To get frustrated by people taking several days to reply, or to stop replying at all

[Angelaanaconda1]

I don't hound them constantly with lengthy messages or anything like that.
There's one girl who I sent a very very short paragraph to with 2 questions in it, but she's stopped replying since Sunday.
What usually happens is that they reply to the first 2 messages out of politeness then stop. This is the first time I've messaged her since 2019, and have only done so as we're going to be staying in her area soon.

Another friend's Mum is going through treatment for stage 1 cancer I believe. She confided this in me a few months ago. We've exchanged a couple of messages of late, and in my last message to her 6 days ago I asked how her Mum was doing. No reply, but frequently online, posted pictures etc.

I guess these people just aren't interested in talking, I should accept it and never message them again. I'm sorry, but apart from certain circumstances it does not take 5 or 6 days to reply to a short message (well they haven't even replied).
I know people are 'busy', the whole world is busy. They may have forgotten to reply, but they've done this a couple of times.

Maybe I'm expecting too much, I shouldn't care what they think but it makes you feel like you're boring/annoying or something.
Does anyone else have this?

But all of these people who are soooo busy have time to read your messages! If you are that busy you wouldn’t have time to read messages

Don't be silly. If a message flashes up when you're at work or in a meeting, you see the notification or you skim read it on your watch or phone - you can't pick up your phone and instantly reply.
Especially if it's a message about a serious subject where it's a struggle to find the words; or a message asking when you can meet, which may also require diary checking or childcare arranging before you can respond.

I'm not bad at responding to messages, but it may take me a few days, especially if there are specific questions to answer that need some thought. Luckily most of my friends are similar, so get it.

Maybe I'm expecting too much, I shouldn't care what they think but it makes you feel like you're boring/annoying or something.

This doesn't make you sound self-absorbed.

you actually are self-absorbed.

and lacking in self-reflection.

I'm with the op you don't even have to get out of bed to respond to a message these days.

However I think if you want a reply you really need to speak on the phone to someone. Texting and messaging although useful can be abit of a cop out.

I really don't need you to make such harsh comments like I'm 'self absorbed' or to 'get my head out of my arse".
Really don't know who you think you are.
Would you speak to people IRL like this? No, didn't think so

So the 1st one you haven't been in touch with for 3 years, but now you're going to stay in her area you're sending her questions and being upset she isn't responding?
Are you asking questions as in trying to arrange a meet up, or are you only contacting her because you want/need info? If it's the latter then I wouldn't bother to answer. Maybe if you wanted to meet up I might reply - depends why we hadn't been in touch for so long.

And honestly I think that the question you sent to your friend with the sick mother was quite direct and potentially (depending on the friend) pretty insensitive. Ask how she is, ask how things are, if she wants to talk about her mum she will. But such a direct question gives her no way to reply and not talk about her mum, so if she's not up for talking about that then of course she won't answer.

I think the trouble is OP, people that feel the way you do or view life in the way you do are self absorbed, you cant for one moment consider that life is not about you.

Its not just annoying to others but its actually quite bad for MH and anxiety based disorders, if you spend all your time imagining that people's behaviour is a reflection of what they think about YOU, their thought processes or choices are about YOU and what they think about YOU, that is hugely damaging to you.

People arent thinking about you in that way. They're just getting on with their own lives.

There's a natural cadence with people in person, texting as a reply to when they post something, or phone calls.

But random 'how do you do' texts? I find them quite confusing.
If I'm doing something and dash off a quick text, they reply and I'm forced into a 2 hours conversation which I don't want.
Otherwise they take ages, and by the time I get around to it I have several more messages to reply to from various people.
It's very difficult and quite frankly tiring to keep up a text message relationship. I never know what prompts people to send them or me to reply. Unlike seeing them, or as I mentioned a social media post reply which has a clear start.

And EVEYRONE has different text expectations!

A phone call or in person meet is best, otherwise you may have have a direct conversation about texting expectations.

Which OP is not. Why would she be that important to someone whose parent is sick with cancer or someone else she hasn't spoken to in 4 years?!

Try not to take it personally but yes YABU and I think that the way people communicate has changed. It’s perfectly normal for text exchanges to peter out mid conversation. Also yes totally normal for someone with an ill relative not to want to answer every query about them and mindlessly surf the internet instead- it can be utterly draining and upsetting especially if the news isn’t good. Give them some space and wait for them to contact you.

You underestimate how eays it is to click onto a message and not actually read it

This is just one of several excellent answers you have had.

You really are not coming across well on this thread OP.

You've sent "paragraphs" !!! to a person you haven't spoken to in years, and you are annoyed that someone caring for a loved one with cancer hasn't prioritised responding to you.
You've then asked about it in 'AIBU' - which is there specifically for people to find out if they ABU and is renowned for people being honest and blunt and then you are getting irked by it.

Why is it so hard for people to understand that not everyone is comfortable communicating in the same way? That 10 secs you spent firing off a "How RU?" does not entitle you to the 10 mins it would take me to formulate a reply. Honestly, I'll reply to texts that are actually important, but anything else, probably forget it. I'd be seriously happy if texts disappeared off the face of the planet, it's like people think the whole world needs to be available to them 24/7 in throwaway, bitesized chunks, even their friends.

Example 1: you got in touch with someone you haven't spoken to in years to ask questions about her area? She replied and you have asked more questions. She replied but now on 3rd lot of questions she has stopped? Blimey, she probably thinks you are a cheeky mare who is using her for free travel advice.

A woman you don't know that well "confided" in you re her mums cancer. Now she is not updating you quickly and efficiently enough?! Yeah, yabu and extraordinarily self absorbed. Cancer isn't a big secret and you don't "confide" in people about it. It's a perfectly normal thing to mention, usually as a way to explain why you might not be yourself or are largely absent.

A friend sent me a message that was a 800+ word wall of text. Multiple topics.
I had to split it up in a word processor to be able to digest it all so I could reply, and that took a very long time.
A hell of lot longer than 30 seconds.

I have a phone for my convenience, not other peoples.

I would guess that the first one isn't free to catch up with you when you’re visiting her local area. I would find it hurtful too if someone ignored my messages but was posting photos etc on sm. I wouldn’t bother contacting her again.

The second one sounds like she’s either read your message and intended to respond later, then forgotten or just isn’t in the right frame of mind to reply at the moment. Otherwise, she sounds like a good friend.

If someone enquiries after your ill.mum surely that's nice of them and you should respond. They have taken the time and some people would love that. I think some people are rude and just ignore messages because they can.

We are all busy.
we have family, friends, jobs, hobbies etc. Sometimes we forget to message back immediately. It’s not a big deal

It seems you're the only one on this thread to think that

I don't see a WhatsApp or text as a demand to reply immediately.For a start, I wouldn't if I was at work, eating, watching tv with my family ,come king or many other things.I do reply in the same way that I would for an email, within a few days.It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for the contact.

True, but chances are that the friend with the poorly mum has a constant stream of people asking how things are going. Responding to everyone individually can be exhausting and take up a lot of time.... time she will want to be spending with her mum.

If someone enquiries after your ill.mum surely that's nice of them and you should respond. They have taken the time and some people would love that. I think some people are rude and just ignore messages because they can.

Of course it's nice of them.

I was on a different planet when my OH had cancer. I so appreciated messages but I didn't necessarily reply to them.

If you don't understand you don't understand.

Part of me thinks that if their boss or partner messaged them then they wouldn't dream of ignoring it.

YABVU. Sometimes people don’t have the emotional energy. Sometimes they have other messages / can’t face any.

I think you need to get over yourself.

Not sure who you are replying to with this comment?
But if it is TheOneInTheMiddle, she isn't the only one. Many people have been empathetic.

When he was still alive, my Dad had several spells in hospital over the years, and, whereas it was lovely to know that so many people were thinking of him, and contacting us, it was also, at the same time exhausting trying to continually have conversations with people on top of living normal lives (you know - you still have to sleep, eat, shop, cook, get a load of washing on, etc) and all the time it takes to travel to hospital, spend time visiting, and so forth, even without the emotional journey you are on.

I know, when I send a message to someone who is ill, or someone whose loved one is ill, or someone who is bereaved, I always put somewhere in the message "You don't need to reply, I just want you to know I am/ we are thinking of you" as I don't ever want to be putting more things to do on to that person.

You need to get over yourself. You asked, people are giving their opinions. And yes, I would say the same IRL.