DM making our dcs fat

[Jennybeans401]

Both me and dh have jobs where we work antisocial hours. We don't have many childcare options so dm stepped in to help and this has been ongoing over a few years. She's obsessed with overfeeding the dcs, we've tried talking to her kindly and then had sterner words. Nothing seems to work with her!

Eldest dd has gained a lot of weight and despite mine and dh best efforts (healthy eating at home, lots of exercise, etc) is eating too much at my dm. We have provided fruit, healthy snacks but dm buys doughnuts and sugary cakes. This evening we said they could have a treat after school then fruit after dinner. Instead dm has given them two doughnuts each and an adult size dinner.

AIBU to think it's worth reducing our working hours so we don't need the childcare?

There is an excellent podcast called A Thorough Examination on BBC Sounds by identical twin doctors Chris and Xand ( of Operation Ouch fame) one of whom over eats and one who doesn’t. It’s all about ultra processed foods and how damaging they are to our eating patterns, how addictive they are, how they change reward pathways in our brain . Might be worth asking her to listen to it and discuss again afterwards. It’s engagingly presented but quite hard hitting and it makes giving a child a doughnut as an act of love ( which is what she is doing) seem completely bonkers.

I would give her one final chance. Would say we have spoken about this, if you cannot support a healthy childhood for the kids then you will have to seek other childcare/reduce hours and she won't have them alone. If she doesn't then change then follow through.

Yes, your DM is overfeeding despite your repeated requests so she cannot be the childminder.

Personally I think overfeeding is as abusive as underfeeding. You should tell her exactly why and you should take steps to ensure she can't feed them crap in the future.

It may come down to NC with her, cos I can imagine she'll try and sneak foods to them.

It’s not good BUT she’s doing you a massive favour.

Pay for your childcare.

Yes, you need to step in if she won’t listen.

Hoe many times a week and how many meals are they feeding your dc?

Were you big as a dc op?
Yesterday I was sat next to a dgm who fed her very young dgc constantly the 2 hours of sports day.
The dc's dm kept ushering her dh to chase after their dc as she is physically unable to due to her size.... Some people just can't see the ramifications of their actions..
Suggest you will be using proper childcare now. She isn't a great dgm is she?

Thanks, we've had many chats with her about it and she insists she won't do it again then after a week or so she goes back to overriding our decisions and overfeeding the dcs.

We've just looked at our schedules and dh can't really reduce his without losing a lot in pay. Although it will mean being stricter with our budget I might be able to work just three evenings and nights instead of five but it's still not ideal.

I feel like it's bad thar she keeps disrespecting our parenting decisions too. It's very frustrating.

How old are they?

Yes noth me and my 2 dsis were fat until we could make our own minds up about the food and in our teens learned how to be healthier. Dm often piled food on our plates.

We have no other childcare options and it would be too expensive to get a childminder.

Both dcs in primary school and my eldest getting very plump.

You can’t trust her so stop using her. Your hours, both of you, aren’t sustainable without suitable childcare, so you’ve got no option. I think she’s being awful but she’s doing more nights a week than you are by the sounds of things so between you you’ll have to be around enough to look after your children.

Some people can't deviate from the I Love You So Have A Cake theory can they?
Real shame op but saving your dc from their own dgm really is for the best for them.

Yes, please step in.

I loved my granny. My parents couldn't afford other childcare for me after school.

But fucking hell It took me years as an adult to undo the level of eating she made me think of was normal.

My mum was and still is (given half a chance) a feeder. She fed others to hide her eating disorder.

It's a shame as she's obviously fond of your DC to be willing to spend so much time with them, but you have to do what's best for your DC. Allowing them to become overweight at such a young age will have a long-term impact for them.

I think cutting down the amount of time she looks after them is a good start. Given that the summer holidays are approaching and depending on when she has them, could you also suggest non-food related 'treats' that she might do with them - so soft play, trampolining, splash parks, adventure playgrounds etc.? That might be tough if she just has them evenings/nights though. Or cooking together - making pizza, baking and decorating cupcakes etc. They'd still be getting the calories from whatever they make together, but it's better than handing them pizza/cake in front of the TV. It sounds like she's made an unhealthy link in her mind between her love for her grandchildren and treating them with unhealthy food, rather than doing things with them.

My DGM did this. When you’re a child you don’t recognize that it isn’t healthy or right to be given 4 Crunchie bars in a row. My DM tried to stop her but really not hard enough.

Treats are fine but continual stuffing is not, even when it comes from a place of love. You’ll have to put your foot down. It really has affected me all my life.

DM is a bit overweight and unfit herself so has never taken the dcs out on her own. I have asked her to take the dcs to the park before now but this is too much effort. Often dcs are watching TV but also playing/colouring at her house.

Do you have a softplay near you where she could take them and have a coffee while they run around by themselves? This is my zero effort afternoon out.

When do you see your kids? If they're at school when you're off, then at your mum's when you and your husband are working, when do they see their parents?

The childcare situatuon clearly isn't working. You and your husband have your idea on how you want to raise them, and it's the right idea, so you're going to have to sort something out so that you know, you're the ones raising them instead of your mum.

Could you send packed foods/after school wrap.? more work/shopping/prep for you but hey free childcare

It is hard and obviously there's a loving relationship there but you can't let it go on to the detriment of your children's physical or mental health

I usually work four nights a week (sometimes 5 depending on the rota). Dh is in NHS and works most nights. I usually have quality time witb the dcs Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday. Dh tries to get time off whenever possible.

I also only work term time so have the school holidays with the dcs.

We really need the money from my income at the moment but I will try to reduce the number of hours I'm working.

You need to find alternative care.

If you've broached this with your mum and she ignores you then you need to act.

Easier said than done , I know, but what is the alternative?

OP please remove your children from her care.
She isn’t listening to you,
clearly she wants to do what’s he wants to do irrespective as to your wishes or her DGC health.

This is no joking matter, childhood obesity is a massive problem and your children will develop unhealthy tastes and habits which aren’t easy to break, and knowingly leaving them in her care under these circumstances means you are directly facilitating their future problems.

How firm with her have you been?

We've been very firm with her even to the point of arguing over it. Her argument is that me and dh are being 'picky' and ghat this is no big deal. Then she promises to do things our way but later goes back to doing what she wants. She then gets angry that we are trying to make better choices for the dcs.

It's like a vicious circle.