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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get frustrated by people taking several days to reply, or to stop replying at all

78 replies

Angelaanaconda1 · 08/07/2022 19:25

I don't hound them constantly with lengthy messages or anything like that.
There's one girl who I sent a very very short paragraph to with 2 questions in it, but she's stopped replying since Sunday.
What usually happens is that they reply to the first 2 messages out of politeness then stop. This is the first time I've messaged her since 2019, and have only done so as we're going to be staying in her area soon.

Another friend's Mum is going through treatment for stage 1 cancer I believe. She confided this in me a few months ago. We've exchanged a couple of messages of late, and in my last message to her 6 days ago I asked how her Mum was doing. No reply, but frequently online, posted pictures etc.

I guess these people just aren't interested in talking, I should accept it and never message them again. I'm sorry, but apart from certain circumstances it does not take 5 or 6 days to reply to a short message (well they haven't even replied).
I know people are 'busy', the whole world is busy. They may have forgotten to reply, but they've done this a couple of times.

Maybe I'm expecting too much, I shouldn't care what they think but it makes you feel like you're boring/annoying or something.
Does anyone else have this?

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 08/07/2022 19:28

Have you supported a loved one through treatment for cancer?

Original poster
Angelaanaconda1 · 08/07/2022 19:29

I have had loved ones with cancer, yes.
Don't really see how it means not replying to messages though? And it's not just that specific message, she's done that a few times over the years where she eventually stops replying

OP posts:
Original poster
Angelaanaconda1 · 08/07/2022 19:30

I understand it's maybe hard to talk about but it's happened with messages in the past from her.

OP posts:
CallmeMrsPricklepants · 08/07/2022 19:31

They probably open it when they're busy doing something and then forget to reply. I do it all the time.

Original poster
Angelaanaconda1 · 08/07/2022 19:32

Maybe, but it just makes you feel quite unimportant when they do it very often. Like they didn't really pay much attention to you so easily forget

OP posts:
ImFuminHun · 08/07/2022 19:34

YABU.

Life is happening to them and a message is tiny compared to the whole rest of their life occurring at that moment.

Especially someone who has a mother with cancer.

bloodywhitecat · 08/07/2022 19:35

There were times when I was looking after DH where I barely knew what my name was, I was not up to having conversations via text. I certainly didn't have the strength to update people via messages on the latest stage of his treatments, ever day was a battle just to get done what I needed to get done. Messages would sat, read, for days and days. Maybe this is one of those times when the friendship is more one sided or maybe it has run its course.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/07/2022 19:38

I love mobile phones for some things but absolutely hate that it has become something that someone can stalk you with and make demands on your time with. No one owes you anything, they don’t owe you replies and if someone’s parent is going through cancer an you truly want to support them then you can do that by being understanding that they won’t always be able to reply

K8Shrop · 08/07/2022 19:39

YABU. Just because you choose to message someone does not mean they're required to reply to you. They can reply at a time that suits them. WhatsApp/SM have made unrealistic expectations of people time, they're far too easily contacted and therefore people demand attention back when they want it.

Your friend has every right to reply when they want to.

Also, I would assume you are very far down your friends list of priorities if they are dealing with the illness of a loved one. Any supportive friend usually messages sending their well wishes and says no pressure to reply. Because no one needs the pressure, especially at a time like that.

Soggycrisps · 08/07/2022 19:40

The first example seems like you're not friends anymore. 3 years ago is quite long.
The second example I'd just assume that their life is too difficult at the moment to keep on top of replying.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 08/07/2022 19:42

I have a very busy life and sometimes I have to “check out” when it comes to messages. I am most probably autistic which doesn’t help. But sometimes I haven’t got the capacity to hold a text conversation.

Rainbowsunshine1 · 08/07/2022 19:46

YANBU to feel frustrated about this. I get it!

Everyone Is focused on the cancer situation from your post (awful of course) I'm sure anyone would understand in that circumstance...but some people are so rude and self-absorbed these days.

I have a few who do the same to me. Including family, which irritates me SO much. The funny thing is when they want something I get the "omg i forgot to reply to this...." kind of message. its the same every time bore off 😂

wheresmymojo · 08/07/2022 19:46

I'm like your friend OP.

I actually have ADHD...and if I was your friend there's no way you'd know that because I'm nearly 40 and was only diagnosed three weeks ago.

About 30-40% of people are estimated to be neurodiverse so there are millions of us either undiagnosed or not telling people because of stigma.

Even if she isn't neurodiverse the reason for not replying is almost definitely not about you...

sunglassesonthetable · 08/07/2022 19:52

Have you supported a loved one through treatment for cancer?

I really think you need to cut this friend who's mum has cancer some slack.

It's a very hard thing to do. I know when I was in that situation I didn't always reply. In fact I was bad at replying. Sheer lack of emotional and mental energy.

If you don't get a reply you don't get a reply. Only you can judge if you want to be her friend.

It's horrible to be ignored but sometimes you should let it go.

MichelleScarn · 08/07/2022 19:54

1st one - no contact and only now as you're staying in her area soon- have you asked for a catch up or asking something of them?
2nd- seriously?!

catfunk · 08/07/2022 19:54

You sound a bit sensitive op.
If they don't stop replying to you would you literally be Messaging back and forth all the time forever ? It has to end some time

trailrunner85 · 08/07/2022 20:10

You sound really needy, OP. And if you genuinely don't understand why it takes people a long time to reply to messages, I suspect you have a lot of time on your hands and don't really appreciate what it's like to have a lot on.

You say the whole world is busy - well you're clearly not, if you're stressing on Friday about a message you received on Sunday.

When you're on the treadmill of kids/commute/long day of work/commute/kids/exercise/food/cleaning/bed, it can be really hard to find 5 minutes to respond to messages. Genuinely. You might see a message in a meeting, think "I'll reply later" and before you know it a week has passed. It's not intentional.

Adding difficult circumstances into the equation makes it even more difficult. Your poor friend has too much to do with looking after her mum, without worrying about replying to you. Give her some space and let her know you're there if she needs you, without putting the pressure on.

Original poster
Angelaanaconda1 · 08/07/2022 20:13

You have absolutely no idea about my life, but thanks for your rude, nasty message. Hope it makes you feel great to be rude to strangers. Cya

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 08/07/2022 20:14

Angelaanaconda1 · 08/07/2022 20:13

You have absolutely no idea about my life, but thanks for your rude, nasty message. Hope it makes you feel great to be rude to strangers. Cya

Lol. There’s ya answer then OP

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/07/2022 20:18

Yabu.
I hate the responsibility of replying to text messages especially when I know the person is the type to get frustrated.

I always end the conversation usually with an emoji or nothing depending on the person.

A old friend would comment "nice emoji" fires question "how is blah blah doing".

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/07/2022 20:36

Angelaanaconda1 · 08/07/2022 20:13

You have absolutely no idea about my life, but thanks for your rude, nasty message. Hope it makes you feel great to be rude to strangers. Cya

I don't see any message that's been really nasty, just making points. It's fair to say you aren't their priority. Its fair as well to say you're coming across as needy.

MichelleScarn · 08/07/2022 20:39

Angelaanaconda1 · 08/07/2022 19:32

Maybe, but it just makes you feel quite unimportant when they do it very often. Like they didn't really pay much attention to you so easily forget

@Angelaanaconda1 how important do you think you should be to someone you've had no contact with since 2019 and someone who's caring for a parent with cancer?

Prinnny · 08/07/2022 20:44

So you’ve not spoke to someone since 2019 but now deem them worthy of a conversation? And your pissed at a friend who’s mother has cancer for not prioritising your text?!

Get your head out your arse OP.

Fairyliz · 08/07/2022 20:45

But all of these people who are soooo busy have time to read your messages! If you are that busy you wouldn’t have time to read messages.
If you have time to read the message it takes what 30 seconds to type a short reply. So in effect you are saying this person isn’t worth that much of your time.

bellac11 · 08/07/2022 20:47

OMG, Ive got a friend who will send a picture or message which isnt really a conversation as such. She'll then send a load of question marks if I havent replied. I think thats rude, I dont owe anyone a constant stream of validation of things

Or she will ask a question and then a few hours later send something like 'you not talking'. Jesus Im at fucking work, or driving or my phone is in my handbag and Im in the garden

I dont have my phone glued to me all the time, I dont have it in the bedroom, I dont even need to justify this!!! Im getting wound up at the thought of it!!