To know know whether to hug her or murder her!

[Mememene]

My mother is 90 and very much all there, she craves attention and if the family don't jump we'll get told in no uncertain terms. I was told to "F off" last night, she's threatened the neighbours, this has been going on for decades so by no means only with her old age.

I was called by a sister as a food delivery service had noticed the curtains were still closed and she couldn't be raised. Bless Wiltshire Farm Foods for doing this. My sister called me as I'm local so I popped down there. The bedroom door was locked, I'm gently tapping, which goes to knocking, I'm knocking on the bedroom window begging her so say something, even if it's "Get lost", there's nothing no sound, no reaction, nothing. She is deaf but not so that she wouldnt hear me knocking on the bedroom door and window.

By now i'm in tears, totally panicked my calls and knocks are met with silence, I'm thinking this is the time we lose her, she's gone. I phone the police to break into the bedroom door, who were totally amazing. I said this could be when she passes or she could be playing me up again.

I call through the door that the police are here and if she doesn't let us know she's ok the door will be going in. The police say the same thing. He taps the door with the ram thing and she opens it right as rain.

She won't speak to me, but replies to whatever the police say to her.

I've been in pieces for a couple of hours, couldn't stop crying, thinking she was gone. But I'm also thinking that she knew what she was doing, we've been in similar situations before and it's a nasty thing to do, to scare and worry someone like that.

Before you judge me too harshly I used to be her carer and after years of switching between nasty and lovely I had to hand it over to the rest of the family as it was making me ill.

So am I being unreasonable to not know whether to hug her (not that she'd let me) or tell her to stop creating drama (not that it would work).

The day I don't respond will be the day she does really need help so I can't ignore her.

Oh that sounds awful. How dreadful of her to create this drama.
What was her response when the police told her you'd been trying to get in for hours and she hadn't replied? And did she apologise to the police?

I don't know what to suggest to help you. But don't rise to this latest episode. Don't hug her. Don't berate her. Ask your sibling to make it clear to mum that she's worried lots of people and she's not being fair to you. But I can't offer any suggestion other than that.

Try to look after yourself.

I definitely wouldn't be hugging her! What a horrible thing to do, and what a waste of police time.

If she responds better to strangers than she does to family, it might be worth getting a daily visit from a carer. Also "losing" the key to the bedroom door might help, then at least you won't be having to call the police if she decided to lock herself in again

She relies on the day you don't respond being the day she needs the help to keep control of you.

I wouldn't be hugging her either, what a nasty trick to pull and a complete waste of police time
I'm so sorry that she put you through that

Just because she's old, doesn't make her a nice person. Just because she's your mum, doesn't make her a nice person. And it sounds very much like she isn't - she deliberately worried you, let you cause a drama and waste police time, then intentionally snubbed you after you tried to check she was okay. She sounds fucking awful, tbh. Your decision to stop caring for her was a good one, I wonder if now is the time to stop jumping at her antics too?

(I KNOW that's easier said than done and that there's a risk you'd not forgive yourself if anything happened to her and you were keeping your distance. But she is thriving off the reaction to all this nonsense and the only way to stop that is to stop responding to her ridiculousness.)

She only responds better to strangers for a short time, then she gets nasty with them too. Family keep going back because she's our mum, so we tolerate it. Strangers are either kicked out or leave. She's had cleaners, gardeners, shoppers, visitors from local organisations, she finds fault with all of them sadly.

She has been in homes for short spells but won't stay as they are all full of "mad old people".

The bedroom key is definitely going to be "lost", or I could be really sneaky and get one cut when she's not looking, so we don't have the drama around taking it away.

We have a key lock on the front door, so the emergency services can get in at any time and the family have keys to the front door. The bedroom door key needs sorting though.

It's just so emotionally draining.

This is vile behaviour. How does the bedroom door lock? If it’s a key id tell her either she gives you one or that’s it. I know it’s hard when it’s your mum but honestly she’s a grown woman, I hope the police have her a talking to.

Wow I would be telling her under no uncertain terms that her behaviour was disgusting and embarrassing and horrendous that the police had to be called when they could be at a proper emergency

I'd tell her she's on her own until she can have more respect for you all and walk away.

I would definitely get a key cut.

And I would definitely not be running round there again, she's old enough to know the story of the boy who cried wolf, isn't she?

If, like you say, she is completely with it, then it’s an awful thing to do. You also say she’s done similar before. She must enjoy your reaction to keep doing it. I couldn’t imagine doing that to someone I supposedly care about. I would have to take a massive step back and see about getting carers.

Lose the key. She could leave hers in her side....

She sounds vile and no, I wouldn’t want to hug her.

She sounds horrendous and I'd be telling her to fuck off and leave her to it. Might sound harsh, but people only get the opportunity to treat you badly if you let them.

Given she was warned that the police were called, she should also be given a fine for wasting police time.

sorry but if shes always been like this id lve her to it-shes absuive to you and downright nasty

what did she say to the police

What a cow, what did she say to the police?

Depends on the lock, if she locks the door and leaves her key in, you may not be able to use a key on your side.

I'd just loose it.... and blame her!

I was expecting Mumnet metaphorical beating for being so nasty about a sweet old lady, and wouldn't we want someone to look after us at 90. Yadda yadda yadda.

But you people have pretty much got the size of it, she does know what she's doing. Even as a child and I mean as far back as my memory goes may 6 or 7 years old she'd ignore me for a week and only talk to me through siblings if she perceived I'd been naughty.

She's still going it now and I'm nearly 60.

It was normal for us, but when I became a parent I realised there was nothing at all normal about any of it. Thank goodness I decided that I'd never parent the way she did.

How often do you generally see her?

If you are in regular contact, I'd tell her that she has made it plain by her actions she doesn't want to see you so you won't be going round again.

Then back away.

It's a terrible way to be, and very sad. Unfortunately it's out of your control.

Good point about the key,

I have a 'butter wouldn't melt' manipulative mother, too.

It makes life hard. Strangers rally around her for a while, but then start to see through her.

People with normal mothers say stuff like 'oh, you'll miss her when she's gone...'. If only they knew. All I'll miss is the ulcers she gives me!

I think the police were used to it, they were lovely and were telling mum that I had done the right thing in calling them.

I think they were more worried she'd have a go at me again, top marks for the police though, came quickly and were ready to break in the door if needed.

Yes hadn't thought about the key being on the inside of the door, so losing it will have to be the way forward.

She sounds like a thoroughly nasty individual and you're scared/intimidated of her (understandably) and have been most of your life.

So it's Easy for others to say, oh tell her to fuck off etc. But clearly that's not an easy thing for you to do. I think she needs a bloody stern talking to, from someone though. Shame the police didn't give her a bollocking for time wasting.

I would imagine it will feel very freeing for you when she dies.

I dont really have any advice but this sounds just like my mother. I'm convinced she has nassisiatic personality disorder. I had some cbt a while ago regarding my anxiety and the councillor laid out some boundaries to set in place. I also find grey rock really helps as there would be no point in discussing her behavior becuase she becomes aggressive. I like to think of my dm as a small child having a massive tantrum I deal with it when I need to and ignor where possible.

It sounds like this is her ways. I'm so sorry you have been treated like this, it really is awful and you didn't and don't deserve it!

I'm probably in the minority here but as I got older I realised that keeping toxic people in our lives just because they are family is not necessary. It's not easy of course.

Do you tell her how she makes you feel, or let her know you don't appreciate the way she treats you? She sounds like a real narcissist. If she won't listen to you then I would definitely keep your distance, either she accepts help from outside the family and keeps them or she's on her own. People cannot expect you to keep coming back for more you don't deserve it at all.

Take care of yourself

At this stage, I'd be looking for a nursing home for her and if she says it's full of mad old people tell her that she must be finding it wonderful as she fits right in!!! I also wouldn't be allowing her to leave the nursing home either. She clearly needs round the clock care and they are better equipped to deal with whatever she might be getting up to than you would.

Just because she is 90 does mean that she should be allowed to get away with wasting police time or making you think that she was dead. She sounds absolutely awful.

My own 89 year old mother wouldn't pull a stunt like that on anyone.