AIBU to find working much harder now the kids are in school?

[Thebeastofsleep]

When I got pregnant with DC1 I didn't think I would return to work, or if I did I would work part time. Turns out I hated mat leave and being a SAHP so returned full time after 12 months. DC went to a lovely nursery and all was good. When I had DC2, I again wanted to return full time, no issues. Nursery was great, kids loved it and it was all very easy. Everyone said to me "bet you can't wait until they go to school" etc like it was going to be easier or something? But I find it much harder. We chose a school with excellent wrap around care, so no issues in that regard however there's so much more to do - school fairs, plays, sports days, trips etc. It isn't even much cheaper. I'm finding it emotionally much harder to work now that they are in school. AIBU?

In my experience, each stage requires heavy parental involvement.

Pre-school - they need you there all the time, just because they're little.

Primary school - your life is consumed by book bags, swimming bags, reading diaries, filling in the diary oh-so-exciting things the Class Bear does when he comes to stay for the entire sodding weekend, Cubs, swimming, parties, permission slips, etc, etc, etc.

Secondary school - they're oh so independent, but then you're needed just in case someone wants to tell you something that's genuinely important (which they will do at midnight, when the last thing you want to do is counsel anyone through a friendship drama).

It never gets easier. Sorry.

I think the issue is that a lot of people think that when all your children in school that's the end of it being 'acceptable' to be a SAHM. So there's an idea that you 'should' go back then (and still quite a strong societal idea that you 'shouldn't' work if you're the mother of preschoolers), which somehow gets confused into an idea that it'll be easier then.

My oldest doesn't start school until September and I'm dreading it a bit - fully expecting it to be much harder than now, when they're both in nursery. But I don't think I'd realised it would be like that when he was a baby, it's only really watching friends with older children. Having one in school and one in nursery is going to be a particular logistical nightmare in terms of drop-off and pick-up, so that's a fun three years of stress and difficulty to come!

I agree OP. I've worked FT since mine had just turned 1 and the nursery years were logistically easier but I also felt myself surrounded by people who believed school would make it easier. Greater mental load, many more logistical challenges, assemblies, school trips, sports days, patchy wraparound provision, winging it to the end of term, winging it through the holidays...

I'm not interested in overall comparing easier/harder stages of parenthood, but there is certainly a weird myth that children being in school is good for work and it's SO not true.

I don't agree - surely it also depends what kind of job you do?, there is alot of catastrophising on this thread.

Costs: ours is relatively cheap I think. Breakfast club starts at 7.45 and costs £1 per day to cover the childcare (food is free). After school club til 6pm ie £10 per day. I use a childminder instead at the same price. I'm glad the ASC is there as a backup but it looks pretty rubbish - kids running wild inside the canteen and a few sour-faced workers chatting amongst themselves and occasionally pausing to yell at the kids.

School holidays are v expensive. I have 5 weeks leave but the kids have 13 weeks off. My childminder charges £250 per child per week. I get some of this back through UC. There are some sports camp type provision locally, much cheaper (about £50pw) but hours are more like 9-3 so it doesn't usually work for me.

Time off? For sickness, very very little here luckily (one tricky first winter in childcare, subsequently bombproof immune systems). For school stuff, it's a piece of string. Usually class assembly once a term ish, an after school fair type thing once a term, parents evening twice a year, sports day once a year. They appeal for parents to come on trips twice ish a year and I tend to not do those. In the early years they've had 'family phonics' type things for the first half hour of the day, once a week, and as far as possible I've prioritised going to these. It's a really tricky balance. My mum was a teacher and could never do any of that stuff, and I remember that she was never there. I want to be there as much as I can for my kids, but I've accepted I can't do all of it. (Flip side of course is that I had my mum all through the holidays whereas mine still often need to be rushed out of the house most weeks... none of it is perfect!)

In terms of holidays and that, we used to send the kids to stay with their grandparents for a few days every now and then even when we didn’t need it when they were little - the aim was always that they were used to it and just went for a few days during the holidays! So luckily now we can cover about 10 days of the summer hols between grandparents and other family.

100% harder and I agree that as they get older they need you more from an emotional support perspective, so I’m now cutting my hours down (appreciating that I’m lucky I can do that). Much easier to manage when they were in nursery full time 9 hours a day

It’s news to me! Ughhhh
also currently nursery is all year and I’ve realised school wont be. How expensive is wraparound care?

Yeah I agree; I feel bad missing things but I can’t manage it all plus DD feels sad when her friends are picked up from school and she stays and goes to after school club whereas at nursery most kids stayed until past 5 so she didn’t notice

@whywhywhy5
after school club is £12 and breakfast club £5 here and holiday club £26.
I still find it cheaper than nursery was; over the summer holidays I’m taking 2 weeks off, getting some help from family and spending about £200 on holiday club which is not bad for 6 weeks imo.
It helps having a flexible boss; it’s normally only the odd hour to go in for shows etc so I use my lunch and make the time up

When kids get older they can go to school on their own, depending on where you live, that makes life easier for sure, and not quite so many events to attend after primary

This is one of the reasons why, having never had one before, we're considering a nanny for when I go back to work after my maternity leave rather than nursery (baby due later this year). The logistics of one in school/after-school club, one in nursery and two separate drop-offs and pick-ups (with school and nursery quite a distance apart) is something we're struggling to work out with our present jobs. I realise that we're in quite a privileged position to contemplate this, though.

The more I think about my DD starting school the more I feel the school day/year
does not fit in modern society where both parents are working full time and the whole system could really do with a rethink

I don't want to send you over the edge entirely OP but I'm finding the current stage - 2 teens, 1 pre-teen (single parent, busy full-time job) the most exhausting.

Emotionally & practically - they do a lot of sport & I'm pulled in so many directions trying to accommodate it. Emotionally there is always something from friendship issues to exams ...

Yes, it's easier as they can be left alone, go to school themselves but the sheer level of organisation is just draining.

I keep reminding myself I will probably miss it when they leave home in a few years!

We just finished the first year of reception.

I'm honestly more burned out than when he was 2.

About £120-£200 a week for sports camps etc.

I worked full time for about 8 months when my ds was a baby...he went to a childminder. It was an absolute breeze compared to the school years.

Well, this is sobering.

I think the issue is that a lot of people think that when all your children in school that's the end of it being 'acceptable' to be a SAHM. So there's an idea that you 'should' go back then (and still quite a strong societal idea that you 'shouldn't' work if you're the mother of preschoolers), which somehow gets confused into an idea that it'll be easier then.

Mmm I think that definitely exists. I've never been a SAHP myself, but I've noticed in threads on here on the going back to work issue there are invariably posters piping up saying that they think SAHPing is taking the piss or similar beyond school age. And while the changes in work and the labour shortage both mean flexible work that can be done during school hours is more common and accessible than it used to be, it's still not available to everyone and doesn't suit all skillsets.

Meanwhile there's less childcare and wraparound childcare than there used to be and parents are still struggling to navigate that.

Oh yes, I’m finding having one at primary and one at secondary the hardest yet!

Three years with them at two different schools, different inset days. Admittedly only me to cover holidays as I’m widowed so that increases the challenge. Plus eldest has some additional needs and his transition to secondary was a disaster.

I work three days spread over four, and my one day off in the week is often lost to me through holidays or appointments. My workplace are happily good on the flexibility front but that’s because they know I’m flexible back.

My eldest regularly shares his woes until 11pm, and we have to get up at 6.30pm. People tell me to ‘take care of myself’ and I just laugh.

I know quite a few people who’ve said that the school years are when they’ll go back to work (or go back to full time, if they’ve dropped to part time).

It makes no sense to me as I completely agree it’s far easier to juggle everything when they’re at nursery. I have one at school and one at a 7.30am-6.30pm, open all year round nursery and I know which one is easier!!

Yanbu. I work ft and thank God my job is flexible. Now they are at school it's all

• pe kits on set days
• swimming kits on set days
• packed lunches on set days
• after school clubs for specific kids on specific days
• extra clubs like basketball and swimming etc
• homework
• parents evenings, fundraisers, parent helpers on trips etc
• uniform to launder
• added freedoms - can I play out / have a friend round / go for a sleepover

Seriously - there's so much man management in Primary. Hopefully in secondary they can at least ferry themselves places on the bus.

Provision varies widely by area and school too. So some people don’t understand why you can’t get care yet in some areas 8-6 type holiday care is none existent or £££.
4 is a tricky age, lots of the cheaper 9-3 holiday care doesn’t take until 5. I also found 11 ish tricky - too young to leave 8-6 every day but aged out of holiday care.

Perhaps it was the school my two went to but there was never an expectation you would be at school events just an invitation. And most of the parents only went to the occasional event apart from one specific group who did go to everything. For me one of the advantages of working was an excuse not to sit through interminable tedious events. I did go to some though.

The hardest times for us were one in nursery one in out of school club, two drop offs two pick ups and two sets of bills.

I agree OP I thought it would be easier when they went to school.

It wasn't and in retrospect I can see that I became ill. I went from working 2-3 full days to essentially working school hours (5 short days). It's tricky to squeeze things into a short day, it runs out quick.

Tbh for me it did get easier when they went to secondary school. I'd been warned by a friend about the 'teenagers needing you more for emotional support' (also sometimes encouragement/nagging with a more challenging homework timetable) so I feel I've kept aware of that, but it's still been easier workwise for me.