To feel that I’m only just surviving, not living.

[byathread20]

Just that really…
I started a new job in May (management in the NHS in the nursing sector) and it’s 4 days per week when previously working 3 and I just feel I’m literally skidding through each day.

I used to have time to plan meals, socialise, exercise etc and I just feel that in the last few weeks now work has really ramped up, that I’m doing really shitty in every other area of my life.

I’ve not had time to see my friends in ages, my kids have mostly been living off of picky dinners or pasta, me and the husband have been having crappy pasta dinners and the house is a tip. I literally used to iron all the uniforms, hoover every day, cook a fresh meal every day etc but now I barely have the energy to stand up by the time I get home from work.

Bit of background: 2 children with additional needs aged 10 and 5, both in breakfast club and Afterschool club 5 days per week (7.30am - 17.30pm). Husband works full time but on a shift rotation so starts as early as 7am and finishes as late as 8pm. I work 8/8.30-17.00/17.30. My new job is mostly in the office rather than home working but I have the odd day at home so manage to hang the washing out on my lunch break or make a lasagne instead of the morning commute but this isn’t often.

My day off is often filled with either medical/dental/hearing/vision appointments for me and the kids or I try to see my Mum as she is disabled and needs my support. Then my four day working week rolls around and I just feel that it’s about all I can do to hold everything together. Husband is great and happy to help however has to be told to do things (i.e when he’s home before me, I will call on drive home to ask him to preheat oven etc).

I’m petrified that this is just my life now and that I have made a mistake taking a job with more hours and more responsibility but money is so tight so definitely need the extra pay (Around an extra £600-£700 a month). My 10yr old often tells me how proud of me they are (got my nursing qualification while they were 2yrs old, finishing when they were 5 and pregnant with my other in my final year, then returned to uni when they were 6 and 18m to get a masters in specialist nursing field and have since moved up 2 pay grades) and whilst I want my children to see the value of working hard, I don’t want them to remember that Mummy was always busy, always exhausted and always stressed out.

Can things get better or will I permanently be on fight or flight?

Iron primary school uniforms every day?
When you say vacuum every day, do you mean 3 mins to pick up crumbs or a full house vacuum?

Just drop your standards. Pasta (plus some veg and protein) is a fine dinner.

Your kids will be fine.

Your husband needs to step up and do more including the planning and execution of tasks. He must know his shifts some way in advance e so can you sit down once a fortnight together and divvy up tasks between you?

Your husband isn't a child, grown adults shouldn't need to be prompted into 'helping' the running of their own households. Yes if he works shifts he might start early or finish late, but which it is, is known in advance- it's not a surprise!

Get that bit sorted, and your mental load will ease, I promise.

No not every day! I have 5 sets of each so every Sunday would spend 2-3hrs ironing whilst watching television but now I’m so exhausted by the evening that I just find myself putting them in a pile on the chair in my bedroom which I then haphazardly dig out at 6.45am on school mornings.

I used to vacuum lounge and kitchen daily and upstairs down 1-2 times per week because the kids make so much mess with endless snacks but now it’s just an “as and when I have time”

I agree I definitely need to drop my standards, I just don’t think I’d mentally prepared myself that picking up that extra day at work would mean cutting back on the cleaning/cooking/general life admin.

Husband is a good stick and will help out with cooking/kids etc and does know his shifts in advance but I definitely need to tell him that I feel I’m running on adrenaline all the time.

I got a bath bomb for my birthday last week and haven’t had time for a bath, just quick showers before the kids wake up in the morning.

@PresidentByeThen yes i agree. I feel bad digging him out as he is a great dad and a loving husband but does have the tendency to sit around before work in the mornings whereas I would empty the dishwasher, put a load of washing onto wash and wipe the sides over whilst the kids are eating their pre-breakfast club breakfast

Get 5 pieces of card. Write out jobs for each day of week against a bullet point. Tell DH he must do some of the jobs on list and not sit around doing nothing in the mornings. My dh brings me tea in bed, then when I am in shower he goes down and unloads dishwasher as n dd puts dishes away, gets D's breakfast and throws a load of washing in. I get up then make DS lunch for school whilst he goes up for his shower. I take son to school while he goes up to WFH for 9 start. I come home and clear up breakfast dishes, feed cats and dogs and peg out washing. Once he finishes work he will come down and peel potatoes or chop veg. I don't ever need to ask him he just looks what needs doing and cracks on with it.

Get a singer steam press. Best £210 I ever spent.

Tell DH he needs to choose a job to do before he gets time to himself to just sit around. Even if that time is 15 minutes. 7 minutes of that could be hoovering the living room and tidying around/taking things out that don't belong in the room.

M and s non iron uniforms.

slightly more pre prepped meals or a meal
subscription box

hoover twice a week no one will die

try to make some exercise a priority you will feel better for it

Struck a chord with me as I have increased hours and responsibility recently too. I have been feeling overwhelmed by the amount I need to juggle and do.

Someone pointed out to me that it will take time to adjust and to work out the new way of being - what you can manage and what you can't. Give it time.

A bit like when you go from one child to two children? At first it's madness having a toddler and a baby you don't know whether you're coming or going. But gradually you get used to it, work out some workarounds, things settle down and it becomes the new normal.

Give yourself time to get used to things. It's all so new that you'll be exhausted. Soon it'll be routine and your brain will have some spare capacity!

You're trying to do too much! I work 6 days a week but my DC are older than yours.

I never iron school uniforms, just hang it up to dry and that's it.

I try to batch cook on my day off but DH shares some of the cooking, housework and all other chores. Sometimes we get a bit behind with the hoovering, the oven doesn't get cleaned for a few months, or the laundry pile gets huge but it hasn't had a negative impact on my life.

I've never ironed a school uniform in my life. That will save you 3 hours.

Get a robot hoover

@byathread20

I did what you have done ... went into a mgt post .

I can honestly say that over the course of 18 months I became a shadow of my former self.

I was always exhausted and had no quality of life.

I was so ridiculously stressed o drank more than I have ever drunk.

I ended up going back down a banding and reducing my hours.

Remember the top regrets of the dying :
"I wish i had been more true to my values"
"I wish i had worked less"

.

I’m a disabled mum of two, working full time. I just don’t iron uniforms and nobody I know does either. Can’t you catch up with stuff on your three days off? Maybe they need to be planned? I hoover multiple times a day but it only takes a few minutes.

Is it the hours or the work itself that getting you so down? You sound so miserable you poor thing.

I literally used to iron all the uniforms, hoover every day, cook a fresh meal every day etc My kids are much older. I have never ironed uniform - in primary we didn't bother and in secondary they did their own. We hoover when the floor needs it. We cook every other night and reheat the second night.

Your standards are way higher than average.

@Bumpsadaisie this really resonates, thank you!

@Manekinek0 haha oh god I hadn’t even thought about the oven 🙈

I have thought about this but seems old such a big purchase - is it really worth it?

@ashitghost i think it’s a combination of things, it’s very stressful at the moment as I’ve come in at a time of huge change and facing lots of resistance but also I think I’m just feeling guilty. I’m off the weekend with the kids and then one day in the week but I hate batch cooking/deep cleaning etc on the weekend as I barely see the kids during the week so like to spend the weekend with them. Maybe I’m just expecting it to be easier than it is and need to give my head a wobble!

I’d drop your standards a little. I stopped ironing school uniform a long time ago. In fact the first time I ironed my son‘s sixth form suit was last night for the prom!

I work full time, on my own with 2 teenagers (their dad works overseas). In the office 3 days, at home 2. I do try and hang out washing, put some away if on a call (not video!). I meal plan, weekday meals don’t take longer than 30 mins to do from start to finish. One of my teens cooks for herself largely, out of choice. I’ve been working on Saturday afternoons for the last year too (at home). I pay a friend to clean, well worth the £30 a week and have a dog Walker which helps enormously. Don’t iron a thing.

I’d say meal plan, or batch cook a couple of evenings meals on the weekend. I have plenty of time to meet friends some evenings. Not every week, but some weeks. I think you should definitely drop standards a little and enlist more help from your husband. You should have a good balance working 4 days per week

@carefullycourageous thank you - I think I needed to hear that. I used to be a proper untidy cow and then during lockdown, I did lots of home working so meant I was around to cook and clean so the house was immaculate and we had an array of beautiful healthy meals and I worry that when I compare life now, I’m starting to become a messy cow again and meals are generally getting more rubbish. Cost of living is a big part of that too now to be fair as having to try and think of creative ways to still make meals healthy even if they’re quick/cheap

Husband is great and happy to help however has to be told to do things (i.e when he’s home before me, I will call on drive home to ask him to preheat oven etc).

your husband is not great. He isnt functioning as an adult. He is acting like a teen waiting for a chores list. He is the weak link here.

until he can function like an equal adult you you have to spell it out. You shouldnt have to but this needs dealing with fast.

‘This is everything that needs doing before your late shifts…
this is everything that needs doing after your early shifts…
when you ask for me to give you a list of household jobs, you add to my work load. That is not supportive, or being an equal adult or parent, and has to change.’

Things will get better.

You'll change your repertoire of food to things that are quicker to cook than lasagne, you'll stop hoovering every day, you'll adapt.

I'm a single mum of one, work full time, and it can be done, and comfortably. Give it some time, you'll work it out.

Before the next school year starts invest in some non iron uniform. As others have said I never iron anything unless it really needed it. Don't be do hard on yourself your doing a fantastic job and we'll done for what you have accomplished. Get everyone to muck in anyway they can. As mothers we tend to just automatically do so much without even thinking to ask for help. Batch cook bolognese you can add flavours to make it into a lasagne, chill con carne, bolognese on a jacket potato, in wraps ect.

Build in your day off jobs for weekday evenings or put weekday evening jobs on your day off!
I try and look ahead and buy and write birthday cards a few at a time or whatever job is coming up.
I do a roast chicken as a big tea one night then have leftover chicken and salad the next. One morning before work I put a quick meal in the slow cooker.
Never iron!

just another voice to say your issue is your DH here. He needs to take responsibility and not act like a child. Plenty of men quietly get on with running a household 50:50 with their wives without having to be “told” or “asked”. I’ve never ironed school uniform either, that’s because my DH has always done it and I’ve never had to mention it once. That’s because he volunteered to take on that chore and so I have only to worry about making sure it’s washed and dried, my part in the process.