leave that.

i also think it is unlikely with his track record and lifestyle that he will ever settle down. So if that’s what you want then I would speak to him about it and see what he says.

Homewardbound2022 · 09/07/2022 06:14

Underscore21 · 08/07/2022 22:15

Is he Simon Cowell?

😂

SummerPuddings · 09/07/2022 06:32

Underscore21 · 08/07/2022 22:15

Is he Simon Cowell?

🤣

SummerPuddings · 09/07/2022 06:32

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2022 22:27

We had a bad fight yesterday and I've explained that I saw a future with him and I don't believe respectful husbands put themselves in these situations

Are you joking? You really think this man will ever be your husband? He's 45, never been married, no kids, and that's no accident. This man is who he is and is never going to get married.

This.

SummerPuddings · 09/07/2022 06:34

RainCoffeeBook · 08/07/2022 23:55

You're dating a playboy who hangs out with his harem. He isn't going to change, nor does he hide who he is. You can either be along for the ride or find someone a bit more normal. But you can't go demanding he change and cut his friends off. That's weird.

This.

Shoxfordian · 09/07/2022 06:36

He’s shown you who he is so you have to either accept it or decide this isn’t the right man for you to marry and walk away

est1899 · 09/07/2022 06:43

'Crushes on him' 'sleepovers with girls' l

Why are you talking like a teenager?

SpaghettiNotCourgetti · 09/07/2022 06:49

SleeplessInEngland · 08/07/2022 21:58

Lol, not reading all that.

I know! Paragraphs, people!

RenegadeMatron · 09/07/2022 07:15

You’re forcing a square peg into a round hole.

Stop, and find someone you’re actually compatible with.

This man is not ‘respectful husband’ material.

YouAreNotBatman · 09/07/2022 07:39

He’s 45, how old are you?
How old are the other women?

YouAreNotBatman · 09/07/2022 07:47

Okey, seen you’ve answered the age question already.

Teally suorised you see this man as husband material.
He and he’s friends sounds trashy as hell.
Your son really shouldn’t have people like this in his life.

Mally100 · 09/07/2022 08:07

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2022 22:27

We had a bad fight yesterday and I've explained that I saw a future with him and I don't believe respectful husbands put themselves in these situations

Are you joking? You really think this man will ever be your husband? He's 45, never been married, no kids, and that's no accident. This man is who he is and is never going to get married.

This! Honestly some women walk around with their eyes closed.

Crocky · 09/07/2022 08:12

I am sure I have read this here before. Maybe some years ago.

becknnico · 09/07/2022 08:15

Again thanks everyone for the input. I could really use it right now. And to be clear, I didn't ask him to cut off his friends, I went to him with honesty about what I felt were unhealthy boundaries ( for me at least) that could potentially weaken our relationship now or down the road, and that were making me feel a bit disrespected.

I actually drew back and eventually ended a couple friendships with men when we started getting serious, that I felt he may be uneasy about. I still have a couple guy friends who are very respectful to him. So to answer that question on what I would do if he asked me to set boundaries with men, I'd rather just prioritize him and eliminate any potential issues rather than keep a couple buddies really close that he may find off putting. I wouldn't question that. But like I said, I didn't ask him to end any friendships, I just asked he look at them closer to perhaps see if they crossed any lines regarding respect for me. He didn't share that view.

OP posts:
Tooshytoshine · 09/07/2022 08:22

He is not the man for you.

Accept him or leave him but you won't change him.

These are his friends and they have this dynamic. They sound loaded and like they live by their own rules.

I don't think he is a cheat from what you have said but you would need to have bullet proof self confidence to be with him longterm.

SarahSissions · 09/07/2022 08:37

I think the problem is that if you wanted to tackle one of these women it would probably be fine, but three different women with three different problems starts to make you unreasonable.
it becomes a little bit, that’s just the way he is and you want to control those relationships that threaten you.
I think it also depends where in the country you are, but I never lock my house and often pop into friends houses-and we would think it was weird if you knocked (I don’t tend to walk round naked though!!)

est1899 · 09/07/2022 08:38

It's utterly bizarre that you have cut some of your own male friends off just incase your new boyfriend didn't like them. Even though he never said anything of the sort. How insulting to your friends!

becknnico · 09/07/2022 08:42

He nor his friends have a ton of money. Not sure if my post made it seem that way. He has done well enough but I don't want there being a misconception about him being Mr Baller, he's not. I also fully support myself and son and would continue to do so, should we stay together.

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 09/07/2022 09:15

But like I said, I didn't ask him to end any friendships, I just asked he look at them closer to perhaps see if they crossed any lines regarding respect for me. He didn't share that view.

OK, so, knowing that, it’s decision time. If you’re not, understandably, happy with his position - it’s time to move on.

Womencanlift · 09/07/2022 15:06

becknnico · 09/07/2022 08:42

He nor his friends have a ton of money. Not sure if my post made it seem that way. He has done well enough but I don't want there being a misconception about him being Mr Baller, he's not. I also fully support myself and son and would continue to do so, should we stay together.

Maybe it’s the mention of him having a race car and considering buying a boat and a house for their friend. That is not the actions of someone with a regular income