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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To send her all of the messages

98 replies

Mylifeinpart · 04/07/2022 09:45

I'm so mad at the moment. Someone I was in love with and dated last year has been in touch alot recently. We ended because he wouldn't go public with our relationship. He been sending messages asking to date. Saying he was busy with work but as soon as he has time would like to see me. Telling me he loves me etc. Last message received was 2 days ago. Yesterday he posted being on holiday with his girlfriend!! Tagged her too. Clearly I've been a side interest that he has now publicly dumped without telling me. I'm shocked that he would do this and think I wouldn't message her? Also how can he treat me like this?

OP posts:
Blueswedeshoes · 04/07/2022 09:54

I’d tell her he’s been seeing you, just so she can make a decision about whether she wants to be with a scumbag, although I wouldn’t send her the messages unless she asks for the proof of his relationship with you.

Mylifeinpart · 04/07/2022 10:24

It's just hurtful that he could do this! We slept together a few weeks ago

OP posts:
Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 04/07/2022 10:25

Imo she should know full facts about her bf so she can decide if he is worthy of her...

Covidosaurus · 04/07/2022 10:27

Take an STI test, warn the gf and forget about him, OP.

StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon · 04/07/2022 10:37

Tell her. Send her the messages. Get an STI test for sure. What a prick.

dudsville · 04/07/2022 10:40

Yes i would tell her.

I'm sorry you found yourself mixed up with him.

ilovesooty · 04/07/2022 10:41

Just get tested and move on. If she's with someone like this she can find out for herself.

Loics · 04/07/2022 10:42

I would also tell her, she probably has no idea what he's really like.
I hope you're doing okay OP, you've been treated appallingly.

twoandcooplease · 04/07/2022 10:45

I would send them too

Irishfarmer · 04/07/2022 10:52

He's a prick. I think I would tell her and as someone else said get an STI test.

Mylifeinpart · 04/07/2022 10:54

I will get tested. So gutted that I could be so played and be so stupid

OP posts:
SparklingPeach · 04/07/2022 10:54

I would tell her, but be prepared for her to stay with him anyway.

Bookworm20 · 04/07/2022 10:59

So sorry you got mixed up with this piece of crap of a man.
And I'd definitely tell the GF. Send her a few of the messages and just say he totally blindsided you, you now know he has a GF and think she should know so she can decide for herself what to do.

ManateeFair · 04/07/2022 11:09

I think you should be extremely careful and sensitive about whatever you choose to do, because absolutely none of this is his poor girlfriend's fault. She has done nothing wrong. So if you do decide to message her, be kind, tactful, sensitive about it.

And don't do it while they're on holiday. It can wait.

Your motive here sounds very much like revenge on someone who has been stringing you along (and in a very obvious way, from the sound of it) rather than any concern for his girlfriend, who is actually the one who has been cheated on.

You haven't been 'dumped' by this man because you were not a couple in the first place - you say yourself that your relationship ended previously because he wouldn't go public/official, and that he has just been asking for 'dates' and you slept with him a few weeks ago. I think you need to be clear in your head that you are the 'other woman' here, not her, so tread carefully.

You dated him last year, but describe yourself as 'in love' with him, which is all very intense. I'm really sorry that you've been shat on like this, but I also think that if you decide to tell his girlfriend your motive should be kindness to her, not making yourself feel better.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 04/07/2022 11:11

I would want to know. I wouldn't care if the OW was motivated by revenge, I'd still want to know. What I did with that info would be my prerogative. You and her probably need to get down to the GUM clinic pronto as for all you know there could be others.

Annoyedwithmyself · 04/07/2022 11:16

I'd let her know. What a creep. She doesn't deserve to waste her time on him without full knowledge. If she chooses to do so anyway then that's up to her. Just send her the messages and a timeline of your involvement with him. Block him. Block her if she gets lairy. Think carefully about your expectations and any risk first though. This isn't revenge or resolution, it's about giving her the heads up. You will need to process this independently of telling her or not.

Bear in mind she may not thank you and neither will he. if you consider him any risk then put your own safety first and don't contact her.

Blanketpolicy · 04/07/2022 11:18

And don't do it while they're on holiday. It can wait.

I know I would not want to continue the humiliation and farce of believing I was a loving couple on holiday and sleeping with him. I would rather know as soon as possible.

Brideandprejudice · 04/07/2022 11:20

I'd tell her and say you have proof if she would like to see it.

Mylifeinpart · 04/07/2022 11:26

Thankyou your messages are helping. I do need to act with caution. I agree it isn't the Kindest thing to do to message her while she is on holiday. I'm starting to really think of him as a complete scum bag. First I felt hurt and now more that he is trash to do this to her and me. He was my boyfriend for a year and I thought we were getting back. Oh how stupid i have been.

OP posts:
Nothappyatwork · 04/07/2022 11:28

I was in exactly this scenario about three weeks ago and I did download everything on WhatsApp and send it all to her. Their situation is a little bit worse because he’s manage to have children with her in the time frame, but I’ve absolutely no regrets hopefully it’s a shot across the bow for him and he won’t make the same mistake again. And if he does she now knows he’s got form and can make her own decisions from there

savethatkitty · 04/07/2022 11:32

Do it. Send her every single message or naughty picture he ever sent you. He should not get off scot free being a cheating, lying scumbag.

Ihatethenewlook · 04/07/2022 11:33

She definitely needs to know before she gets in any deeper with him

Mylifeinpart · 04/07/2022 11:35

Looking at his Instagram I have a video message from him being flirty in fact I have three on a day where she was at the same wedding. Clearly as his date. Yet he sneaked off to send me messages. This is helping yet more for me to see how trash he is. She looks very nice.

OP posts:
ShandaLear · 04/07/2022 11:36

I am a big fan of shining a light on crappy behaviour, and if it was me I would definitely want to be told. At least that way I’d have a fuller understanding of the kind of man I was with, and could make a fully informed decision about whether I wanted to continue the relationship. Hiding shitty behaviour only encourages the cheater to think they’ve got away with it and to do it to other people and continue making their lives shit too. So consider this a public service announcement. Send the message and screenshots to both him and her so he knows you’ve done it, and then block them and move on.

ShandaLear · 04/07/2022 11:37

And he’s probably sending you those messages from the toilet. Lovely!