Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that if you invite children out then you should make allowances for them?

71 replies

ARatherAwkwardOuting · 07/07/2022 19:25

I went out today with two friends. One, Sophie, has a 2 year old son and a 10 month old daughter and Emma and I don't have any children yet. Sophie said that she couldn't make it as she had no childcare but Emma said it was fine to bring them.

Emma then spent most of the time making it evident that she wasn't thrilled that the kids were there. They were a bit whingy but they're very young and too warm I think. Emma didn't help by wanting to continue shopping when Sophie said that the kids were hungry and could they go to lunch soon as the snacks weren't enough.

Eventually she grudgingly agreed and chose a cafe that's tiny and definitely not child friendly. Sophie asked if they could go instead to one just a little further away and though Emma wasn't pleased she agreed. She then wanted to linger for ages in the cafe when the kids were getting very restless again in spite of our attempts to entertain them. Sophie ended up leaving early as the sighing and tutting was making it clear that Emma wasn't happy with the kids being there.

The question is, who was unreasonable if anyone? I'm neither party btw but I felt very awkward today when caught in the middle.

OP posts:
Gossipxox · 07/07/2022 22:02

To be honest I actually think Emma was being a total bitch and I would be surprised if Sophie isn’t upset by the way she has gone on. Having young children is hard work and Emma was the one who told her to bring the kids along why complain?

I mean surely when you don’t have children but still socially see a friend and their children, you kind of know what to expect.. kids will play up, need fed etc. Yes shopping may not have been ideal but for Sophie to want to go into a baby store and look at kids things and Emma twisting about it.

Sophie doesn’t need Emma as a friend. And if I was you OP I’d check in on Sophie and maybe mention to Emma about her behaviour cos I think she’s been awkward and prickly for no reason.

Arenanewbie · 07/07/2022 22:20

Sophie probably knew taking kids wasn’t a great idea but it might have been her only chance for adult company.
This^

Emma was rude and unkind. She said that Sophie could come with children. Yes, she probably wasn’t aware how it could be with small children but it wasn’t her last chance of shopping and having coffee. She could be more patient and understanding. How old is she, 18?
I wouldn’t blame Sophie because small children could behave nicely 15 mornings in a row and then became the absolute battle on the 16th. Maybe she thought that she’s got enough snacks but on this particular occasion it’s enough and so on and so on. And she offered to give this meeting a miss.

Apollonia1 · 07/07/2022 23:23

Why did you all have to stick together all day?

If I were Sophie, and my kids were starting to grizzle that they were hungry, I'd suggest that I take them for something to eat and meet you and Emma later.

Similarly, if you were all having a long lunch, and the kids were getting bored, I'd head off with them, and arrange to meet you later when you'd finished lunch.

CelestiaNoctis · 08/07/2022 02:00

Emma sounds like an absolute c*nt. Why weren't you helping Sophie properly? Is she your friend or not? This is why when you become a mum you end up lonely and have to go to baby groups to find friends because all your old friends are like Emma, selfish and rude. Little kids and babies are humans too, you know?

Merryoldgoat · 08/07/2022 02:30

I don’t know why Sophie is getting a hard time from some folks above, why can kids not be taken round shops and to a café - that’s crazy!

Of course they can, but not on those terms when the expectation is you shop together and aren’t focused on their needs.

I regularly take my boys for a specific trip and then have food in a cafe etc but it’s cantered on them in a way a shopping trip with friends can’t be.

MsTSwift · 08/07/2022 03:17

I felt stressed reading that. That dynamic was never going to work. Perfectly encapsulates why most women pal up with other women in the same boat. How much happier Sophie would have been in a cafe in a park with another mum with similar aged kids herself.

Agree Emma was unkind though. What did she think a trip out with such tiny children was going to be like ?🙄

Fulbe · 08/07/2022 03:21

Emma was being unreasonable. She said kids could come. Maybe she didn't realise beforehand that means that you have to do things on their schedule but should have realised when they became whiny and been kind to her friend and offspring. This is why some friendships break up when you have kids. If you have to book a babysitter just to see some friends it doesn't seem worth it.

TBH shopping as an 'activity' to do with friends IS boring, so the children ANBU.

Next time, step in and ask Sophie what time is best for her and where (e.g. a pub with a garden with play equipment).

Sceptre86 · 08/07/2022 07:09

Emma is a cow. I would have said no to the offer when mine were that age as I would have needed to focus on them and having an uninterrupted conversation would have been difficult.

As for going shopping in general with young children, I do that all the time but I make sure to give my kids lunch on time, go to child friendly places so a food hall rather than a small cafe where I couldn't get my pram around easily. Parents are capable of going out shopping with young kids, I just wouldn't go with friends as I do need to take care of the kids at the same time.

At least Sophie knows not to bother next time and if I was her I'd be phoning Emma and telling her that her behaviour was worse than the kids and dropping this friendship.

FourTeaFallOut · 08/07/2022 07:23

It just sounds like a shit day all round, instead of dwelling on it and apportioning the right amount of blame to each party, just make sure you have a good go-to excuse to dodge the whole sorry mess if someone suggests it again.

MarianosOnHisWay · 08/07/2022 07:28

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 07/07/2022 19:28

Sophie shouldn't have brought her son, even though Emma said it was fine Sophie should know it's not fine. It would be one thing if you are planning the park but shopping and coffee, won't work with a 2 year old.

What should she have done, left him on the doorstep with a packet of crisps and hope for the best?

glittereyelash · 08/07/2022 07:44

It's one of those things you don't know how hard it is to bring children places until you have your own. All my trips out ended up with me chasing or placating my son until I decided I'd just go alone so I could have a proper catch up. If your meeting someone with kids it needs to be a park or soft play or it just doesn't work.

Harridance · 08/07/2022 07:47

Probably better to have postponed until chikdcare could be arranged.

Keladrythesaviour · 08/07/2022 07:50

Apollonia1 · 07/07/2022 23:23

Why did you all have to stick together all day?

If I were Sophie, and my kids were starting to grizzle that they were hungry, I'd suggest that I take them for something to eat and meet you and Emma later.

Similarly, if you were all having a long lunch, and the kids were getting bored, I'd head off with them, and arrange to meet you later when you'd finished lunch.

This.
Emma was unbearably rude and I'd have struggled not to say something at the time. But I dont know why, given how rude Emma was, Sophie didn't cut her losses.

GoldenSongbird · 08/07/2022 08:26

I don't understand why you and Sophie let Emma dictate when you could all eat lunch and where it should be. Emma was being a bitch. Sophie was frazzled. You were ineffective in your support for Sophie and DC.
When my DC were small, one of my most joyless experiences was having lunch with a friend who hated my DC. They didn't engage with them. They acted as though they were an inconvenience, etc. And my DC often went out for lunch so were well-behaved. But the atmosphere was awful.
Call Sophie today and arrange a catch up at the park, her home, somewhere she likes taking DC. Also check in with Emma to see why she was being difficult. Perhaps she is having relationship or fertility struggles.

MsTSwift · 08/07/2022 09:19

Emma will cringe if she eventually had a baby of her own…

CrispieCake · 08/07/2022 10:19

Being kind to Emma, if she doesn't have much experience of young children, she might not have realised the impact they would have on her day out. Having said that, when it became apparent, why didn't she just cut her losses and say, "Let's grab a takeaway coffee and take the children to the nearest playground"?

I remember pre-DC going out with a friend with two young children and being amazed at how much work they were. Having said that, I wouldn't have dreamt of making my friend feel bad but instead tried my best to wrestle her toddler into my lap when he started running laps of the restaurant and climbing on the cake counter while she was changing the baby. It was an education 😂! Apparently, "please come down. You might hurt yourself, sweetheart, and the restaurant people are getting upset" doesn't work on a 2 year old. Next time we met at her house.

Whether or not Sophie is to blame depends on how the invitation from Emma was phrased. If the tone was, "Oh I suppose you can bring your kids if there's no other option", I would have said sorry, I can't make this one. If it was, "No worries, bring the kids, will be nice to see them", then I would have assumed that the friend was happy for the children to come and would make allowances for them.

MajorCarolDanvers · 08/07/2022 10:23

Emma is.

Testina · 08/07/2022 10:28

Emma was rude to show her annoyance, given that she did say to bring them.

But… you’re all friends with Emma so presumably she isn’t an arsehole? Assuming she’s actually a nice person, she sounds really naïve about young children. Probably thought it just meant doing the day as planned but with someone pushing a double buggy.

I don’t think Sophie helped here. She’s the experienced parent. Why didn’t she have enough food with her? Why didn’t she anticipate that it would be a massive pita and suggest she just meet you for the morning then split off at lunchtime. Emma’s naïve to think it was a good idea, what’s Sophie’s excuse?!

It does sound like you could have got off the fence and been more help too.,

rnsaslkih · 08/07/2022 10:31

Emma is nasty. She said one thing and then did another. She acted like a bully with her tutting. If I was Sophie, I’d never bother with Emma again.

a 2yo and a baby is hard bloody work - I’m 15 years on from that shit and I still remember how bloody difficult everything was. I don’t really like to be around toddlers and babies now because I find them difficult, loud, tiring etc but having agreed to meet up with them, Emma behaved like a total bitch.

kewgirl · 08/07/2022 10:31

I would never have inflicted my 2 yr old on other people on a day out

5128gap · 08/07/2022 10:36

Both in the wrong. Sophie knows the reality of having the children around, Emma doesn't, so Sophie should have stuck to her guns and not gone. She would have known the day would be compromised for both the adults and children.
Emma was very rude. I get that her day was spoiled in ways that not having children herself she probably didn't anticipate, but social convention says you suck that up and don't make other people uncomfortable.

ChickinMarango · 08/07/2022 10:37

Emma is a dick to invite then moan passive aggressively the whole time. What Sophie needed was you to stick up for her a bit and put your friend in her place.

I can almost guarantee if Sophie didn’t go home and cry, she at least felt like shit.

Fairislefandango · 08/07/2022 10:44

Emma was definitely a dick. She sounds horrible tbh. But Sophie should have stuck with her original decision not to go. Yes of course you can take children on a shopping trip if you need to (ideally with another parent or grandparent in tow!), but a shopping trip with small children and a relaxed shopping trip with adult friends are completely different trips!

Poptart4 · 08/07/2022 11:11

Emma is a C-U-N-T

I can't stand people who say things they don't mean, like "bring the kids" and then get annoyed because your supposed to be a mind reader and know they didn't mean it 🙄

TBH OP you should have spoken up and told Emma to stop with the passive aggressive bs. Sophie is better off without friends like you two.

SheepingStandingUp · 08/07/2022 11:14

Fairyliz · 07/07/2022 19:47

I think Emma felt pressured to say they could come. You can’t actually say to a mum no I don’t want to see your children even if it’s true.

Nonsense

Oh that's a shame. Let us know a date when you can get childcare and we'll rearrange.

Sorted.

It doesn't stop Grumpy and OP meeting up