To not have told parents about rape ‘jokes’

[NarrationNation]

Changed names for this one and hoping for advice from anyone who’s experienced this with their pre-teens…

have a 12 year old,Year 7, generally a good kid, sporty, does well in school, sociable, polite etc so no concerns usually. We limit screen time and have the usual blocks for content and one condition of his phone is we check it now again.

Checked his phone last night to find rape ‘joke’ screenshots from TikTok on there - cartoon characters joking about rape sent from one of his friends.we read him the riot act, asked him if he knew what rape was etc, to which he said yes, but it was clear that he doesn’t really get how awful it is. He was more concerned that we would contact the other kids parents. Said it was just stupid pics, no-one meant anything by it. He has not sent the memes on to anyone.

we know the other boy in question has a lot more freedom, watching 18 films, playing 18 games, and we don’t know his parents at all although I do have the mums number.

we’ve left it at our boy is to not to download stuff like that, delete anything that comes through, and preferably ( tho peer pressure, right?) tells his mates not to send him anything like that as he’ll get in trouble. We have decided to trust him, and will keep checking his phone.

thing is it’s a day later and I’m still disappointed and furious. He has a little sister too and the casual way they joke about this on grp chats really sickens me. Some other class WA grps have shown lots of sex talk and ‘you’re so gay’ comments but not as bad as this.

AIbU not to tell the other boys’ mum? What would you do??

@Dotjones did you not read the post from the Safeguarding lead PP who explained (quite rightly), that this sort of behaviour is a feature of peer-on-peer abuse? That the "banter" can eventually lead to actual physical harm? It might not just be "banter" between children, it might be the result of grooming. A very deliberate strategy to encourage these children to take part in peer-on-peer abuse. And you think it's just a difference of opinion about what's funny? Jesus, what an incredibly ignorant post.

OP at the very least you need to raise this as a safeguarding concern with the relevant schools.

It would be logged in the same way that all safeguarding concerns are logged. It may be appropriate to take some action at that time, or it may not be. It would probably involve at least a conversation with the relevant children. But the important thing is that it is logged, it might not be the only safeguarding concern that has been raised for this child, and everything helps to paint a picture. It might be nothing, it might just be misguided banter, or it might be something. But if it's not reported, noone knows, noone can paint that picture, and that's how child abuse is missed. What seems in isolation like something relatively minor, might be a sign of something more serious. But you OP, as one parent of a friend, can't make that call about what's important information and what's not. That's why everything that is a safeguarding concern should be reported. And this behaviour is a safeguarding concern.

I completely agree with posters who say that this type of 'bantz' gradually escalates, and needs to be stopped now before it escalates further.

In this instance, I would tell the other parent. I would want to know if I was the other parent iykwim, and that's how I'd frame it with them.

Does your ds get much pleasure out of these Whatsapp groups? In my experience, children of this age can't really cope with them. They don't have much to say to each other, so start by sending loads of daft emojis, then it escalates to daft memes and gifs, then offensive memes and gifs etc etc.

When my dd was 12 and desperate to have Whatsapp because her friends did, her phone was locked down to an hour a day. She could ask for and was given more time at the weekends but she wasn't 'on her phone' as a social activity.

She complained about it at the time, but three years later says that she appreciates it. She just didn't have the time to even read most of the unpleasantness and worse, let alone get involved in it.

We were more relaxed with her younger brother, which has resulted in him having him phone taken from him for two months with no chance of him getting it back for a very, very long time.

Sounds as if you think that your son is an innocent angel who couldn't possibly find 'jokes' like these funny. If he didn't find them funny or worth sharing with friends then why were they still on his phone and not deleted?

I understand that he's your son but this is how adult men come to think that this behaviour is acceptable, it begins with jokes like this and escalates.

He needs a firm hard talking down to, to be honest and no phone for a long time. If you want him to save one for safety reasons then an old nokia or burner type phone will do.

‘Sounds as if you think that your son is an innocent angel who couldn't possibly find 'jokes' like these funny.’

nope. Not for one second, but as for why he doesn’t delete them, he doesn’t delete anything.

Are you being deliberately obtuse? You don't make contact with a random teacher. You phone the school and ask to speak to a designated safeguarding lead (these are often a mixture of pastoral staff and teachers) and you pass the information on.

The DSL is legally required to deal with it in line with the school safeguarding policy, doesn't matter what day it is.

Why are you making such a meal about a five minute job? Only reason I can think you are is because you are minimising this, seems clear why your son doesn't understand the severity now.

Rape jokes are not limited to social media.

Yes, I raised an eyebrow about that two @notsureaboutthatreally . It read to me like the OP was implying that, with it being the last day of the school term, that is was a non-parent raising a concern, and that it included cartoons, that the school would therefore not bother to do anything with the information. Which couldn't be further from the truth. There actually isn't much that school staff legally HAVE to do. They aren't going to get prosecuted for failing to plan a lesson, or mark a test, or go to a staff meeting. But they might get prosecuted for failing to follow up a safeguarding concern. There's a very good reason why that's a legal requirement and other things aren't.

This is one of the many reasons why nobody under 18 should have a smartphone /social media

even without it they'd still be exposed to it all in some way or other and I say that as a 90s child who saw/heard it all as a kid.

This is one of the many reasons why nobody under 18 should have a smartphone /social media

Then you’d just end up with a bunch of young adults hitting their first experience of that sort of thing when they have no parental input.