To feel that I’m only just surviving, not living.

[byathread20]

Just that really…
I started a new job in May (management in the NHS in the nursing sector) and it’s 4 days per week when previously working 3 and I just feel I’m literally skidding through each day.

I used to have time to plan meals, socialise, exercise etc and I just feel that in the last few weeks now work has really ramped up, that I’m doing really shitty in every other area of my life.

I’ve not had time to see my friends in ages, my kids have mostly been living off of picky dinners or pasta, me and the husband have been having crappy pasta dinners and the house is a tip. I literally used to iron all the uniforms, hoover every day, cook a fresh meal every day etc but now I barely have the energy to stand up by the time I get home from work.

Bit of background: 2 children with additional needs aged 10 and 5, both in breakfast club and Afterschool club 5 days per week (7.30am - 17.30pm). Husband works full time but on a shift rotation so starts as early as 7am and finishes as late as 8pm. I work 8/8.30-17.00/17.30. My new job is mostly in the office rather than home working but I have the odd day at home so manage to hang the washing out on my lunch break or make a lasagne instead of the morning commute but this isn’t often.

My day off is often filled with either medical/dental/hearing/vision appointments for me and the kids or I try to see my Mum as she is disabled and needs my support. Then my four day working week rolls around and I just feel that it’s about all I can do to hold everything together. Husband is great and happy to help however has to be told to do things (i.e when he’s home before me, I will call on drive home to ask him to preheat oven etc).

I’m petrified that this is just my life now and that I have made a mistake taking a job with more hours and more responsibility but money is so tight so definitely need the extra pay (Around an extra £600-£700 a month). My 10yr old often tells me how proud of me they are (got my nursing qualification while they were 2yrs old, finishing when they were 5 and pregnant with my other in my final year, then returned to uni when they were 6 and 18m to get a masters in specialist nursing field and have since moved up 2 pay grades) and whilst I want my children to see the value of working hard, I don’t want them to remember that Mummy was always busy, always exhausted and always stressed out.

Can things get better or will I permanently be on fight or flight?

Going from working for 3 days up to 4 days means that you are shifting from not working for the majority of the week to working the majority of the week (hope that makes sense).

Adjusting to that will take time. You need to reassess your priorities and work out how to fit in what matters. If it’s important for you to have the uniform ironed, then schedule it. Ditto with how often you hoover. We always make sure it is nice at the weekend or if anyone is coming round (rare in the week) but, for us, it really matter if the floor needs hoovering on a Tuesday night!

I would give yourself a good six months – get through this summer and then back into a routine afterwards. If it really doesn’t work after that you can reassess.

This doesn't make sense. You are working 4 days. So have 3 off. Even with sn appointments on that day off, you should have plenty of time. Plus your dc are in kids club 7.30 till 5.30 - that is a long day for them, 5 days. And you can't cook a lasagne, or have a bath bomb? That sounds odd. You have plenty of time, you just aren't using it well. Don't Throw the kids uniform in a pile and then iron it every morning for starters, you must stop that. Sit down and make some lists, dinners for starters. You can fix this.

Get a cleaner, all snacks eaten at kitchen table.

You need to lower your standards for one. You don't have as much time to spend at home, so you need to do less at home.

You also need to get DH on board with doing more. It sounds like he's always been used to you being there to do it all. MN will tell you that you shouldn't need to, but generally I find it's worked for us by me saying to DH he needs to do XY and Z. He irons all the school uniforms on his days off in the week and I have no qualms about giving him a list.

You mentioned DH works shifts. Is he always off at weekends or does he have different days off? If he is off at different days to you, you definitely need to be giving him a list of stuff to be doing. This is also very un MN, but DH has 3 days off, two in the week. I have two days off at weekends. So I never have a child free day off while DH has 2. So DH does the bulk of housework on the child free days off when it's quicker and easier.

What do you do on weekends? Because you also have to lower your expectations about what you can do on the weekend. When I was part time, weekends could be all about fun days out etc because I didn't need to 'catch up' with housework etc. Now after working full time I need a break and to catch up on some stuff as well. So on Saturdays when DH is in work, we tend to stay at home. I'll do some bits of housework, get the online shop in, do some batch cooking etc and potter about while the kids play in the garden and I do let them binge on the Nintendo as well! Then we might go out for a walk to the park or something. But nothing where I'm left feeling frazzled at the end of the day. My 9YO is autistic and he also likes being at home. Ive found it helps him to decompress after all week in school. Sundays are then family time when we do the big days out etc.

It is hard OP. I struggled going from part time to full time. But I will also say that the job itself makes a huge difference. When I went back FT, the job was horrendous. It took me about a year to realise it wasn't just being FT. It was that the job was ridiculously stressful. I changed positions after two years and have found it much less stressful.

You husband needs to up his game. Mine empties the dishwasher every morning while I’m in the shower and cooks all evening meals. He does his own ironing - not much, but he does it. He does some of the cleaning- I do most, sort the shopping out and mostly put the laundry on. We both do some gardening- but not much gets done there as I’m working full time. When I step back to four days soon I’ll do more.
Tell him what he needs to do and if he doesn’t do it, pull back on doing things for him.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you in a very similar job. It hard work and yes my standards have dropped massively, husband helps out, we have a cleaner weekly and out source ironing occasionally to just have some free time. As the kids get older it will become easier. Well done in your success.

Yes, in a word.

You can do things like drop your standards, freeze meals etc but aside from that there are only so many hours in a day.
I went from 18.5 hrs a week to 50. We don’t sit down until around 9pm and we’re up at 6/7 ish. It’s hard! You do get used to it eventually.

I bought a eufy robotic hoover. I still use my normal dyson upright hoover aswell, at the weekend- they both pick up different dirt! I put eufy on twice a week. Fabulous!

Buy a robot vacuum cleaner & slow cooker so you can have home cooked meals and it'll make your life easier.

M&S non iron uniforms, lightly iron them straight out of the washing machine & dry on hangers.

Put washing on a timer to come on early so it's ready to hang out before you leave work. Or on a timer to finish at 6pm so it's ready to hang out in the evenings as it's still light.

Your husband must clean the bathroom after each time he uses it.

Get the kids to clear away their toys, clothes & books etc after they use them.

Each member of the family must be given jobs to do otherwise you will crash.

Cook double portions & freeze the spare meal for another day. Noodles and stir fry rice are quick alternatives to pasta or mediterranean style one pot chicken & veg with wraps & salad.

You don't need to make lasagne from scratch for a start. But it is really hard being a working mum.

You don’t work full time, your children are school age, and you have the kids in wraparound on your day off. I think you have more free time than the average working parent. Loads of families would kill to have that kind of free time - households where there are two FT working parents, single parent families where working PT isn’t an option, households with nursery age children where any day off from work is spent doing childcare. Even people who work par

I think you need to take a long hard look at how you use your time. Most working parents would laugh in your face at the idea of spending 2-3 hours ironing school uniform every Sunday.

Sorry the end of the second paragraph should have said ‘even people who work part time with school age children tend not to use wraparound on their days off in my experience’.

There's some good advice already on this thread and practical ideas.
However I would like to point out that from the thread title I was not expecting "my work tires me out I feel I have no energy to ........IRON!" The title says you feel like you're not "living".
I would encourage you to take all the practical advice and suggestions, but any extra time or energy it gains you, please don't spend it ironing or doing similar chores. Noone looks back and wishes they had ironed more. Spend it doing something that could be considered "living", I.e. doing an activity with your kids or husband or indulging in something you enjoy like reading/exercising

www.hellowonderful.co/post/12-quick-and-tasty-kid-friendly-one-pot-meals/

How about you use that first extra pay check to buy a few things that will make your life easier - say a robot hoover, one of those new pressure cooker things (I can’t remember what they are called but loads of people rave about them!) and a steam iron?

I don't have kids but we both work very long hours and don't have much time for house stuff. So my top tips are:
-Get a robo hoover or at very least a cordless stick that's easy to whip out and clean up crumbs in less than a minute
-Grocery deliveries - spend half an hour setting up an account and saving all your regulars which you can just amend the night before
-include easy dinners and easy tray bake chuck in the oven type things such as those frozen fish fillets in sauce with loads of veg - they're very nice

• on your last day off I'd spend half an hour boiling some pasta and dicing some veg for meals the next 2 working days
• Your husband needs to do more. It's not 'helping' - it's his responsibility too.

@MiniPiccolo omfg, why has no one told me about steam presses before?!!!!

I do loads of sewing too, it is a total game changer!

I agree with PPs that it's normal to be shattered when you start a new job. It does wear off . Get a robovac. Give it to your husband to set up and operate it. If you're doing all the childcare and food,it would be fair if he did all the cleaning and laundry. Timetable your day. Food prep,laundry and cleaning happens before you go out in the morning or in the ten minutes as soon as you get in at night - before you sit down or take your coat off. Nobody looks back on their life and wishes they'd spent more time ironing. Two different evening meals - one for kids and one for you and husband? You're verging into living your life as if you're in Downton Abbey with a retinue of domestics. Stop it!

You don't need to iron uniform. Straight into the dryer when it's finished spinning, straight onto hangers out of the dryer.
I would see if you can pull together the cash for a cleaner every fortnight.

Your DH is not “a great husband a father” if he is happy to sit around watching his exhausted wife run herself ragged.

I'm a single parent op and am looking at going from 4 days a week to 5 so that I can take on the family home on my own. I am a little worried too as my day off is when I get the cleaning/shopping/life admin done (and my day to run without time limits, which helps my mental health).

But my two are older now and will have to be told they need to help more as I am taking on more work to help THEM.

I also stopped ironing uniform a while ago, unless it really needs it (I dry outside mostly and try and hang it so that is doesn't crease too much. Once they are wearing it, no-one can really tell anyway and they certainly don't care.

Granted, I work form home so I can get the odd thing done during the working day (washing/dishwasher, etc) but I am also going to have to remind myself that no-one will die if I don't manage to clean the house top to bottom every week.

Stop ironing altogether unless it is a wedding dress or blouse for photo shoot for kids etc. I've never ironed school uniform if you do it like this you don't need to. If you have a washing line get some clothes hanger peg things.

Get some plastic coat hangers. Hang washing up on these straight away - I've got clothes rails like they have in a shop (shop outfitters) on clothes rails and it is dry in ten hours or 24 latest. Different rails for wet/dry clothes - different rails for each person? That's what I have.

Don't cook. I don't mean 'don't eat well' - I mean literally during the summer months you don't want the oven on anyway have tapas style stuff ready and plenty of it. Plenty of fresh fruit. Good wholemeal bread makes a big difference. Tomatoes. Small potatoes. Good dips/humours. Tins of good soup if you need something hot. Hard boiled eggs. . Smoothies. Grazing is the way to go you can tell kids they can assemble their plates themselves.

Rice/pasta salad. Yes to cooked chicken on a plate ditto.

I would say you are doing amazingly but please be careful. If you get to the point of burn out it is very difficult to wind it back honestly.

I think as a single parent like me you get used to doing things in the most efficient way possible but burn out is a danger for all of us and it is going to be a tough year ahead by the looks for it, if not a couple of years so please pace yourself!

Yes, husband is the weakest link as others have said. I don't put up with that from my teenager and she is nearly seventeen! She purports to be clever but then when she asks me what to do in the house I'm cross - any fool can see what needs doing!

Unless you are going to give him a chores list every week, which is beyond ridiculous for a grown adult - but then I'm glad I don't have a partner - negotiating that I can do without!

Peanut butter always on hand (wholemeal if possible they will get used to it!) . Bananas/Marmite.

Even Bircher muesli is not difficult rolled oats plus milk in fridge for you, grated apply or frozen fruit on top in the morning.

I find all this easier than meal planning and when it comes to winter soups/stews. (and wholemeal bread). They won't starve and when someone does the shop I know prices are going up but if you look out for the deals and buy more of that there is always an offer going.

This is why people who work long hours end up outsourcing to cleaner etc.

It will take adjusting to and all new jobs are exhausting at first.

Could you fit in a walk with your friends early on your day off? Then you see them, get a bit of exercise but still basically have the whole day left.

A slow cooker is very useful. Chuck a few things in it at night and turn on before work.

Or we do double up cooking so something like cottage pie we will cook on Sunday and then eat it Monday and Tuesday when we have our busiest days. Just change it up a bit with veg and accompaniments.

I am also in the don't iron camp. I got rid of my wash basket. It comes off the line and is hung up or folded straight away. Saves ever having a mountain you can't face and it doesn't need ironed if you look after it and don't crease it chucking it in the basket!

Other recommendations are a battery operated hoover. We have a g tech. Not cheap but takes two minutes and is so much less hassle. Get it out for dinner crumbs but end up whipping round half of downstairs as may as well