To not have told parents about rape ‘jokes’

[NarrationNation]

Changed names for this one and hoping for advice from anyone who’s experienced this with their pre-teens…

have a 12 year old,Year 7, generally a good kid, sporty, does well in school, sociable, polite etc so no concerns usually. We limit screen time and have the usual blocks for content and one condition of his phone is we check it now again.

Checked his phone last night to find rape ‘joke’ screenshots from TikTok on there - cartoon characters joking about rape sent from one of his friends.we read him the riot act, asked him if he knew what rape was etc, to which he said yes, but it was clear that he doesn’t really get how awful it is. He was more concerned that we would contact the other kids parents. Said it was just stupid pics, no-one meant anything by it. He has not sent the memes on to anyone.

we know the other boy in question has a lot more freedom, watching 18 films, playing 18 games, and we don’t know his parents at all although I do have the mums number.

we’ve left it at our boy is to not to download stuff like that, delete anything that comes through, and preferably ( tho peer pressure, right?) tells his mates not to send him anything like that as he’ll get in trouble. We have decided to trust him, and will keep checking his phone.

thing is it’s a day later and I’m still disappointed and furious. He has a little sister too and the casual way they joke about this on grp chats really sickens me. Some other class WA grps have shown lots of sex talk and ‘you’re so gay’ comments but not as bad as this.

AIbU not to tell the other boys’ mum? What would you do??

I think you are taking this all very lightly. What consequences is he facing?

I have a 12 year old. I'd want to know

‘I think you are taking this all very lightly. What consequences is he facing?’

what consequences do you think he should face? He received the cartoons but didn’t do anything with them other than not deleting them.

I'd want to know if my son was saying or sending things like this as its vile and I'd give him a good bollocking. This is what is known as a teachable moment. I'd be educating him about what rape really is and how it affects people. If he wasn't remorseful after that, he would be after a week without his phone.

‘I have a 12 year old. I'd want to know’

So would I, so I could talk to my son about it, but we don’t know the other parents at all. If it was a closer friend whose parents we knew then I would probably flag it to them.

If you don't know the parents you could flag it up to school, so they're aware there's work to be done with that year group and the child may need a safeguarding check.

I'd speak to his head of year at school.

Inappropriate language and jokes can potentially highlight a safeguarding concern.

I’m baffled that you had to ask your 12 yo if he knew what rape was. Surely rape, respect, etc. should have been talked about in age appropriate years for years before this.

I’m a school safeguarding Governor this is how peer on peer sexual abuse / violence starts. It starts way way WAY before anyone thinks it does.

the rape jokes, the memes. “It’s just banter innit”

no it’s not. Its like a poison seeping away, little by little so slowly it desensitises them. At the moment they don’t really understand, but problem is, it starts to happen so often, that don’t actually realise what is happening. They think it’s normal.

You need to cut it off - not shrug it off. They need to know right from the outset that this is not appropriate and won’t be tolerated.

I’m not saying YOU personally are shrugging it off by the way, but it needs to get stopped and a swift intervention early on is the best thing to do. So yes, in this instance, I would tell the other parent.

I'd speak to your son again and show him links like the rape crisis rape myths and the attached picture and talk to him about how someones life changes if they are raped and the possible life long consequences. And that if men don't call it out, they are complicit in this culture.

Its tricky with his friend as your son will probably face the consequences of this even though he hasnt done anything wrong directly and you dont want to create issues for him at school or in his friendship group (I think it would be different if he had joined in with the chat)

I'd maybe flag to the school so that they can have a generic talk with the year group

The boys aren’t in the same school, so I have no contact with safeguarding etc at the other child’s school.

Thanks @DrinkFeckArseBrick - that’s helpful. We don’t want to alienate our kid and have him sneaking around hiding stuff rather than being open because he’s worried we’ll escalate stuff. IF this has been our son actually finding and sending the image around, trust me the consequences for him would be immediate and serious.

If you know what school the other boy goes to, I’d suggest contacting them, telling them that boys from their school are joking about rape in group chats and sharing rape joke pictures, and suggest they talk to their pupils about rape culture and why these ‘jokes’ are so offensive and damaging. I’d also say the same thing to your son’s school.

In my opinion, this is exactly the sort of thing that schools can and should tackle in PHSE lessons.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius perhaps that be an idea though I guess I would have to speak to the parents 1st. This is also the last week of school

This is one of the many reasons why nobody under 18 should have a smartphone /social media

I would tell both the parents and the boy's school. If my son wasn't taking it seriously I might also tell my son's school that these things are cirulating so they can pick up on them as it sounds like your son needs educating too.

If it’s the last week of school, you’ll need to speak to the boy’s school today then.

@NarrationNation if you know the school, go directly, it really doesn’t matter that it’s the end of term, we still want to know. i would be going to the school over the parent as this may be another clue to a safeguarding concern around this child.

and @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius in my school we aim to cover this in PSHE but we have been told by the alpacas authority that we are going above and beyond. We are a non standard provision and very much need to discuss and educate our students!

If you know what school he goes to then just ring his school today. Give them a chance to speak to that year group before the holidays.

Education authority not Alpacas authority.
Althiugh a bunch of alpacas would be more useful I suspect.

‘If you know what school he goes to then just ring his school today. Give them a chance to speak to that year group before the holidays.’

teachers - a non-parent rings your school the day before you break up for summer and days a pupil has sent another child, outside of school, a cartoon with a Toy Story character making a rape joke, - honestly, what would you do?

I'd try and speak to the parents. If your sons school is anything like my sons they won't be interested. My sons school has basically said if anything happens on WhatsApp for example they don't want to know because the minimum age is 16 so they shouldn't be using it anyway
And if anything happens outside of school its not their problem. So be prepared for the school to not give a shit 🤔

@NarrationNation At my provision, with a name we’d either investigate because the student is a concern or we’d have a general chat in PSHE etc about appropriate sharing of content and legality as a “reminder going into the summer break.”

OP - please raise it with school. I went to a school were rape jokes were seen as banter by many people and I'm now having some seriously trauma-related issues from times when they crossed from just being banter to some physical acts occurring and due to a lack of follow up by anyone it's caused long-term harm.

There is absolutely no place for rape jokes amongst young people with developing front lobes.