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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent ex-wife's demands?

78 replies

Epiphone1 · 08/07/2022 15:45

My ex-wife rings or texts me about 20-30 times a day. She wants me to go round and help her with this, or support her with that. It's getting to the point now where I've had enough.

We've been separated since 2017. We stayed living in the house for financial reasons, but I moved out about 18 months ago and am quite happy.

We've got 2 kids. The eldest one lives with me full time. She has fallen out with her mother and they don't talk much.

We've always maintained a good friendship, and I try to help her as much as I can. But lately I am getting a bit fed up with her constant demands for me to help her.

Every week she seems to have a new emergency or dilemma or drama that she needs my help and support with.

I'm tired of looking after her full time.

What should I do....?

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 08/07/2022 15:48

Stop responding as much and as quickly.

ManateeFair · 08/07/2022 15:54

Ignore any texts that aren’t about the children, for a start. If that doesn’t work, I think you have to point out very clearly that as you have been separated for five years, she needs to be independent and to call or text you in relation to the children only. She is basically acting as if you’re still married, and you’re enabling her by pandering to her.

Dexysmidnightstroller · 08/07/2022 15:55

Stop enabling her by replying. Did you have a complete financial break?

HairyScaryMonster · 08/07/2022 15:58

Just don't engage unless it's specifically about the children. She's bonkers.

orbitalcrisis · 08/07/2022 15:59

Instead of going round there and doing it for her send her a link to a wikihow or similar, she'll get the idea in the end. Probably.

Wombat100 · 08/07/2022 16:06

Calling 20/30 times a day is bordering on harassment surely? Tell her to only contact you regarding the children or in a genuine emergency, and then stop answering her calls. I think you need to go a bit cold Turkey here. If you were a woman and your ex husband was bombarding you like this I think it would seem quite stalker-ish so it should be approached in the same way here, i.e cut her off to the absolute bare minimum.

Naunet · 08/07/2022 16:08

Why can’t you just say no?

Essexgalttc · 08/07/2022 16:08

Perhaps she hasn’t accepted that your relationship is over and by you supporting here, messaging her back and being there for every drama that pops up she feels like you’re still together?

YANBU for feeling fed up about this but
YABU for letting yourself get in this position in the first place. If you are constantly giving her what she wants, she isn’t going to stop…

It’s good that you are staying civil even “friends” with her but I would take a step back unless it’s to do with the kids. You could even tell her how you are feeling, you need to get on with your own life.

The thing is even if she wasn’t an ex and was just a friend, a relative etc - you don’t owe anyone all your time / drop everything for them

HandbagsnGladrags · 08/07/2022 16:10

Agree with the others, just start saying no. I didn't want anything from my ex husband when we split, let alone having him round doing jobs for me etc, so I can't understand the behaviour personally. Sounds like she's trying to keep a hold of you.

PolkaDotMankini · 08/07/2022 16:10

I don't even call my very DH 20-30 times a day. I think he'd probably divorce me if I did.

zafferana · 08/07/2022 16:16

She sounds like the definition of the mythical 'crazy ex'. Seriously, 20-30 times A DAY??? She is clearly trying to ruin your life OP and stop you moving on. I'd be tempted to do her for stalking, but that's just me Grin

Meraas · 08/07/2022 16:18

Stop answering her calls and messages.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 08/07/2022 16:24

What sorts of things is she calling about?

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 08/07/2022 16:32

It sounds like she can't let go of you.

You don't need to help her with this 'emergencies' or 'dramas,' she can ask family, friends or professionals.

You don't need to answer her ludicrous number of texts.
You need to start distancing yourself and make yourself unavailable to her.
Basically, you need to be cruel to be kind.

Keep your communication to just about your children and nothing else.

LocalHobo · 08/07/2022 16:38

I would suggest saying that you are unable to handle so many calls but she is welcome to text or email with any issues and then, when you have an opportunity, you will get back to her. This may shock her into realising how much she expects from you. It sounds like she is on the phone as soon as she thinks of something and before engaging her thought process. Don't remain so available.

Charlize43 · 08/07/2022 16:46

It reminds me of many years ago I worked in an open plan office and used to overhear a woman on the neighbouring desk ring up her ex husband and repeatedly ask for money, pleading poverty and say she couldn't afford a boiler repair, or faulty locks, or a smashed window or a car repair. Every week would be a new request for money for something, all the while she used to come into work and show off the latest additions to her rather envious wardrobe. The first time, I ever got to really inspect a designer Prada bag was hers...

Anyway she's obviously using all these dramas to maintain contact with you. Does she badger you for money?

jeaux90 · 08/07/2022 16:49

Stop having a parental relationship with her, she isn't a child.

You have a couple of choices. Unless it's to do with the kids start ignoring. Or you can have the conversation and explain it's too much.

Ponoka7 · 08/07/2022 16:50

Can you give examples of the last few requests? What is her financial situation and how old is the child that lives with her? She sounds desperate. It's upto you to put boundaries in place. However you do need to make sure that she isn't coping and how that impacts on the youngest.

houseonthehill · 08/07/2022 17:13

I had this for a few years. The only way is to only reply to things which are relevant to co-parenting. It took a while though.

Nowadays (9 years on) I'm still driven a bit batty by texts which are framed as if we still live together and have had conversations about people, places and events of which I have no knowledge whatsoever: 'I was thinking he could come to yours on the Tuesday after I've visited Roger and Jeanie and maybe stay until my project deadline is passed.' When you don't know who Roger and Jeanie are, when they are being visited, or anything about her job, it takes a back-and-forth to get the actual information...

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 08/07/2022 17:52

Good lord. That level of contact is likely to make another relationship almost impossible, or at least very difficult. That's not fair on your current partner, if you have one, or any future partner.

chilledbubble · 08/07/2022 17:56

Say no?

ShagMeRiggins · 08/07/2022 17:57

Reverse?

Either way, miserable interaction for any two people, whether they’re together or not.

20-30 times a day??!! That’s not normal.

seven201 · 08/07/2022 17:59

Stop being a walkover.

Her: "the living room blind has fallen off. Can you come fix it tomorrow after work?"
You: "sorry, no, I've got my own house to look after and finding it a bit stressful also doing your house. Perhaps ask someone on the street if they can recommend a handyman."

She's taking the piss, but maybe she needs that pointing out.

Hawkins001 · 08/07/2022 18:04

Epiphone1 · 08/07/2022 15:45

My ex-wife rings or texts me about 20-30 times a day. She wants me to go round and help her with this, or support her with that. It's getting to the point now where I've had enough.

We've been separated since 2017. We stayed living in the house for financial reasons, but I moved out about 18 months ago and am quite happy.

We've got 2 kids. The eldest one lives with me full time. She has fallen out with her mother and they don't talk much.

We've always maintained a good friendship, and I try to help her as much as I can. But lately I am getting a bit fed up with her constant demands for me to help her.

Every week she seems to have a new emergency or dilemma or drama that she needs my help and support with.

I'm tired of looking after her full time.

What should I do....?

Offer a quote, and charge x for x service or task etc

UndertheCedartree · 08/07/2022 18:13

I think you need to decide what your boundaries are. So what are you happy to help/support with and what you aren't. Then after clearly explaining these boundaries to her, ignore any texts about things outside of this and cut down on the number of calls you answer.

My ex-DH and I have always maintained a friendship and he helps me with things around the house, like small odd jobs. He also supports me if I get overwhelmed with the DC and will stay over if I'm ill. It's a bit of give and take as I do things for him too. I see him 3 times a week but aside from that we don't text or talk on average more than once a day. 20-30 times a day is ridiculous, but I'd think it was a crazy amount even if you were still together!