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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To resign now

100 replies

Rosebel · 05/07/2022 18:45

Started a new job yesterday with high hopes but tbh I don't think it will last long as they have barely any work.
That's not the reason why I want to resign.
I leave the house at 7:15 and get home at 6:15 so I don't see a lot of my son but both nights he's rejected me. Refuses to cuddle me. He was never like this with his dad.
I love him and the fact he hates me now has made me decide that I should resign. My husband doesn't want me to though and I can't deny that the money is good and I enjoy the job but not as much as I love my son
YABU keep the job
YANBU give up work and look after your son

OP posts:
WafflyVersatileOohOoh · 05/07/2022 20:02

And we wonder why women have to fight so hard to get equal opportunities in the workplace 🙄

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 05/07/2022 20:07

You do need to give it a chance. It's so hard to leave your baby for the first time and his reaction is of course upsetting. But he will very likely get used to it and come around. How old is he?

While the way she put it was pretty shit, @LemonJuiceFromConcentrate has the germ of a point in there - you have to be able to let your son feel his feelings, maintain perspective, and not make him responsible for yours. Right now he's (I presume) very little and won't be picking up on this, but the idea you would make a major life decision based on a temporary acting up on his part is concerning, it gives him too much power and power is very scary for little people who need to know their parents are in control, have firm and sensible boundaries, and can contain their children's sometimes overwhelming emotions while they learn to understand and control them. That's part of our work as parents, to give them that sense of safety. I was parentified by my mum from a young age and it was bloody scary. I'm sure you're just upset and venting now, but it's worth bearing in mind going forward. I hope he gets used to your new routine and you get your cuddle soon x

Btw when my daughter started nursery she used to be happy all day, until I came to pick her up, then the second she clapped eyes on me she'd burst into tears. For months. Hard not to take it personally! But she was just overwhelmed by a lot of big feelings and reacting to that. Your son will be doing the same. Be calm, be consistent, and keep showing him that no matter how often you go away you always come back and are there for him.

He absolutely, categorically does not hate you. Some parents absolutely batter their kids and the kids still love them. That love is not at all fragile, and won't be undone by a few long days at work. You are his world.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 05/07/2022 20:08

Never did I say I’m perfect op. And I have been through the return to work thing too and I know it can be massively challenging.

It’s one thing to come on here and talk about how bloody hard it is dealing with the emotions around going back to work. Totally fair enough. People talk about this stuff all the time on MN and I normally just feel sympathetic. I cannot ever recall being shocked by a post on the topic before.

You are making your innocent child responsible for your feelings, and responsible for your choices, in a super harsh and unfair, un-empathetic, hugely disproportionate way. That type of attitude to a child can do real and significant emotional harm.

Just whatever though, right? the real issue is how hated you are etc.

eatsleepswimdive · 05/07/2022 20:09

Seriously OP get a grip, millions of mothers go to work every day. Your child will get used to it and you are being ridiculously over dramatic, your child hasn’t rejected you, he’s a bit cross and confused about the change in routine but he’ll get used to it. You’ve only been out for 2 days.

Fushiadreams · 05/07/2022 20:12

Op is the fundamental issue here you don’t wish to work and would rather be at home? Can your child even feel hate, are they old enough?

I think if this is you don’t want to work speak to your partner, can you make it work financially?

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2022 20:14

I shudder to think how you will handle the teenage years, when they actually might hate you!

Fushiadreams · 05/07/2022 20:15

Op looking at your other thread I think this is maybe more about you not wishing to work at this stage and wanting to be a stay at home parent?

TerffLonDon · 05/07/2022 20:18

How old is he?

eatsleepswimdive · 05/07/2022 20:19

TerffLonDon · 05/07/2022 20:18

How old is he?

He’s nearly 2, the OP has some other posts and he has been in nursery since he was a baby and she has worked since then

Salahwalawoowoo · 05/07/2022 20:20

Well your DC will hate you even more when you don't have a roof over your head and you're all starving cos you've got no money. Mine hate me at the moment cos I won't let them spend fifty quid on fortnite.

It's shit going back to work. Its never nice leaving your precious first born. I'd say most of MN have been there at some point. But you're the adult here. You need to be the one putting a brave face on it and telling your DC this is for the best.

Longdistance · 05/07/2022 20:21

Just walk into the house with a big smile and a biscuit as bribery for ds. You’ll soon be forgiven.
No need to quit the job after two days, it’s early doors.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/07/2022 20:26

Please stop catastrophising. Your ds will be fine. He’s adjusting. The teen years are difficult on the emotions. Now would be a good time to look at ways to support yourself mentally.

3WildOnes · 05/07/2022 20:27

It sounds like you may he suffering from some postnatal anxiety OP. Do you think that could be a possibility?

seven201 · 05/07/2022 20:36

Yabu. Give it time

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2022 20:44

3WildOnes · 05/07/2022 20:27

It sounds like you may he suffering from some postnatal anxiety OP. Do you think that could be a possibility?

Or a personality disorder. Or bipolar. Or depression.

But more likely OP is just being a bit dramatic and hoping we'll all tell her she can stay at home.

ladycarlotta · 05/07/2022 20:47

there is only meant to be one child in your family and it's not you. PP is right - you need to find a more measured way of handling these feelings because the way you are creating drama and ultimatums over really normal toddler behaviour is not right. Please do not cast him in this role of responsibility for your feelings and actions, it's going to do a total number on him.

Sittingonabench · 05/07/2022 20:49

he absolutely doesn’t hate you - he loves you with everything he has but he is adjusting to his new routine. He doesn’t understand and is feeling lost right now but once he gets to know the new routine and when you are there he will be back to his lovely self with you. Your DH never had this as it wasn’t a change in routine. Please don’t worry this is part of him getting to understand that even when you are not there you will always come back and be his safe place. The rejection feeling is normal but could come with anything so if you’re happy with the job and the money makes a difference I would stick with it and remember that he is getting something out of it too

wanttokickoffbutcant · 05/07/2022 20:52

I went through a horrid stage when my dd was about two and a half. She had been with a childminder from 5 months and as she got older she loved being there with the other children. I sometimes had to carry her screaming to my car. It broke my heart each time. As soon as we were home I focused on her and had fun. Ten years later we are very close and she barely remembers the childminder. Starting pre school made things better and she started at 3.5.

That brief period of stressed mornings and evenings enabled me to hold on to my career. I know have the money to fund the things she needs and wants and she is also a very sociable, confident girl

TacCat49 · 05/07/2022 20:54

I think bribery can go a loooooong way in some situations with children. I would excitedly say something like 'Dad when I get my first pay I will be able to buy a takeaway (or toy, or event) that DS wants'. Say it within ear shot not directly to the child.

3WildOnes · 05/07/2022 20:54

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2022 20:44

Or a personality disorder. Or bipolar. Or depression.

But more likely OP is just being a bit dramatic and hoping we'll all tell her she can stay at home.

I don't think the catastrophising or the deep feeling of rejection are normal emotional responses to the situation. I think it is a possibility that this mum has more going on.

Loveisnotloving · 05/07/2022 20:56

Give me fucking strength

Fushiadreams · 05/07/2022 21:00

I think the kid actually goes to the nursery the op works at she’s just in a different room. I do think there is more going on here, she stayed at home for her older kids, and that’s uktimately her preference.

her kid doesn’t hate her she knows this, but he maybe reacting to her upset at being away from him and then the overwhelmed when she sees him.

I dunno, but if the root cause is she doesn’t wish to be away from him then it’s best to work that out financially with her husband as I’m not sure this is about the kid and it’s everything to do with the op wanting to be a stay at home mum.

UWhatNow · 05/07/2022 21:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Superbabe64 · 05/07/2022 21:02

Why did you come on here?
Other working mothers are trying to support you and tell you that it will get better ...it's been two days and yes it is shit when they are rejecting you. My DD did and refused to have me read to her even because she could feel my stress of having to go back to marking course work and exam papers. Both DC are grown up now and we have all survived and are as close as we could possible be.
So yes you are feeling a bit low and shit but it will get better.
From one always working long hours parent to another...yes you are being over-dramatic to the reaction of your DS and the support other posters are giving you.
However, make sure you have the best possible child care in place (for peace of mind when in work) and a cleaner (was very important to me)...so that when I came home from work on a Friday, I could spend the time with my family and not have to worry about cleaning and ironing.
Good Luck x

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 05/07/2022 21:03

I’m not sure how you’d survive then if you were a single mum! Definitely over dramatic and self-centred; try thinking of it from your little boy’s perspective. He certainly doesn’t hate you etc ffs! He’s a bit confused at the change of routine, he’s hardly going to ignore you for the next 16 years 🙄