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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that if you invite children out then you should make allowances for them?

71 replies

ARatherAwkwardOuting · 07/07/2022 19:25

I went out today with two friends. One, Sophie, has a 2 year old son and a 10 month old daughter and Emma and I don't have any children yet. Sophie said that she couldn't make it as she had no childcare but Emma said it was fine to bring them.

Emma then spent most of the time making it evident that she wasn't thrilled that the kids were there. They were a bit whingy but they're very young and too warm I think. Emma didn't help by wanting to continue shopping when Sophie said that the kids were hungry and could they go to lunch soon as the snacks weren't enough.

Eventually she grudgingly agreed and chose a cafe that's tiny and definitely not child friendly. Sophie asked if they could go instead to one just a little further away and though Emma wasn't pleased she agreed. She then wanted to linger for ages in the cafe when the kids were getting very restless again in spite of our attempts to entertain them. Sophie ended up leaving early as the sighing and tutting was making it clear that Emma wasn't happy with the kids being there.

The question is, who was unreasonable if anyone? I'm neither party btw but I felt very awkward today when caught in the middle.

OP posts:
SheepingStandingUp · 08/07/2022 11:16

I think a 2 yo and baby is fine for a walk round the shops and lunch so long as everyone compromises and makes an effort to entertain the kids.

If you're deliberately picking tiny artisan eateries you're just being a cow

Op really should have pulled her friend aside and said you're being rude,

ImustLearn2Cook · 08/07/2022 11:55

Agree Emma was a rude, immature, bully. And if her tut tutting and making it obvious that she wasn’t pleased affected you and Sophie, then how much did it affect the young children. They might have behaved differently if there wasn’t such a strong negative vibe and tension.

And where does she get off being the one dictating what cafe you all eat at or which shops are acceptable to look in? What an absolute cow.

I wouldn’t want a “friend” like that whether I had children or not.

abblie · 08/07/2022 11:57

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 07/07/2022 19:28

Sophie shouldn't have brought her son, even though Emma said it was fine Sophie should know it's not fine. It would be one thing if you are planning the park but shopping and coffee, won't work with a 2 year old.

WOW

Daftasabroom · 08/07/2022 12:01

Both wrong, daft to even contemplate it might work.

EltonsSpareGlasses · 08/07/2022 12:08

Daftasabroom · 08/07/2022 12:01

Both wrong, daft to even contemplate it might work.

Agreed

MercurialMonday · 08/07/2022 12:09

My IL could be like this when DC were young - they seemed to have forgotten an awful lot of DH childhood- it could be very wearing and did cause tantrums.

Any way it will have been stressful for Sophie - but in these situations you do have to be firm - well we're going for lunch at x now - you can come or we'll met a y - which I think she tried to do.

I'd put in down to Emma not having a bloody clue about kids unless there is more reason to think Emma was being a cow for the sake of it.

riesenrad · 08/07/2022 13:24

But… you’re all friends with Emma so presumably she isn’t an arsehole? Assuming she’s actually a nice person, she sounds really naïve about young children. Probably thought it just meant doing the day as planned but with someone pushing a double buggy

This. There are some ridiculously offensive remarks on this thread. Calling Emma the c word - really?

And some young children would be ok being pushed around all day.

It just didn't work out. Don't dwell and find another solution next time.

Thursday37 · 08/07/2022 13:29

Emma is the person that will be a twat about kids until she has her own, then she will expect everyone else to accommodate them. The sort that has a childfree wedding and then years later kicks up a fuss when she can’t being her little darlings to someone else’s.

But Sophie should know better than to take young children on that sort of outing. I wouldn’t dream of inflicting that on my toddler.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 08/07/2022 13:36

Emma is a rude cunt.
Sophie offered not to go, Emma said it was fine to bring the DC.
Ofcourse parents can take their children out shopping and for lunch, saying otherwise is just ridiculous. I'm not saying it'll be a doddle and the children will have a ball but it's not unreasonable to meet up with friends to go shopping and have lunch out when you have DC.
It may have been her first time in a while having some adult company during the day for all we know, she may have needed it. Emma's behaviour probably made her feel like shit, Emma should apologise.

MichelleScarn · 08/07/2022 13:40

riesenrad · 08/07/2022 13:24

But… you’re all friends with Emma so presumably she isn’t an arsehole? Assuming she’s actually a nice person, she sounds really naïve about young children. Probably thought it just meant doing the day as planned but with someone pushing a double buggy

This. There are some ridiculously offensive remarks on this thread. Calling Emma the c word - really?

And some young children would be ok being pushed around all day.

It just didn't work out. Don't dwell and find another solution next time.

Exactly, although its clear the op has set he thread up to have the Emma is a cunt/bitch/cow posters roll in.
Emma didn't set up the day with the intention of having the children there so no she didn't invite them, just agreed to their DM asking to bring them. And it's sadly amusing that those calling Emma all the above horrendous names seem to think that makes them better people than Emma! Yes @ARatherAwkwardOuting I'd let Emma know you agree with all the cunt/bitch/cow posters and then you don't have to inflict your company on each other again!

Miriam101 · 08/07/2022 13:53

Yeah, to echo PPs: Emma's a dick

DillonPanthersFNL · 08/07/2022 14:01

Sophie shouldn't have gone with no child care and it sounds like a nice day out was ruined with kids tbh, baby friendly cafe, baby shops, must go and do this because babies need it. No doubt she was unable to have a conversation either because babies need attention and the toddler wants to talk drivel

I don't take my kids to a girly day out, it's impossible to have a conversation with them there.

However Emma sounds like an idiot too

MargotChateau · 08/07/2022 14:04

I’m pregnant but in my late thirties and had years of my friends having babies before me (and I’m not good with children!).
however I always made friends feel welcome to bring their children/babies and we would accommodate the children’s needs into our meet ups. This is how mums get left behind in friendship groups, it’s a pity as your friend couldn’t get childcare a child friendly plan wasn’t made so everyone could have a nice time.

LonelyInAutumn · 08/07/2022 14:59

Both wrong. Emma had time to suggest meeting for another day. Sophie could have maybe at least left out going into baby stores or just suggested another date

rainbowmilk · 08/07/2022 15:41

Both wrong. Emma for being rude (anyone who is forthright enough to behave like that is forthright enough to say 'no' when asked if kids can come) and Sophie for being silly enough to ask to bring the kids when presumably she knows better than anyone else there how they're likely to react to the trip.

Speaking as someone who was in Emma's position a lot and said 'yes' to such requests and then regretted it when the only times I ever saw my friends was at soft play or the playground... I want to reach out to the pair of them and tell them they're not friendship-compatible and both need to find a new friend!

SheepingStandingUp · 08/07/2022 16:35

LonelyInAutumn · 08/07/2022 14:59

Both wrong. Emma had time to suggest meeting for another day. Sophie could have maybe at least left out going into baby stores or just suggested another date

Unless there's a known issue with fertility so it's a pain issue, it's Dushanbe in a kids store really so onerous? It's it OK for the others to sulk if Sophie is the only one who wants to go to Primsrk cos the others don't shop there?

SheepingStandingUp · 08/07/2022 16:37

tell them they're not friendship-compatible and both need to find a new friend! this is why so many people end up in here saying they have no friends. One incidence where they were both a bit put out and its a sign they should burn all bridges and never speak again

whumpthereitis · 08/07/2022 17:14

SheepingStandingUp · 08/07/2022 16:35

Unless there's a known issue with fertility so it's a pain issue, it's Dushanbe in a kids store really so onerous? It's it OK for the others to sulk if Sophie is the only one who wants to go to Primsrk cos the others don't shop there?

Show quote history

I don’t think it has to be something do with fertility and pain issues, more like an adult shopping trip was planned and having to accommodate kids can be annoying. I imagine Emma probably thought Sophie would fit the kids around their day, rather than them adjusting to day to centre the kids. She may have been looking forward to eating at the original cafe, for example.

it’s one thing imo if you plan a day with a friend by with kids knowing that you’ll need to accommodate them, and another thing entirely if you’ve preplanned a day you’re looking forward to and it changes into something else.

you don’t have to exclude a friend with children every time, but it’s fair enough not always wanting to accommodate children. Emma’s mistake was saying ‘yes’ and then being passive aggressive about it.

SheepingStandingUp · 08/07/2022 17:20

more like an adult shopping trip was planned and having to accommodate kids can be annoying but you don't go in a kids clothes shop because the kids are with you, you go into one cos you have kids. She's not dragging a 2 yo into a changing room.

Re saying no, I read it that one said can't come I have kids and other said bring them. Which isn't even saying yes under pressure. It's actually suggesting it and then being PA all day.

whumpthereitis · 08/07/2022 21:15

SheepingStandingUp · 08/07/2022 17:20

more like an adult shopping trip was planned and having to accommodate kids can be annoying but you don't go in a kids clothes shop because the kids are with you, you go into one cos you have kids. She's not dragging a 2 yo into a changing room.

Re saying no, I read it that one said can't come I have kids and other said bring them. Which isn't even saying yes under pressure. It's actually suggesting it and then being PA all day.

I’m talking about kids being present on a shopping trip, and having to cut things short to accommodate them. It sounds like Emma got rushed out a store at least once because the kids were acting up. That’s understandable because they’re kids, but I can also understand why Emma got pissed off. I do think Sophie could have left with the kids herself though, I’m not sure why she had to hurry Emma up and have her leave too.

I don’t get why she said yes, either. Even the most well behaved kid is going to change the dynamic, and their presence was clearly not conducive to the day she envisioned having.

MichelleScarn · 08/07/2022 21:17

Did Emma 'suggest' it or was it heavily hint dropped?

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