To get frustrated by people taking several days to reply, or to stop replying at all

[Angelaanaconda1]

I don't hound them constantly with lengthy messages or anything like that.
There's one girl who I sent a very very short paragraph to with 2 questions in it, but she's stopped replying since Sunday.
What usually happens is that they reply to the first 2 messages out of politeness then stop. This is the first time I've messaged her since 2019, and have only done so as we're going to be staying in her area soon.

Another friend's Mum is going through treatment for stage 1 cancer I believe. She confided this in me a few months ago. We've exchanged a couple of messages of late, and in my last message to her 6 days ago I asked how her Mum was doing. No reply, but frequently online, posted pictures etc.

I guess these people just aren't interested in talking, I should accept it and never message them again. I'm sorry, but apart from certain circumstances it does not take 5 or 6 days to reply to a short message (well they haven't even replied).
I know people are 'busy', the whole world is busy. They may have forgotten to reply, but they've done this a couple of times.

Maybe I'm expecting too much, I shouldn't care what they think but it makes you feel like you're boring/annoying or something.
Does anyone else have this?

(To start, my reply isn't about the friend whose mum has cancer. Grief is difficult and it's probably easier to say nothing. This is about people not replying to questions)

OP, I find these responses of 'being too busy to reply to a message' typical of Mumsnet (see also not answering the phone or door).

It's rude. It's one thing to not answer right away of course, but it is another to simply not reply.

I have a relative who regularly doesn't reply to my messages, but happily sends me a message (ignoring my previous unanswered one) to ask me a favour. When I'm with her in person she happily pulls her phone out to reply to other messages, so it's a choice, no matter what others on here might say. The reality is that some people just think their stuff is more important than yours.

It’s easy for them to just slip your mind.Sometimes you see the message but you’re in the middle of something like cooking, then the dog barks to go out do you deal with that then the whole dinner , clearing up then you realise you didn’t pay a bill that’s due so use your phone for that because it’s more important . Then , it’s the next day and you have other stuff to deal with and it doesn’t pop back into your head. If I don’t reply immediately it’s likely I’ll not get back to it.
i know not everyone’s like this but I struggle and maybe these people do too

I'm with you OP
People on here will convince you they haven't even got one minute to reply to a message , but standards of rudeness and self absorption have got so much worse since covid.
I was discussing with a friend last night this issue and it won't be long before people look round and see they have no friends left.

Re the friend whose mum has cancer- are you genuinely wanting to show you care?

She likely has many many people who need updating ( ie her mums friends, relatives) which is likely emotionally exhausting - so why are you asking? Is it because you want to show support? If so, BE supportive. Tell her you are thinking of her; let her know you are available if she needs anything. Send messages which don’t require an answer, and doesn’t add to her list of things to do.

As for the other friend, perhaps best to either call her to arrange things - or not. Marathon texting sessions are tedious

If you're multitexting friend 1 after 3 years and she's not responding, are you asking lots of Qs, askinv to meet up, or asking for a bed for the night? She may be busy, or may not want to renew the friendship in person and just remain "friends" on SM.
Friend 2 may be focussed on caring for her mum and not have the headspace for an instant response if things are not going well.

Not everyone likes keeping in touch via txt messages. Not everyone likes feeling obligated to reply by txt.

Some people prefer conversations either in person face to face or by phone call.

When was the last time you actually saw any of these people? Do you catch up and socialise? Do you chat on the phone? If not then perhaps this is the reason that they don’t reply to your txt messages.

Maybe they don’t view you as a friend because you aren’t a physical presence in their life.

😂😂 give over OP you can’t ask for opinions on AIBU and then get affronted at responses you don’t like!

Many people have said it’s selfish, self absorbed etc read the room and take it on the chin! Currently 80% think YABU…

And yes if a friend complained to me about a mutual friend with a sick parent not replying to their mundane texts I would 100% tell them to get their head out their arse and have some compassion!

I think if friends do not get around to replying it isn't usually intentional. They are too wrapped up with immediate concerns.

Some people really are bad at keeping in touch though. And people with many friends invariably have achieved this by only giving so much to many.

If their mum has cancer then of course that takes priority. I wouldn't expect much other than you enquiring occasionally and getting a wee update.

I’m with you on this OP, but these threads always go the same way.

People will call you self absorbed but actually it’s those that say you aren’t entitled to my time etc could also be seen as the self absorbed ones for suggesting their time is more important than anyone/thing else. If you care about people, you keep in contact. To say you don’t have time to chat to a friend suggests that they are low on your priority list. And maybe they are and that’s fine, but when you have different priorities it can hurt. For example, friends are high on my priority list so I make an effort to reply (and sometimes it is a huge effort as I have ADHD and mental health issues) but because I care about them, I’m willing to make it.

Your examples maybe aren’t the best with someone you’ve not spoken to in years and someone who’s mum has cancer but on the whole the principle is the same, if you care you make an effort, I agree.

Also though the way people view their phones plays a big part in this. Not sure if age does too but my parents (60s) would say replying to messages is not a priority whereas my age (early 30s) and younger tend to be more attached to phones, probably due to having one from very young? Just a thought.

Also though the way people view their phones plays a big part in this. Not sure if age does too but my parents (60s) would say replying to messages is not a priority whereas my age (early 30s) and younger tend to be more attached to phones

I think it's the opposite in terms of responsiveness. People my age (30s) have their phones with them all the time and have so many notifications coming through from work/whatsapp groups/friends/ whatever that you're used to the "always on" feeling. Especially if you're in the sort of job where that is required and expected. You then have to be a bit more selective about what you respond to and when. Ie, if you've got countless calls coming through from clients wanting something urgently, you need to prioritise that over a friend asking how you are. It's not because you don't care about that friend, it's just that in the moment you need to do something else. Equally, if your phone rings you only take it if you need to. Answering is optional, depending on what you're doing.

Whereas for my mum, if her phone rings she will literally drop whatever she is doing and RUN to it. She thinks messages have to be responded to there and then. She will comment on EVERYTHING on Facebook that her friends post. Partly because it's more novel to her, partly because she has far fewer notifications, but mostly because she is retired, no small kids around, and has more time on her hands...

I'm a frequent message ignorer...most of the time it's just not important and doesn't need an instant response. That's not to say the people behind the messages are unimportant but if someone is asking me for an update it can wait.

I find my friends without kids and potential new boyfriends with little to do get very irked when I don't instantly reply. They just have more headspace, which I just don't have...

And I speak to my Mum at least once a day.

Someone is supporting their mum through cancer. In comparison to that, you absolutely are unimportant. Surely you must appreciate that?!

You are not the centre of the universe and people do not have to immediately dance to your tune just because you want a conversation with them at a particular time. Other people don’t have to tailor their messaging preferences to suit your demands or your need to feel important.

This is absolutely not what the OP is saying . She is unimportant in the instant moment of course , but she is important or should be to a true friend, not to be left unreplied to for weeks.

Yes, because my partner is the most important person in my life and also a reply to him can easily just be ‘OK x’ or ‘On way now’ and my boss would only be messaging me if it was extremely urgent.

A friend messaging “Hiya, how are you? Family all good? Any holidays planned? Have you been Stranger Things? We’ve just got a puppy, he’s so cute” isn’t urgent and requires a proper chatty reply which I can’t drop everything to write. I’m not someone who’s going to sit there texting at work, or at the dinner table, or while I’m out with friends or watching a film with my partner or something. I’ll read the message, and then when I’ve got time to chill and put some thought into a nice chat, I’ll reply then.

Excuses galore

On a general basis I know what you mean

But a mother having cancer treatment? Not the time to criticise. The burden of a parent in that situation is crushing. She may be doing the social media updates to avoid replying to too many people.

My father was a well loved man, which is great. But it meant when he was first ill, the phone rang all the time and when we returned from hospital, there were so many messages.

We ended up directing queries through his two closest friends, who kindly offered to do this.

If your friends wanted to reply they would find the time but for whatever reason, someone else or something else is higher priority just now. You can't control that - you know one friend is dealing with a lot? You have no idea about the other one as not been in touch with her for so many years. Honestly cut them some slack and be a more accepting person.

YANU, catch yourself on.

Part of me thinks that if their boss or partner messaged them then they wouldn't dream of ignoring it

But you're comparing apples with oranges. If a boss or partner messages, it's usually transactional - "have you sent that email", or "can you cover x meeting", or "are you picking the kids up" or "do we need milk." All of which just need a v quick and short reply.

Your boss are partner are not going to be sending general "how are you" messages which a) won't be as quick to reply to, and b) are not as urgent.

You are definitely being unreasonable. Friend number 2 has so much going on. I'm not going through that and I often forgot to reply when I'm very busy. Friend number 1 likely isn't interested in a friendship so I would just leave it. I'm quite a sensitive person so it does bother me when people don't reply but you just have to fill your mind with other things. Most people eventually reply.

Yabu. Call them if you’re that desperate to insert yourselves into their lives.

They just aren’t that in to you. I find it very tiresome when WhatsApp conversations go on longer than necessary.

Well the first one probably thinks after 3 years of no contact that she is just a means to an end for you and that you only want something off her, like free stay or food or whatever. It's a bit odd to only randomly contact someone after 3 years of no contact otherwise.

The second one, who knows. Maybe they just forgot to reply. Or maybe given your attitude on here you're not actually a nice person? We don't know, we don't know you. But these people do, and they all stop replying to you. One common denominator is you.

I think I'm showing my age but for my generation (50's), if you want a quick reply, pick up the phone. Texts are for replying to at your convenience. It takes more than 30 secs to reply to some messages and a reply about how someone's mum who has cancer is doing is not likely to be that quick at all. You can't use that as a reason to justify why someone 'should' have responded more quickly. I would not read anything in to this TBH.

Well yeah, people that are actually important in their life. Of course they would more than likely answer.

They aren't interested in talking

Ditch them