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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not have told parents about rape ‘jokes’

61 replies

NarrationNation · 07/07/2022 13:29

Changed names for this one and hoping for advice from anyone who’s experienced this with their pre-teens…

have a 12 year old,Year 7, generally a good kid, sporty, does well in school, sociable, polite etc so no concerns usually. We limit screen time and have the usual blocks for content and one condition of his phone is we check it now again.

Checked his phone last night to find rape ‘joke’ screenshots from TikTok on there - cartoon characters joking about rape sent from one of his friends.we read him the riot act, asked him if he knew what rape was etc, to which he said yes, but it was clear that he doesn’t really get how awful it is. He was more concerned that we would contact the other kids parents. Said it was just stupid pics, no-one meant anything by it. He has not sent the memes on to anyone.

we know the other boy in question has a lot more freedom, watching 18 films, playing 18 games, and we don’t know his parents at all although I do have the mums number.

we’ve left it at our boy is to not to download stuff like that, delete anything that comes through, and preferably ( tho peer pressure, right?) tells his mates not to send him anything like that as he’ll get in trouble. We have decided to trust him, and will keep checking his phone.

thing is it’s a day later and I’m still disappointed and furious. He has a little sister too and the casual way they joke about this on grp chats really sickens me. Some other class WA grps have shown lots of sex talk and ‘you’re so gay’ comments but not as bad as this.

AIbU not to tell the other boys’ mum? What would you do??

OP posts:
Original poster
NarrationNation · 07/07/2022 14:31

‘There is absolutely no place for rape jokes amongst young people with developing front lobes.’

couldn't agree more

OP posts:
2bazookas · 07/07/2022 14:32

I'd contact the other boys parents and say you have terminated your sons contact with theirs because of their entirely inappropriate fantasies about rape.

I'd tell your son you've done it . If he moans about you being embarrassing, tell him yhat you will continue to exert maximum embarrassment on him and any friends who find rape amusing. Because his silly little boy whining is nothing compared to the real trauma and misery experienced by rape victims.

Original poster
NarrationNation · 07/07/2022 14:37

Be interested to hear from either parents or teachers who have actually dealt with a similar situation

OP posts:
ShahRukhKhan · 07/07/2022 14:45

This happened to my sister's son. His friend sent paedo and rape jokes, youtube vids about how to kidnap etc. She found it on his phone, nephew knew it was wrong but didnt really get it, he is very naive and young for his age (12). I believe she had a strong talking to him and told the parent of the other boy.

SheepingStandingUp · 07/07/2022 14:49

DillyDilly · 07/07/2022 13:44

I’m baffled that you had to ask your 12 yo if he knew what rape was. Surely rape, respect, etc. should have been talked about in age appropriate years for years before this.

Genuine qn fro some one with you children. At what age did you explain to them what rape was if yo u think they should have known about it for years by 11?

KosherDill · 07/07/2022 14:49

NarrationNation · 07/07/2022 13:35

‘I think you are taking this all very lightly. What consequences is he facing?’

what consequences do you think he should face? He received the cartoons but didn’t do anything with them other than not deleting them.

I'd be giving him a break from the phone for starters.

Marsoupial · 07/07/2022 14:51

@SheepingStandingUp without naming it as rape we talked about the inappropriateness of it happening / boundaries / privacy from a very young age.

Rape was probably named to be at age 10.

SheepingStandingUp · 07/07/2022 14:54

Op how does he know this boy? You say they're at different schools and you don't know the family so is it another interest group? Have you actually met hi m and know he's the same age?

SheepingStandingUp · 07/07/2022 14:54

Marsoupial · 07/07/2022 14:51

@SheepingStandingUp without naming it as rape we talked about the inappropriateness of it happening / boundaries / privacy from a very young age.

Rape was probably named to be at age 10.

I struggle to know when as we've not even done what sex is and had zero qns but I do worry about not doing it early enough and doing it too early

JustLyra · 07/07/2022 14:56

NarrationNation · 07/07/2022 14:37

Be interested to hear from either parents or teachers who have actually dealt with a similar situation

My DS14had a group chat that descended into chats about rape and one girl at a local school being named a slut by some boys from his sport group.

He was 11 at the time. He left his phone on the counter (as mine do every night) and sighed over dramatically out of sight, but where he knew I could hear saying “I really hope Mum doesn’t pick tonight to check my phone. X, Y and Z will get in such trouble”.

So I did. I reported it to the two different schools the boys went to, and the sports club they all went to(the group was set up/encouraged by the sport). DS huffed and puffed and complained to his friends that I “always” go through his phone. It got dealt with by the schools without him losing face. We talked about it and he distanced himself from the worst culprits out of schools

When it happened again more recently with another friend he felt able to call them out on it. Rather than accidentally-on-purpose leave it to Mum.

The schools were pleased to have been told and acted on it immediately.

Original poster
NarrationNation · 07/07/2022 14:57

‘I’m baffled that you had to ask your 12 yo if he knew what rape was. Surely rape, respect, etc. should have been talked about in age appropriate years for years before this.’

yes, all that has been covered in school and by us. But there’s knowing and there’s knowing, isn’t there?

OP posts:
Dotjones · 07/07/2022 14:59

I'm surprised that people think someone aged 12 wouldn't know what rape was, a rape is probably featured on the news just about every single day.

I think the OP is being a little harsh on their child, it's not up to her to police his sense of humour. No subject should be off limits for humour, though of course some jokes are in bad taste - but how offensive a joke may be does not necessarily correlate with how funny it is, and anyway not everyone will take offence even from the most offensive material.

Rather than tell her child what is and isn't funny the OP should have a discussion about humour and how what is hilarious to one person is outrageous to another. If the child is telling offensive jokes to a non-appreciative audience then that needs clamping down on, but it's important to allow them to develop their own sense of humour, otherwise they might not develop one at all.

Original poster
NarrationNation · 07/07/2022 15:00

‘Op how does he know this boy? You say they're at different schools and you don't know the family so is it another interest group? Have you actually met hi m and know he's the same age?’

they were at Primary school together but not close. They are now at different schools, but have friends in common so hang out on weekends occasionally, and are on some grp chats together. The boy seems like a nice kid, but IMHO has a lot less boundaries in part due to being the youngest of 4

OP posts:
Original poster
NarrationNation · 07/07/2022 15:06

‘I think the OP is being a little harsh on their child, it's not up to her to police his sense of humour’

justbto clarify, my kid did not seek out, post or respond to the memes HOWEVER rape ‘jokes’ have fuck all to do with ‘sense of humour’ and we have an absolute ZERO tolerance of anything to do with violence, sexual violence, rape, bullying or misogyny in our house. ZERO.
the only reason he still has his phone is because this was sent to him, buried in with half a dozen stupid ( but harmless) memes and he didn’t do anything with it.
I’m veering towards sending it over to the mum though, as I have her number, despite what we told DS. And he’ll have to deal with the fall out in his friends grp.
if anything perhaps it’ll stop the little idiots from sending this kind of thing to him.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 07/07/2022 15:08

I’m veering towards sending it over to the mum though, as I have her number, despite what we told DS. And he’ll have to deal with the fall out in his friends grp.
if anything perhaps it’ll stop the little idiots from sending this kind of thing to him.

I think that would be madness.

all you’ll do with that is discourage openness from your DS as you’ve gone back on your word.

Plus of the parents are as lax as you’ve said it’ll be pointless.

what’s your reluctance to speak to the schools?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/07/2022 15:14

@Dotjones - can you explain what is funny about rape, please? Do you think the violation of women and girls is a funny subject, or a suitable subject for humour, and if so, why?

StaunchMomma · 07/07/2022 15:22

I'd message his parents in a 'just so you know' way & make it clear that it won't be tolerated going forward.

I'd be mortified if mine was doing that I didn't know.

Belephant · 07/07/2022 15:25

Aw @JustLyra it sounds like you've done a great job of raising your son! He clearly appreciates your parenting and knows he can rely on it.

OP I think you should inform his parents and the school. I don't know that they'll do anything, but at least you've done what you can.

SheepingStandingUp · 07/07/2022 15:33

@Dotjones you honestly think it's OK for anyone kids to be find rape, child paedophilia, murder etc funny and to be sharing jokes about it between "like minded" peers?

Original poster
NarrationNation · 07/07/2022 15:49

@Dotjones they’re 12 year old kids, not adults.

OP posts:
UrricanesArdlyHeverAppen · 07/07/2022 16:53

I don’t really understand your reasoning.

When asked what consequences he’s going to face, you say that he only received the messages and didn’t forward them on and you appear reluctant to contact the boy’s parents or his school to inform them, saying it’s too late in the term, you don’t know the parents that well and your son might start hiding stuff from you.

In the next breath you’re talking about the casual way they joke on their group chats and how it sickens you, you have a zero tolerance policy and you’re disappointed and furious.

Your zero tolerance policy sounds pretty tolerant to me.

RainCoffeeBook · 07/07/2022 16:57

You go to the school and the school deal with it, usually by leaving your name out.

You don't just ignore it. Your kid could be cautioned or jailed the next time his friends pass on such material, and he shares it. He doesn't sound mature enough for a phone.

2bazookas · 07/07/2022 17:39

@ Justlyra

Well done. That's a perfect example of how youngsters often WANT to be rescued (by parents) from a scary situation they don't know how to handle.

slpanshudt · 07/07/2022 19:15

You don't need to contact the other boys school, your sons school will follow the correct procedures and contact the other school if necessary. I am a teacher and this would be addressed despite it being the holidays if it ended up being necessary. It feels like you're minimising it a bit or looking for excuses now. Just do the right thing.

LightSpeeds · 07/07/2022 19:27

@DotJones "I think the OP is being a little harsh on their child, it's not up to her to police his sense of humour."

What a thoughtless comment... It's not about a 'sense of humour', it's about the attitude that females are objects for males' pleasure, just to be (ab)used and not respected.

Anyway, good luck OP in educating your son to be one of the more respectful boys around. Sexual harassment and abuse is now rife in schools, colleges, and universities and not much is being done about it.