To think this is none of her business and he shouldn't have told her?!

[User717]

I'm really pissed off. I don't want to be here ranting for ages so I'll just go straight to the issue...

My husband has older kids with his ex. We'd been TTC and had a miscarriage, I was devastated. Had to have surgical removal and it was just horrid.

He's told his ex (WHY he thought this was ok I don't know) and she has now made it about her saying we should have told her we were trying.

Are these people just deluded?!

He says he told her because the kids told her I was upset when they were here the other day. They did see me cry (not in the same room but they walked in whilst I was) and I tried to sort out my.face and smile and tell them it was fine, just work and that was the end of it, they were fine. They don't know about the miscarriage or anything about TTC.

DH and ex aren't friends, they don't get on. So what on earth possessed him to tell her that is beyond me. He knows I wouldn't have wanted her to know.

AIBU to think they are both dicks. Him for telling her and her for not doing the normal human thing of saying sorry to hear that but instead making it a problem.

@Burgoo I didn’t say men don’t suffer emotionally. But of course it isn’t their body. It’s not him who has to bleed and cramp, is it? Or who has the hormonal tidal wave? Of course men can suffer the loss of a much-wanted future, no one’s disputing that. But in the same way there’s no such thing as “we’re pregnant”, there’s no such thing as “we miscarried”. The DH didn’t: OP did. It’s her business to decide whether the ex gets to know what’s happening to her body.

Plus, it’s absolutely fundamental that it is ONLY the woman’s body that has the pregnancy and thus the miscarriage: look at how Roe vs Wade has been overturned because men think they have a day over women’s bodies. Now that’s ludicrous and downright offensive.

Of course your husband should talk about it if it helps him but in this case he's not talking about it with a mate for support, he told his ex who instead of being sympathetic made it about her. So yeah I can see why you're upset, it's a tough enough time as it is. Unfortunately he can't unwell her so try not to think about her and focus on making sure you get support. I recommend The Worst Girl Gang Ever.

I'd be fuming too OP. In fact I'd be raging.

Sorry for your loss

@chilledbubble you'd have to ask him. It doesn't matter if you think it's odd, he wanted to tell her, it's his news as much as it's the OPs, she doesn't get to unilaterally decide who he is allowed to tell, or what lie he needs to make up.

Maybe he just didn't feel comfortable lying to her face when asked why his wife was upset.

They’re totally unreasonable!

OP, you said, “He doesn't pay maintenance as we have them 50:50 so no, it's not her business.”

If you have a child it will affect your SC and consequently it will have an impact on his ExW. She does not need to know that you are TTC but your response implies it will not affect her if you have a child, it will.

I’m so sorry you lost your baby x

The only thing that would have made my miscarriages worse for my husband was if his ex knew about them. Like yours, they’re not friends or friendly. We got there in the end and DD is 3. To this day my DSC mum hasn’t acknowledged she exists which is fine with us.

It really isn’t. What is it with people thinking everyone has a right to women’s bodies.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My thinking would be the same as yours - I'd be upset at both of them. I do think though, that when things have eased a little, you'll realise he probably didn't mean to say anything. Or maybe he did, but it didn't occur to him that she'd said something so ridiculous, and he also didn't realise it was a secret.

People make mistakes. It's not the be all and end all. Put her out of your mind - you're right, it's got literally not a single thing to do with her. Talk to your husband. Look after yourself.

Now, that’s not what I said, is it.

but it turns out op’s dh doesn't pay maintenance anyway so it is a non-issue.