To limit contact with ex MIL out even though my kids adore her

[user1498596172]

This is abit long so bare with me!

I (F31) seperated from my ex partner 16 months ago. We were together 13 years, three children aged 11, 7 and 4.

My ex MIL has always been amazing with our kids, but horrible to me. She treats me like a child, gives unwarranted and unasked for advice, and generally oversteps boundaries frequently.

Since me and my ex split under horrific circumstances (I can't explain too much due to legal reasons but it's probably worse than you'd expect), but the part I can divulge is he cheated on me for the last time.

Despite his legal problems his mum stuck by him. His mental health issues were a big factor, but alot of it was his own doing. He was exceptionally abusive in the aftermath as he didn't want to leave the family home, threatened suicide alot as a way to control people around him, and is now playing victim and saying he's the victim of abuse from me, his mum and his accusor.

He didn't see the children for their own safety for about 8 months due to all this.

So my MIL really stepped up and helped me out with childcare. She was always very generous with her time, and adores my kids, but it always came at a cost of the above.

She has taken this to mean she's a coparent. She went to the school to try and get their records, she makes decisions without telling me about it, and when it was time to reintroduce the kids she took matters into her own hands to decide details. She was incredibly nasty during this time to me, accusing me of not doing what's right for the kids, but my ex really wasn't stable and all I wanted was a timetable for contact to be built up. On the second visit he slept over, and I was at work and couldn't do anything about it. She informed me (informed, not ask) about 10 minutes before.
She also feeds them alot of junk food, but tells me it's my fault they're overweight! She has them 2/3 nights a week and they come home telling me they've had McDonald's/ice cream/crisps/chocolate. When I raise it with her, she tells me I don't take them out for exercise enough and she just wants to be a nanny and do what nanny's do, which is spoil her grandkids. I literally cannot win.

She has also taken massive offence to me being in a relationship.

Now, it hasn't been perfect. We've been dating 10 months. We met not wanting a relationship, and it took a little while to establish boundaries and what we were. During this time he cheated on me, and when things started getting more serious he admitted to what he'd done so that we could go forward without secrets. He adores me, treats me very well and loves my kids despite never having wanted his own. He's 31 and I'm his first proper girlfriend as he was a bit of a whore before.

But because he cheated (and I stupidly told her because she called me when I was upset) she constantly tells me how much of a red flag he is, how we're moving too fast (we don't live together or anything, just spend alot of time together with the kids) and generally tries to get in my head about it. She seems totally unaware of the fact that her son is a walking red flag and was abusive for years, and never once told me to run from him and instead 'try to make it work and perhaps there's things I could do'.

Now I'm not suggesting I limit their time to be petty. If it were up to me, I would cut their entire family out because theyre all toxic. But I am looking for a new job where I can be less reliant on her. I think as the kids get older they'll realise that for themselves. She openly disrespects me in front of them, and I don't bite so as to not cause a scene. But it's getting harder and harder. I'm given no credit for keeping my kids heads above water by myself after their dads behaviour, nor am I respected as their mother by either of them. It was a truly horrendous time as we suffered a close bereavement, a seperation and the arrest all within three weeks of each other, and she was there for all of the abuse. I just don't understand.

Aibu?

Of course because your children have had enough disruption in their life, why not rip them away from their loving grandmother whom they adore?

Stop using your mil for childcare, let her be a nanny, once or twice a month on a weekend

Dump the new boyfriend, sounds like out of the frying pan, onto the fire

I don't understand some women jump from one unsuitable relationship to another. The op can't see a pattern at all can she?

So you were happy to use your MIL when it suited you, and now you don't need her you just want to dump her - never mind what that might do to your children.

Given that you have gone from one man who cheated on you to another I suggest maybe you forget about men for a while and concentrate on yourself and your children. It seems the only stable person in their life up to this stage is your MIL, and maybe some of her advice is actually spot on.

This.

man wants ready made family Massive massive red flags here.

I can see where she is coming from. Kids dad, her son, is not a fit parent. Kids mum, you, doesn't display best judgement. She is the only stable and reliable person in their life. How could you possibly think it is OK to introduce this new bloke to your young kids so early?! Given his strangle lack of experience and cheating so early in relationship do you not see he is not suitable? How can you blame your MIL to be protective over the kids?
You need to address her communication style, I. E. No disrespectful comments, but don't cut down her time with the kids. It is cruel and selfish thing to do to your children

I agree with this.

I can absolutely see why your MIL is concerned about the kids and it sounds like she’s been a great support to you. I don’t blame you for wanting to reset boundaries but I’d make it a gradual process rather than trying to cut the only stable presence out of your kids’ lives entirely. Dump the awful new boyfriend.

she constantly tells me how much of a red flag he is, how we're moving too fast (we don't live together or anything, just spend alot of time together with the kids) and generally tries to get in my head about it. She seems totally unaware of the fact that her son is a walking red flag

Sounds like she’s not the only one failing to spot a pattern.

But your MIL isn’t a nightmare - overbearing perhaps, but she has been parenting your kids 50:50 so you can have a social life. The boyfriend bit is frankly disturbing and suggests you don’t have their best interests at heart - perhaps focus on your kids for a bit, look after them a bit more and this will naturally limit your contact with MIL. You can’t have it both ways.

Your MIL has really stepped up and been the coparent in this. She's the only stable thing your kids have. I wouldn't have let anyone other than their father (if he isn't abusive) look after my kids so much.

You used your MIL because you wanted a social life. You should have let them go to your MIL's every now and again but not the frequency that you did.

You shouldn't have brought a new man into their lives when there are still such serious issues with their father.

You should definitely not have brought a man who cheated on you, is young and has no family of his own into your kids lives. Fair enough for you to date him but not have him around your kids as your relationship isn't stable and things are still bad with their father.

Grow up, think about your kids and give them a stable life.

I don’t understand what you think is toxic about your MIL? Lean on her less but don’t cut her out as that would be unkind to both her and your children. The new boyfriend sounds toxic though and I would get rid before bonds are formed.

Yep. First comment has nailed it.

I think your children have been through a lot and need stability. It's not fair that it's all on you but that seems to be the role of the mother. You need boundaries with MIL and you are being very unreasonable to introduce your children to another man. He sounds awful as well from what you describe and definitely red flags on him.

Sounds like your MIL is the only one really advocating for your children. You are dragging them into your new relationship with a 'whore'. Ugh at the casual use of that word while damning the woman who loves and provides stability for your children.
And yes, it would be incredibly cruel to separate them from their grandmother who they adore, leaving you solely in charge of this shit show.

You've told u it s how awful your MIL is but you admit to using her" a lot" for childcare so that you can have a social life !

You now have boyfriend who has utterly disrespected you who comes with something of a past history.

Not sure what to say.

Your MIL's heart is in the right place and she's probably worried about her grandchildren who seem to be in the way of their mother's social life.

Priorities

Boundaries

What are you doing with someone who cheated on you? That isn't normal, or healthy in a relationship. I'd suggest that you rethink boundaries with boyfriend. Also MIL, well she's useful, loves the kids and but feeds them junk food. Just ask her to tackle the overfeeding. Then allow yourself time to heal from all that ex partner and your current boyfriend have put you through.

This.

To be honest your MIL sounds interfering but I think you've sort of given her license to be, because of how much you've relied on her.

It sounds very much like she is just really worried about you and her DGC. Yes she may have made all sorts of suggestions about how to keep you and your ex together but to be honest a grandparent trying to find a way of keeping her grandchildren's biological parents together is a bit different to voicing concerns about a new partner who sounds totally inappropriate.

She doesn't sound totally unreasonable in the circumstances, to be honest.

Plus your children love her so it would be cruel to them.

Are you for real op?

You kids adore your MIL. Why would you take that away from them.

You need to put your kids first. Get rid of the boyfriend too.

2/3 nights a week and every other weekend sounds like it is approaching 6 nights a fortnight?

A huge amount.

After all the drama with her son you have hooked up with another waster.

You had your children very young OP.

You need to slow down.

I think you love your children but better choices are necessary.

Speak to her privately about the way she speaks to you in front of the children.

Start looking at their diet too.

Your children are young and overweight.

This will be a huge unhappy issue as they get older.

Start dealing with it now.

Try and work with her as she loves them but the two above issues need dealing with.

Getting a job where you don't need her so much is wise.

Being out 2/3 nights a week is a lot with three children.

This guy is bad news.

Take a break from men and focus on your children and helping them get to a healthy weight.

*Everyone seems to be jumping on you about the new boyfriend without acknowledgement of what an absolute nightmare your MIL is.
You've been through a really difficult time and it sounds as though you had no real option other than letting her look after the kids when you had to work, but looking for a new job is a really positive move. Taking steps to stop your reliance on her will put you in a much better position to start asserting some serious boundaries with the woman, Lord knows they're needed.
She's right about the new boyfriend though - he sounds pretty horrible. Do you really want to entrust your happiness to someone with a track record of questionable morals who's never had a relationship? Not to be patronising but I suspect the abuse from ex partner has massively influenced the way you're viewing this situation and the behaviour you're allowing from him. It's worth taking a step back and really reflecting on it, maybe talk to some of your close friends about it - I'm sure they'll have a view.

And most importantly look after yourself - you're doing the best you can in very difficult circumstances, keep going!*

Absolutely this.

The whore comment obviously got women’s backs up and it seems like the core part of your issues were lost.

I think you should work towards backing away from your controlling MIL. In fact you can see a direct line from her towards her son’s behaviour towards you. Often when we are in crisis we can rely on the wrong people because our judgement is off but when your judgement returns it is time to make changes.

very controlling people do not do well having boundaries imposed on them so you need to learn to deal with the discomfort that brings while she learns that you have limits to her behaviour. Expect the boundary push back, mentally prepare for it and then just repeat as necessary.

The boyfriend is a separate issue.

We've been dating 10 months. We met not wanting a relationship, and it took a little while to establish boundaries and what we were. During this time he cheated on me, and when things started getting more serious he admitted to what he'd done so that we could go forward without secrets. He adores me, treats me very well and loves my kids despite never having wanted his own. He's 31 and I'm his first proper girlfriend as he was a bit of a whore before.

I can see why your MIL doesn't approve of your new relationship. Within months of one terrible relationship ending, you started up another terrible relationship with more red flags than a Soviet military parade. You've already cried to her on the phone about it. If I was your MIL I would be worried about my grandkids and tearing my hair out over the whole mess.

By the way, by referencing 'his accuser' in relation to your ex you've more or less revealed the 'horrific circumstances' in which you split up, which negates your initial claim that you weren't going to say what the issue was.

I can't believe you've already introduced a new man to your kids, after all they've been through.
Sorry, this is what stood out for me.
Why on earth wouldn't your kids - and your own mental well-being after emerging from a horrific relationship - be your priority?

You were with XH from 18, you met the new man 3 months after separating - you have only spent about 12 weeks of your adult life on your own.

You need time away from men to grow and develop healthy boundaries. You will find this actually helps your relationship with MIL as well. Cutting out someone your kids love and see all the time is a childish response, show them how an adult behaves (this goes for relationships as well):

"MIL, the DCs health is more important than who is to blame, you need to support me with the healthy eating, if you want to spoil and treat them then you can only have them for meals once a fortnight."

"DP, you cheated, goodbye."

"MIL, I know it's hard but XH is not in a good place, I can't imagine how difficult this is for you but we have to think about DCs as well, can we talk together and make a plan..."

She openly disrespects me in front of them, and I don't bite so as to not cause a scene

What you are teaching your kids is that when people treat you badly you have to grin and bear it. They should be learning that when people are bad to you, you don't tolerate it no matter who they are. This is exactly why so many people have poor boundaries and poor mental health in adulthood because their parents have not given them any kind of good example on how to deal with difficult people.

Im sorry, I do sympathise and it must be really difficult but you need to think what you are showing your kids and how you'd want them to behave as adults if they had a really nasty colleague, friend or partner. Would you want them to soak it up and be miserable/anxious?

I’ll try and be charitable even though your post is a bit of a walking red flag, to be honest.

It sounds like you had children very young, and partnered up very young, and it sounds like the end of your relationship with your kids dad was very traumatic. I can understand wanting to find a new partner soon, as you’ve always had that all your adult life, but this is clearly not the man. You do not want to go from a man who cheats on you to a man who cheats on you. Break up with this man, he is not “lovely”. You need to take some time to be alone and establish yourself as a single mother, particularly if you’ve been relying on help from your MIL up until now (which you have) and you want to scale that back.

And I have to be honest, you need to put your kids first. They do not need to be cut off from a stable adult in their lives after a lot of upheaval and trauma - don’t ban them from their grandmother. And they don’t need your new boyfriend to be doing lots of things with them. They shouldn’t have met him, and they certainly shouldn’t have another man in their lives who cheats on their mum - if you have boys they will inevitably start to think “that’s what men do”, and go out and do it themselves one day. It’s a really bad example to set for your kids about the kind of love they deserve. Don’t start a cycle of your daughters accepting abuse or your sons perpetrating it. Take some time as a family to heal, alone.