To think this is none of her business and he shouldn't have told her?!

[User717]

I'm really pissed off. I don't want to be here ranting for ages so I'll just go straight to the issue...

My husband has older kids with his ex. We'd been TTC and had a miscarriage, I was devastated. Had to have surgical removal and it was just horrid.

He's told his ex (WHY he thought this was ok I don't know) and she has now made it about her saying we should have told her we were trying.

Are these people just deluded?!

He says he told her because the kids told her I was upset when they were here the other day. They did see me cry (not in the same room but they walked in whilst I was) and I tried to sort out my.face and smile and tell them it was fine, just work and that was the end of it, they were fine. They don't know about the miscarriage or anything about TTC.

DH and ex aren't friends, they don't get on. So what on earth possessed him to tell her that is beyond me. He knows I wouldn't have wanted her to know.

AIBU to think they are both dicks. Him for telling her and her for not doing the normal human thing of saying sorry to hear that but instead making it a problem.

YANBU. Both dickheads - I would be really unhappy with that!

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I wonder if he blurted it out in his grief at your loss?

I am so sorry for your loss. That is a terrible thing to go through.

YANBU. I would be furious with DH for sharing something so personal.
And who the hell does she think she is saying she should have been told you were TTC?! Its naff all to do with her.
So sorry op.

She is an actual abhorrent human.
Re him - you need to have a very serious discussion about it with him.
It sounds like he's ambivalent about being a 'team' with you, and still views him and her as one.

Firstly - I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage and the subsequent medical intervention required. That cannot have been easy or straightforward to go through so you have my sympathies. I would also think that he might also be grieving the loss and didn't know what to do or say.

That said, he most definitely should not have told her that.

Does he understand how absolutely personal divulging that type of information is and who your desired audience for hearing such information should be - i.e. you and him and your doctor?

If you told your kids that it was work related as to why you were upset, that should have been enough for him to divulge to her when asked. "Oh, yes, User717 was upset earlier and the kids saw but it was something to do with her work and she's fine now, no harm done. I'll pick the kids up at 7, right?" - that would have been acceptable.

Ask him if he'd be happy to have any sort of medical procedure he may be facing now or in the future discussed with the post man/woman, your hairdresser or beautician or someone else so wholly unrelated to him. "Oh yes, he is having his piles done/went for a prostate exam/whatever"

☝
This

I never get this argument, mainly because I don't know anyone who is so precious about medical treatments.

I know all about my mothers husbands prostate exam, as does DH as he was worried about his soon, my friends husbands are all open and chat honestly about anything medical too. My male co workers discuss regularly their various anal procedures.

Only on MN does this seem to be a taboo thing about not discussing anything medical with anyone, regardless of how close. A miscarriage is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Very outdated thinking, although many on his board are in the older age bracket so makes sense tbh

I'm just wondering if you missed the part in the OP's message where she told the kids that she was upset about something at her work and it wasn't anything to do with them TTC or the miscarriage.
It has zero to do with the Ex-wife of the OP's husband that they have been through a miscarriage.

If the kids were told it was work related, that is the story that the OP's DH should have stuck to when asked. Both the OP and her DH can grieve their loss together.

There is now nothing stopping the ex-wife blurting something out to the kids now about possibly having a little brother or sister on the way and being a complete bitch about the situation (turning it in to something all about her), now she knows the score. Added to that the kids are probably not prepared to have to deal with such a situation nor should they have to be prepared to deal with it.

Yes they both lost a baby but it's her body and her that's had to undergo an invasive procedure;her medical information is hers and hers alone.He should have asked if she was comfortable sharing this.

To the OP;my heart goes out to you;I had to have a D&C following a miscarriage;it's something no one should have to go through,if it comes up in conversation with someone (like when his colleagues partner had a miscarriage) I don't mind him talking about the miscarriage/D&C because it's something I've consented yo being shared.

@LookItsMeAgain why does the OP get to decide the lie that her husband has to tell others?

He has every right to discuss a joint loss with who ever he wants. It's not up to the OP to decide he needs to lie about this to anyone. Especially someone who is in the family through his children

@alphapie - "Only on MN does this seem to be a taboo thing about not discussing anything medical with anyone, regardless of how close. A miscarriage is nothing to be embarrassed about."

No one is saying that they are embarrassed about a medical procedure. I used it as an analogy in my post only.
The OP and her DH can be allowed to grieve the loss of a very wanted baby.

The fact that you're being so very cold and matter-of-fact about it is coming across as being unfeeling, unsympathetic and rude.

Also - "Very outdated thinking, although many on his board are in the older age bracket so makes sense tbh"
That's very ageist and as the OP is clearly of an age that she can be pregnant and suffer a miscarriage shows that she isn't of an 'older age bracket'. You on the other hand are coming across as immature to these types of personal life situations.

Yep, they are both dick heads. I’m sorry for your loss, OP.

Does he take care of his own kids or expect you to help?

Hardly ageist if it's true, polls have been done in AIBU and the majority of posters fall into the 55-75 age bracket, it actually makes a lot of sense if the hive mind on some issues.

The only person I know who is funny about medical treatments being discussed is my Nan.

It's not cold to be truthful, this isn't the OPs news to gate keep, they both lost a baby, it's his news as much as hers, and unless he went into graphic detail about the procedure and medical side he didn't even discuss a 'private medical' situation either.

If he was talking to someone about his grief like a friend or family member then that's very different. She isn't his friend, she was never going to support him through his loss, they do not get along at all and it was completely unsurprising really that she'd use this as another stick to beat him/ us with because that's what she's like.

It's nothing to do with embarrassment. I don't want a woman who only ever thinks of herself knowing this information about me. I do not want to have to deal with her now whinging that we didn't tell her when she's the last thing on my mind.

And the fact we are TTC is none of her business.

Why post on AIBU if you are convinced you are right and won't accept other view points? Kind of pointless really

YABU

Agree with this really. Haven't you told anyone? Had you agreed not to? He has had a loss too. She acted heartlessly though. Probably coming from a place of control over her kids but she was absolutely in the wrong.

@User717 - If I were you, I'd report your first post and ask MN Admins to move your thread to the Miscarriage/Loss section of the boards.

I don't think you were in the slightest bit unreasonable and just to clarify I'm not in the age bracket that alphapie suggested in one of her messages. I'm considerably younger as I feel are you.

Very outdated thinking, although many on his board are in the older age bracket so makes sense tbh

The OP is TTC, so hardly 55+

Here’s a shocking revelation for you - some people are more private than others, and it doesn’t have anything to do with age.

I don't understand the bottom question, OP married a man with kids so of course she should help with them, I never understand the argument that step parents shouldn't do any parenting for the children they willingly came step parents too.
Anyway, sorry for your loss OP. Maybe your husband told his ex because he needs support and doesn't know how to ask for it?

Who is DH allowed to talk to? I'd guess it was less about telling her and more about telling "someone".

He made a poor choice, but I can see why he would off load when given the opportunity of someone asking.

this kind of shit is the loss of a much loved baby.

Have you no compassion? What the actual fuck is WRONG with you?

Unreasonable unless you had agreed to tell her. Which you had not done.

It seems some people struggle with comparmentalising, different information. All the best op