This is abit long so bare with me!
I (F31) seperated from my ex partner 16 months ago. We were together 13 years, three children aged 11, 7 and 4.
My ex MIL has always been amazing with our kids, but horrible to me. She treats me like a child, gives unwarranted and unasked for advice, and generally oversteps boundaries frequently.
Since me and my ex split under horrific circumstances (I can't explain too much due to legal reasons but it's probably worse than you'd expect), but the part I can divulge is he cheated on me for the last time.
Despite his legal problems his mum stuck by him. His mental health issues were a big factor, but alot of it was his own doing. He was exceptionally abusive in the aftermath as he didn't want to leave the family home, threatened suicide alot as a way to control people around him, and is now playing victim and saying he's the victim of abuse from me, his mum and his accusor.
He didn't see the children for their own safety for about 8 months due to all this.
So my MIL really stepped up and helped me out with childcare. She was always very generous with her time, and adores my kids, but it always came at a cost of the above.
She has taken this to mean she's a coparent. She went to the school to try and get their records, she makes decisions without telling me about it, and when it was time to reintroduce the kids she took matters into her own hands to decide details. She was incredibly nasty during this time to me, accusing me of not doing what's right for the kids, but my ex really wasn't stable and all I wanted was a timetable for contact to be built up. On the second visit he slept over, and I was at work and couldn't do anything about it. She informed me (informed, not ask) about 10 minutes before.
She also feeds them alot of junk food, but tells me it's my fault they're overweight! She has them 2/3 nights a week and they come home telling me they've had McDonald's/ice cream/crisps/chocolate. When I raise it with her, she tells me I don't take them out for exercise enough and she just wants to be a nanny and do what nanny's do, which is spoil her grandkids. I literally cannot win.
She has also taken massive offence to me being in a relationship.
Now, it hasn't been perfect. We've been dating 10 months. We met not wanting a relationship, and it took a little while to establish boundaries and what we were. During this time he cheated on me, and when things started getting more serious he admitted to what he'd done so that we could go forward without secrets. He adores me, treats me very well and loves my kids despite never having wanted his own. He's 31 and I'm his first proper girlfriend as he was a bit of a whore before.
But because he cheated (and I stupidly told her because she called me when I was upset) she constantly tells me how much of a red flag he is, how we're moving too fast (we don't live together or anything, just spend alot of time together with the kids) and generally tries to get in my head about it. She seems totally unaware of the fact that her son is a walking red flag and was abusive for years, and never once told me to run from him and instead 'try to make it work and perhaps there's things I could do'.
Now I'm not suggesting I limit their time to be petty. If it were up to me, I would cut their entire family out because theyre all toxic. But I am looking for a new job where I can be less reliant on her. I think as the kids get older they'll realise that for themselves. She openly disrespects me in front of them, and I don't bite so as to not cause a scene. But it's getting harder and harder. I'm given no credit for keeping my kids heads above water by myself after their dads behaviour, nor am I respected as their mother by either of them. It was a truly horrendous time as we suffered a close bereavement, a seperation and the arrest all within three weeks of each other, and she was there for all of the abuse. I just don't understand.
Aibu?