Need to vent - lazy husband

[Rantyranty]

We have one child, a year old. A big issue since DS was born has been that I do the vast majority of childcare and night wakings. It was frustrating at times when I was on mat leave but now I’m back at work, I’m not happy and we have spoken about it several times. H pulls his weight for a week or so and then goes back to being too lazy to do anything.

So I decided rather than expecting H to do things proactively, I will ask him to do it.

Tonight was my day to pick up DS from nursery, which includes making dinner, giving him a bath and putting him to bed (somehow, even on H’s days to pick him up, I still end up doing half of those tasks, but that’s another thread). H came home and as I was putting DS to bed I asked him to do a load of DS’s washing. That was at half 7.

I had to log back on so left H in the living room. Popped in at 9ish and he’s lying on the sofa on his phone, with the laundry basket just sitting there. I didn’t say anything.

Went back in at 10pm, same sight.

H has just come to the study, looking absolutely shattered saying he is trying to stay awake for the washing but he’s struggling, and can I hang it up to dry.

Seriously, WTAF. He put the washing in just before midnight, and then wants me to hang it out when it’s done. The reason why I asked early on was because obviously it takes time for the washing to wash, and sitting on your phone on your arse all night will obviously mean the washing doesn’t get done.

DS is a terrible sleeper, and I have a very demanding job. But what has been the most difficult for me over the past year is not adjusting to life with a baby and a job, but H. I went into this thinking we would be 50/50 in terms of care (well, more me because of breastfeeding). I didn’t expect to end up being the primary caregiver who also looks after the house, with a part time assistant that needs directions and even then doesn’t help.

He needs to understand in no uncertain terms that your life will be significantly easier without his useless arse taking up space.

The usual advice is to stop doing things for him. Laundry, cooking etc.

So what do you want to do?what’s the options

1. you continue being the reliable & aggrieved stalwart


2. implement changes. He becomes a better dad, better husband


3. what if this is it, he’s a lazy gig who won’t change. Knowing you’ll continue to be exhausted but reliable

Say no. This 'helplessness' will only get worse if you enable it. Having a baby is a shock, your life has to change. He doesn't understand this yet (although it has been a year!!) He needs to learn how to attend to his child's needs by 'doing' not 'telling' as unfortunately you will be called a 'nag' if you try to tell him. Sadly you have married a weak man child, the only option is baby bootcamp.

I’ve been there and done it and in my opinion he won’t change unless he wants to.

Only you know.

I fear he is a lazy git who won’t change. As I’ve tried to implement changes. We’ve had several talks and fights about it. It affects our sex life because I find his laziness so exhausting I don’t want to have sex with him and he knows it. Yet nothing changes.

I just don’t get it…things were very 50 50 pre baby but rather than getting that support from him, I just end up taking on more and more of the load.

Is he adding anything to your life OP?

Hav you thought about separating?

Yes, I agree with Blobblobblob,

Sort your own food for yourself, good nutritious meals, and washing your own laundry, do life's essentials, just yours. Explain to the father of your child, that he is now the father of his child, and needs to realise this and step up, and he needs to work on his actuality as a father.

This may come as a shock to him, despite all the clues.

@Rantyranty ,

I was just the same about sex and you end up resenting the person as they are making your life harder and expect you to do everything while they fall asleep or make excuses but they soon wake up when you have done the hard work and you are totally exhausted and ready for bed.

As Knitting said, do your own thing for yourself and your child. Do your washing and your cooking and your food shopping. When he asks why you are doing nothing for him, tell him you are practicing to become a single parent and he should practice being a bachelor and doing all his own work. If that doesn't kick start him, find a solicitor and file the papers.

The only advice I’ve ever heard which is helpful to men is that women are biologically programmed not to want sex with people they are parenting, for obvious reasons. If you are in charge of, dealing with and picking up the slack from his lack of autonomous input into your shared responsibilities, you are parenting not partnering. Thus it isn’t your fault you struggle to have a sex life. He needs to step up. He’s presumably a functional adult with a job and can learn how to do this shit without being micromanaged. (They learn at work. They are capable!) so he can do it, if he wants to. And if he can be on board with partner=sex life. Parenting him=no sex life and it’s BIOLOGICAL and therefore not your fault and not in your control, he might change his behaviour. Be clear that it’s not about doing what you ask, but about his spontaneous and sustained input. Give it a timeframe and prepare to leave, because they still don’t get it. It’s not good enough for you, and it’s certainly not what you want your son to grow up seeing you validate by staying. If individual women don’t ensure that individual men suffer the consequences of an unequal relationship being no relationship, the collective patriarchy will not change, and the next generation will grow up thinking it’s ok. It’s what their mothers did. And women run themselves into the ground and are miserable.

Sorry. I know you shouldn’t have to smash the patriarchy by by yourself, but that’s the bottom line.

I hope you said No.

Did you say 'why didn't you put it on earlier?'

I also hope you said no and left him to it. I would also point out that lazy man children are deeply unsexy,

Get rid of him and feel the tension melt away.

Basically you have two kids.

I'm a single parent and can tell you life is way easier without a useless man child in it

I couldn’t imagine having to parent my DH. I couldn’t imagine having to micromanage him doing stuff in the house. I don’t mind telling him because he just couldn’t care less about the bins going out etc but it would never come to a row.

What joy is he adding to your life?

saying he is trying to stay awake for the washing but he’s struggling, and can I hang it up to dry.

I presume you said no? The main part of ‘doing the washing’ is hanging it up to dry! He now thinks he ‘did the washing!’

If you said nothing and did as he asked, what do you hope to achieve there…?

I'm going to assume he was like this before you had a child, did he say he would change or did you expect him to?

My partner is equally as lazy really, I have to tell him to do stuff and then laugh at him that I have to basically coach him on doing housework, does his manager do the same? He's a bit better now, but not good enough and I've told him no kids until he steps up and proves he is capable. He's the one desperate for kids, not me, so this works in my favour, I know he won't change.

I doubt your husband will ever change, so you either have to accept this and put up with it, or leave him. There isn't an in-between, he won't learn and he won't do it.

He needs to know in no uncertain terms that his disrespect for you is potentially a marriage ender - because that’s what it is, disrespect.

I suggest not giving him tasks any more. He is an adult, he holds down a job. I don’t think he’d be in employment long if he were like this with his boss. ‘Oh sorry, I started writing the report 5 minutes before the deadline and now I’m tired, can you finish and distribute it?’.

He can assess the situation, make a plan and do the tasks. I think the problem is not capability but misogyny.

do you cook him food, do his washing, food shop?- if so stop, let him know this is the start of separating (separate washing baskets, sepeRte shelves in the fridge) and the best bit to come is he will have DS for half the time alone.

This is why I strongly disagree with the idea that a woman on maternity leave should be picking up every bloody thing around the house and with the baby. The man has 9 months - a year of being catered for, his life magically easier now than before the birth of his child (what the fuck?!) and theres not a chance he's going to go back to being a functional adult when his wife goes back to work. He's had it too easy for too long.
My DH and I are a pretty good team overall, but he does go through bouts of Lazy Bastarditis from time to time, which I find enraging and find myself thinking how much easier life would be without him. "If you're not with me, your against me type" mentality kicks in and who needs their DH to be actively against them? Creating work for you rather than doing his share of it?
It would be marriage ending stuff if that was my reality all the time. It is that serious.

I'm so SICK of men like this. Every man in my life for the last 40 years. No wonder I now live alone because I'd explode like a grenade if one more man expected me to be his house maid.
I've had enough and any attempts to change any of them failed.

When people have children they can sub consciously fall back into the roles their parents had. Does his mum do everything?

Anyway you've tried talking to him and nothing has changed. That's absolutely pathetic about the washing, expecting you to sort it. I hope you said no?

I think your only options now are -

Accept it
Tell him its marriage counselling or you're off. See if he can explain to a third party why it's ok for you to do his share of everything as well as your own.
Leave him with the baby for a few days and see how he likes doing everything (appreciate you may not want to do this as your baby is young)
Or just leave with the baby and start taking steps to split. Whether that's permanent or not you dont need to finalise now

My ex was like this , would say he would wash up after tea then it would get later and later until surprise surprise it was bed time ! I got so resentful of his lack of help and enthusiasm it got to the point I couldn't bare the sight of him . If things don't change you could well end up feeling the same way . I would have a chat with him pointing out that parenting /housework should be a partnership and without telling him give him a month to change . When the month is up , ask him to leave . Might sound harsh but honestly his laziness will affect all parts of your relationship, well you have already said you don't want to sleep with him so unless he get his act together things will just get worse .

Honestly, there have been times where I think I would be better on my own. There is no respect or value of my time. I’ve been struggling for a while now, and thought I had depression with the sleep deprivation and juggling work but I realised I’m actually coping well with that side of things, it’s knowing I’m in a situation where my husband is lazy AF and doesn’t pull his weight. That’s what is getting me really down.

And it’s the small things. I wash my hair twice a week, so it’s only two mornings a week that I need time and space to get dressed for work / the weekend. Yet every single time, baby just has to come in and say hello, and once he sees me he won’t let me get dressed as he wants to be held, doesn’t want to leave the room, etc etc. This morning, lo and behold, they both come in as I’m doing my hair. I asked why he’s coming in and H tells me DS wanted to see me…funny how when H is working and DS wants to get into study, he can’t open the door himself but when I’m getting dressed, DS somehow manages to make himself come in.

I just don’t get it. He wasn’t like this before. As a PP said, I think he got used to me doing everything when I was on mat leave. Even then, we have a cleaner who also does our laundry, so the only work that needs to be done are meals, general tidying up, taking the bins out and DS’s laundry. It’s hardly a huge load that is just too much on top of a job with long hours.

My ex was like this , would say he would wash up after tea then it would get later and later until surprise surprise it was bed time

Exactly the same. I’m getting better and not giving in and doing it myself so that he can get off his arse, but then half the time he does it whilst moping around and literally dragging his feet. I don’t mean that metaphorically - he quite literally drags his feet that you hear the sound of his slippers dragging along the floor.