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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM making our dcs fat

56 replies

Jennybeans401 · 07/07/2022 20:07

Both me and dh have jobs where we work antisocial hours. We don't have many childcare options so dm stepped in to help and this has been ongoing over a few years. She's obsessed with overfeeding the dcs, we've tried talking to her kindly and then had sterner words. Nothing seems to work with her!

Eldest dd has gained a lot of weight and despite mine and dh best efforts (healthy eating at home, lots of exercise, etc) is eating too much at my dm. We have provided fruit, healthy snacks but dm buys doughnuts and sugary cakes. This evening we said they could have a treat after school then fruit after dinner. Instead dm has given them two doughnuts each and an adult size dinner.

AIBU to think it's worth reducing our working hours so we don't need the childcare?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 07/07/2022 21:38

Jennybeans401 · 07/07/2022 21:30

I usually work four nights a week (sometimes 5 depending on the rota). Dh is in NHS and works most nights. I usually have quality time witb the dcs Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday. Dh tries to get time off whenever possible.

I also only work term time so have the school holidays with the dcs.

We really need the money from my income at the moment but I will try to reduce the number of hours I'm working.

She obviously loves the children, but sees treats as a way to demonstrate her love. I can see you've tried to educate her on the damage she is doing.

The summer hols will be a perfect opportunity to break the habit. Lots of outings, activity, exercise and healthy eating.

Take DM out with you and the kids for the odd picnic. Let her see what you consider to be healthy eating. But try to role model food eating with your DC. So they develop your eating habits rather than the ones they're shown at gran's.

Look at childcare or work options for September. Tell your DM you're doing this and that it's because you're getting worried about the DC's health and don't want her to feel responsible for them as she's obviously finding it tricky to stick with your boundaries.

CrispieCake · 07/07/2022 21:43

Unfortunately I think you need to cut her time with your DC right down. You just can't trust her to do what's best for them and she's obviously blind to the issue.

I'm assuming you've tried being very, very blunt with her. Along the lines of "DM, can't you see that our kids are fatter than their friends and other children around them? If we don't do something, this will just get worse and cause health problems in the future. We need to take action to prevent this."

Bonjovispjs · 07/07/2022 21:54

You'll be setting them up for a lifetime of unhealthy eating habits and struggles with their weight if you leave them with her, nothing is worth that.

MiseryWIthAStent · 07/07/2022 21:56

My MIL was like this, we had to stop one on one time which makes me sad, she loves the children, they love her but she can't do anything in moderation, then we found out she had been lying about what they were having and they were having even more. MIL is lovely but didn't have much of a hand in raising her own children by her own admission they spent 6 nights out of 7 with their grandma, whom DP says was able to say no more to junk. MIL had very uncontrolled type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, only about 5 teeth of her own left, a bmi of 40, can't walk more than 10 minutes and high cholesterol. The drs keep begging her to lose weight, she's only in her 60's but she just doesn't want to, which is her choice but it's mine and DP's choice not to let the kids spend more time with her alone.

SarahSissions · 07/07/2022 21:59

I think you need to cut your hours or pay for child care. She is going you a massive favour by looking after them for free, are you sure your kids aren’t mithering or nagging for treats so she’s just giving them for a quiet life? I’m not sure it’s really fair to give her a hard time-she’s done the raising kids bit, is working hard now to help you out- if you don’t like her style then pay for care

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 07/07/2022 22:00

It was only yesterday that I sat her down and tried to explain that the dcs were very tight in their uniforms and clearly gaining weight. Dd is also being teased by her classmates about her size.

I have never wanted the situation to be like this but our finances have made it this way. I will have to rethink everything.

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 07/07/2022 22:06

It's tricky but I think that f you aren't happy with the care your dm gives then you need to alter your work patterns or pay for childcare. I'm the dgm here and I abide by dd's wishes with regards to dgs. I like to cook and bake so generally on the days I have him he eats his main meal with me and gets fruit and yoghurt for pudding. He loves my cakes but the rule is that I make the cake of his choice for Saturday when he comes with dd and he gets a piece then and a piece to take home for Sunday but outside of that there are no treats or sweets here because dd wouldn't like it. As a dgm I think it's really poor of your dm not to listen to your views on what's acceptable for your children though.

Original poster
Jennybeans401 · 07/07/2022 22:09

@hiredandsqueak I think you sound like a great dgm, I really wish my dm would respect our parenting decisions. These problems are not just limited to food, she sometimes makes comments about other things we do as parents (sometimes in front of the dcs).

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 07/07/2022 22:14

@Jennybeans401 the other stuff isn't a problem here because I'm more strict than dd is but dgs, even at three, knows very well that Granny's house has different rules to Mama's and so I have no reason to comment on anything dd does differently because dgs just adapts between the two houses.

CiderJolly · 07/07/2022 22:15

At the end of the day you and the kids’ dad are responsible for your kids, weight included.

You don’t get to use someone for so much childcare and then blame them for your kids’ weight. You have a choice and your mum is doing you both a huge favour.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 07/07/2022 22:36

I voted YABU because you've realised what's going on, you've acknowledged that she hasn't and probably won't change, and you're still not looking for alternative arrangements.

I was a fat kid and now I'm a fat adult and I wished someone had stepped in and sorted my diet out but my mum also worked antisocial hours as a single parent and my grandparents house was an all you can eat buffet.

You can't make your mother change her behaviour but you can change your childcare. And you should.

Thepossibility · 07/07/2022 22:46

Both my mum and MIL do this, this is why they have the kids only occasionally. It's how they show their love I think. They don't ever want to say no to the kids. Funny they didn't do that when we were kids.

Thepossibility · 07/07/2022 22:51

And if you really have to use her I would make up snack boxes with healthy snacks for the kids and tell her they only snack from them. That way it's very clear and she or the kids don't need to choose what snacks the kids have, leading to them choosing doughnuts over fruit for example. Tell the kids and your mum that you only want them eating from these snack boxes.

Sometimeswinning · 07/07/2022 22:54

How many hours childcare does your dm give you and dh?

You're blurring the lines between childcare and family. She obviously wont/can't change what she does and there is nothing you can do about that. Pay for childcare. Get a job with better hours. Tax free childcare does help a bit.

When you get through all the advice, ideas, reasons why and why not. They are your children. Your responsibility.

Tigofigo · 07/07/2022 23:00

If your DM was unable to have them, what would you do then?

Whatever your answer, that's what you have to do.

That's the reality for many families who don't have GP to help out.

In our case we've had to adjust our expectations for what our lives look like and what jobs we have. Luckily we're above the breadline.

OppsUpsSide · 07/07/2022 23:04

Are you sure that’s all it is? I only ask because my DM has done all my childcare since I went back from ML and she has always treated DC, snacks on pick up/getting in from school, second breakfasts offered (obvs the ones I have already provided weren’t quite right) dinners and puddings - DC are not overweight.

WhiskerPatrol · 07/07/2022 23:33

Stop making excuses and take responsibility for your own children! NOTHING is more important than their health. Either you or DP or both of you need to change/reduce your working hours.

StClare101 · 07/07/2022 23:40

You spend quality time with your kids on the weekends? That’s nice….
You need to be thinking about the bigger picture. One of you needs a job with daytime hours. Your MIL is raising your kids!

SugarNspices · 08/07/2022 00:02

Is your mum helped with food and cooking? Maybe I would give mum some healthy food and batch cook some healthy meals for your mum to put in the freezer and give the kids. Give her healthy snacks in the week but I'd tell mum she can do one treat day and choose the same day. If she won't listen you have to find other child care or another job. Childcare is rarely free you are paying with your children's health ATM.

justforthisnow · 08/07/2022 00:17

Take full responibility for your children, amd pay for childcare. Then you can decide what they can and can't eat.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 08/07/2022 00:29

Send food, not just snacks but actual meals. My MIL was like this until the kids were sent to her with lunchboxes. I also realised quickly that the only childcare that you get to dictate is the kind that you pay for. The whole set up doesn’t seem to be working for you.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2022 00:38

Change your work situation and pay for child care. It's not worth ruining your children's health for free childcare.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 08/07/2022 00:39

One of you needs to change your job. Your dc need to be going to after school club or be picked up by you or their dad. If your dh is the higher earner, is it possible for you to switch job and do daytime hours?

butterflyflutterby123 · 08/07/2022 00:55

Leave and leave now.

Don't let your kids have weight and health problems For years bc of your mom's behaviour. Can't she see what damage she it doing?

Coyoacan · 08/07/2022 01:28

I'm so sorry about this OP but you just can't let your children be fed so much junk food, the will pay with their health.