Page 2 | To think this is none of her business and he shouldn't have told her?!

User717 · 2022-07-08T15:15:16+00:00

I'm really pissed off. I don't want to be here ranting for ages so I'll just go straight to the issue... My husband has older kids with his ex. We'd been TTC and had a miscarriage, I was devastated. Had to have surgical removal and it was just horrid. He's told his ex (WHY he thought this was ok I don't know) and she has now made it about her saying we should have told her we were trying. Are these people just deluded?! He says he told her because the kids told her I was upset when they were here the other day. They did see me cry (not in the same room but they walked in whilst I was) and I tried to sort out my.face and smile and tell them it was fine, just work and that was the end of it, they were fine. They don't know about the miscarriage or anything about TTC. DH and ex aren't friends, they don't get on. So what on earth possessed him to tell her that is beyond me. He knows I wouldn't have wanted her to know. AIBU to think they are both dicks. Him for telling her and her for not doing the normal human thing of saying sorry to hear that but instead making it a problem.

AmaryIlis · 08/07/2022 18:03

I'd cu your husband some slack. He's entitled to tell his children's mother the reason why they saw something that might have bothered them. Would it have bothered you if he'd told them that you had, say, flu, or covid, or had your appendix out? I know exactly how upsetting a miscarriage is, having had two, but I never thought it was something I needed to be embarrassed about other people knowing.

His ex is a total dickhead, of course, but so long as you and he are united in recognising that and telling her to piss off, that seems to me to be all that is needed.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 08/07/2022 18:05

Yanbu.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hopefully next time the pregnancy will work out.

LilyMarshall · 08/07/2022 18:10

User717 · 08/07/2022 17:18

And the fact we are TTC is none of her business.

id say to an extent it is, depending on the children, as it will impact her maintenance which she will need to prepare for. Unless by older children you meant over 19. Or he will not have the amount reassessed and reduced.

5zeds · 08/07/2022 18:13

I’d be cross and hurt and just so disappointed that he chose to make it harder. Can you tell him how you feel? Is he even sorry?

As for his X just refuse to interact with or about her going forward. She’s shown who she is.

I’m so sorry this happened to you and you lost your baby. I have been in this position many times and it’s so hard to keep going sometimes. Talk to someone close in RL.

stuntbubbles · 08/07/2022 18:21

AmaryIlis · 08/07/2022 18:03

I'd cu your husband some slack. He's entitled to tell his children's mother the reason why they saw something that might have bothered them. Would it have bothered you if he'd told them that you had, say, flu, or covid, or had your appendix out? I know exactly how upsetting a miscarriage is, having had two, but I never thought it was something I needed to be embarrassed about other people knowing.

His ex is a total dickhead, of course, but so long as you and he are united in recognising that and telling her to piss off, that seems to me to be all that is needed.

I don’t think anyone is entitled to pass on news of anyone’s miscarriage. It’s the OP’s business – yes, together she and her DH were going to have a baby, but only she was pregnant. Only her body is undergoing trauma.

She also doesn’t say she’s embarrassed by it. I think the emotions around miscarriage are far more complex than “social embarrassment” – lots of women, whether it’s logical or not, feel shame, guilt, anxiety, fear, PTSD. There’s also the fact that once people know you’ve miscarried, you feel a bit on “womb watch”: that everyone’s got their eye on you to see if you’re peaky, not drinking, any signs of pregnancy. The pressure becomes enormous. And TTC is psychologically difficult enough as it is, let alone after miscarriage, without having your husband’s ex think she needs to be in the know for every positive ovulation test.

Original poster

User717 · 08/07/2022 18:25

LilyMarshall · 08/07/2022 18:10

id say to an extent it is, depending on the children, as it will impact her maintenance which she will need to prepare for. Unless by older children you meant over 19. Or he will not have the amount reassessed and reduced.

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He doesn't pay maintenance as we have them 50:50 so no, it's not her business.

OP posts:

Original poster

User717 · 08/07/2022 18:27

stuntbubbles · 08/07/2022 18:21

I don’t think anyone is entitled to pass on news of anyone’s miscarriage. It’s the OP’s business – yes, together she and her DH were going to have a baby, but only she was pregnant. Only her body is undergoing trauma.

She also doesn’t say she’s embarrassed by it. I think the emotions around miscarriage are far more complex than “social embarrassment” – lots of women, whether it’s logical or not, feel shame, guilt, anxiety, fear, PTSD. There’s also the fact that once people know you’ve miscarried, you feel a bit on “womb watch”: that everyone’s got their eye on you to see if you’re peaky, not drinking, any signs of pregnancy. The pressure becomes enormous. And TTC is psychologically difficult enough as it is, let alone after miscarriage, without having your husband’s ex think she needs to be in the know for every positive ovulation test.

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Thanks this is exactly it. You've explained it better than I could. Add also she's just the last person id want to know about this and he knows that. He wasn't looking for support from her, they don't like each other. She's exactly the type of person to make this about her and make it a big issue. Why would anyone want that at a time like this.

OP posts:

LightSpeeds · 08/07/2022 18:49

User717 · 08/07/2022 17:17

If he was talking to someone about his grief like a friend or family member then that's very different. She isn't his friend, she was never going to support him through his loss, they do not get along at all and it was completely unsurprising really that she'd use this as another stick to beat him/ us with because that's what she's like.

It's nothing to do with embarrassment. I don't want a woman who only ever thinks of herself knowing this information about me. I do not want to have to deal with her now whinging that we didn't tell her when she's the last thing on my mind.

Yes, that makes perfect sense and you hardly need it on top of what you've already been through. Thinking of you...

user237363826 · 08/07/2022 18:57

Completely out of order. It is absolutely none of her business and it's even worse that she is a complete bitch to make it about her.

When I fell pregnant, DH ex text me congratulations and that she didn't even know we were trying. Why on earth would we message someone (esp when she has tried to split us up many times) to let them know we were having unprotected sex?! Bizarre sense of entitlement for these stupid women.

user237363826 · 08/07/2022 18:59

@stuntbubbles spot on 👏🏼👏🏼

chilledbubble · 08/07/2022 19:00

It is shit all to do with her.

1000yellowdaisies · 08/07/2022 19:01

alphapie · 08/07/2022 17:02

I never get this argument, mainly because I don't know anyone who is so precious about medical treatments.

I know all about my mothers husbands prostate exam, as does DH as he was worried about his soon, my friends husbands are all open and chat honestly about anything medical too. My male co workers discuss regularly their various anal procedures.

Only on MN does this seem to be a taboo thing about not discussing anything medical with anyone, regardless of how close. A miscarriage is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Very outdated thinking, although many on his board are in the older age bracket so makes sense tbh

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If your male co workers 'discuss regularly their various anal procedures' and you just sit there listening to it then you sound like an idiot.

This idea that wanting to retain some sort of privacy around miscarriage is to do with shame or embarrassment is wrong and offensive. I didnt tell anyone at work about mine and it wasnt due to embarrassment.

chilledbubble · 08/07/2022 19:01

LilyMarshall · 08/07/2022 18:10

id say to an extent it is, depending on the children, as it will impact her maintenance which she will need to prepare for. Unless by older children you meant over 19. Or he will not have the amount reassessed and reduced.

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Nope. It's not her business until he reduces the maintenance. You don't have to give her a heads up about it until say a month before the maintenance drops.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/07/2022 19:04

alphapie · 08/07/2022 17:02

I never get this argument, mainly because I don't know anyone who is so precious about medical treatments.

I know all about my mothers husbands prostate exam, as does DH as he was worried about his soon, my friends husbands are all open and chat honestly about anything medical too. My male co workers discuss regularly their various anal procedures.

Only on MN does this seem to be a taboo thing about not discussing anything medical with anyone, regardless of how close. A miscarriage is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Very outdated thinking, although many on his board are in the older age bracket so makes sense tbh

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It's bathing to so with being embarrassed and all to do with the fact it's goy fuck all to do with the ex so why should she be told?

And children don't need to know either

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/07/2022 19:05

Don't know what happened there but I'm sure you get the point

beautyisthefaceisee · 08/07/2022 19:05

I'm on the fence. I don't think it's outrageous he would tell his ex, given that they share children....but I'm so sorry for your loss.

alphapie · 08/07/2022 19:07

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/07/2022 19:05

Don't know what happened there but I'm sure you get the point

I get the point and disagree entirely.

This loss impacts both, it's not just the OPs decision on who to tell and what lies to concoct. It's everything to do with the ex and the children that's what DH wants.

Just like he would be unreasonable for getting funny if the OP wanted to tell her family, friends or ex.

chilledbubble · 08/07/2022 19:12

alphapie · 08/07/2022 19:07

I get the point and disagree entirely.

This loss impacts both, it's not just the OPs decision on who to tell and what lies to concoct. It's everything to do with the ex and the children that's what DH wants.

Just like he would be unreasonable for getting funny if the OP wanted to tell her family, friends or ex.

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It's really not anything to do with the ex? Why does she need to know? There's no benefit to her knowing.

alphapie · 08/07/2022 19:12

@1000yellowdaisies well yes, it's called a conversation, people discuss appointments, why they're off work for x,y or z. It's hardly a new phenomenon. I've discussed my intense period pains, blood clots and fertility treatments, other female co workers have discussed abortions, the menopause and one a very detailed description of her pregnancy induced piles (which tbh I could have done without!) This is across many workplaces over the years.

MN is the only place I have ever seen this weird mentality perpetuated that medical appointments or procedures are secret, same view pops up on here about salaries too.

alphapie · 08/07/2022 19:13

@chilledbubble why does it matter if she 'needs' to know?

Would the OPs mother 'need' to know, would he friend 'need' to know.

If you base everything you do and say off who needs to know you mustn't speak to many people about much.

He WANTED to tell her, and that's a pretty simple concept to accept

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 08/07/2022 19:16

alphapie · 08/07/2022 19:07

I get the point and disagree entirely.

This loss impacts both, it's not just the OPs decision on who to tell and what lies to concoct. It's everything to do with the ex and the children that's what DH wants.

Just like he would be unreasonable for getting funny if the OP wanted to tell her family, friends or ex.

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It's the ops body, she's the one which had the mc not her dh. I'm sure if he wanted to talk he could have picked someone who wasn't his ex who then made it all about her 🙄

chilledbubble · 08/07/2022 19:22

alphapie · 08/07/2022 19:13

@chilledbubble why does it matter if she 'needs' to know?

Would the OPs mother 'need' to know, would he friend 'need' to know.

If you base everything you do and say off who needs to know you mustn't speak to many people about much.

He WANTED to tell her, and that's a pretty simple concept to accept

Ok why does he WANT to tell her? Seems odd.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 08/07/2022 19:33

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think it's important to distinguish between where he was just a bit stupid & thoughtless or whether there was any bad intent.

I'm sure there wasn't and he probably understands that now. Grieving is hard & everyone does it different, please support each other rather than taking it out on each other.

Try not to hold it against him, if he's not normally a twat. The last thing he wanted to do would be upset you further.

As for her, she can feck off.

Burgoo · 08/07/2022 19:40

Firstly I think her mentioning it and telling the OP that they should have told her was unreasonable. It really isn't her place to demand she know every detail of their lives.

At the same time, I am also really conscious of the fact male partners get a raw deal when partners miscarry. It is easy to assume the male partner isn't suffering and/or traumatised by the whole process and he may well have needed to get it off his chest. I don't know whether he has friends he can rely on, but talking with someone who isn't you isn't unreasonable. Having had a similar experience, I needed to let out my anger, sadness etc to someone other than my deeply pained partner.

Whilst he may have picked the wrong person to confide in, the fact is people who are grieving make the weirdest decisions.

I would give him a break and tell the woman where to go. Don't allow her to kick you both whilst you are down. You are both likely to be suffering in different ways and he is unlikely to know what to "do" to makes things better. Men are always a second thought in these instances, even though the pain is very much felt. I believe that miscarriage needs to be holistically managed - including BOTH partners - and include a lot of support around the family.

Goodness sake don't turn on each other!
I feel for OP deeply. its a horrific thing for someone to go through, let alone with complications that followed.

Burgoo · 08/07/2022 19:44

@stuntbubbles

"yes, together she and her DH were going to have a baby, but only she was pregnant. Only her body is undergoing trauma."

Absolutely nonsensical take here^
It is an archaic belief that the woman suffers and the man doesn't. Is it the same? Hell no. Is it AS painful? Certainly not. But it is different. Men don't know what to do when things like this happen. They are hopeless and powerless; unable to do anything to ease the partner's suffering. They grieve the loss of an imagined future - all the birthdays, christmases, school parents evenings, sports days, proms, taking the child to university, seeing them graduate.

Its an absolute heart-breaker for both involved and to make this nonsensical statement that "only her body" is ludicrous and down-right offensive.