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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is Instagram all seeking validation?

73 replies

BiFoldChampion · 03/07/2022 22:12

I used to Insta a lot…but recently I thought what am I seeking from Insta?

Ive been working on the concept of ‘seeking validation’ with my therapist and I’ve got it into my head that posting on Instagram is just people seeking validation? AIBu? Why do you post on Instagram?

everytime now I want to post/think about posting I don’t bother cos well why am I doing it?

also the validation piece runs very deep with me- changing my behaviours - seeking approval etc etc

insta is one small part.

OP posts:
SuperlativeOxymoron · 03/07/2022 22:18

I'm not sure to be honest. I used to post really often, and had over 1000 pictures on there, then went on an archive spree and reduced it down to less than 100 images. I now post very infrequently and they tend to be notable things (days out with certain people, events, milestones for ds etc) and even then sometimes don't bother. I don't use the story option very often.

I used to be hugely into posting on socials, sharing literally EVERYTHING, but I don't anymore, Facebook is just to remind me it's someone I'm not close to's birthday, twitter is silent and insta is updated maybe every few months... I think it's to do with that realisation that no-one else is as interested in you as you are... Well that's what did it for me.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 03/07/2022 22:21

I Instagram to keep a diary of my life. With songs. I lost my dad as a kid and I want my children to have something that can’t be stolen by relatives or lost and has my voice and tone and so they can have an understanding of who I am. Its to show who I am to them if maybe one day I can’t. My own mum doesn’t pass down stories of my dad, I’d love to have access to something like his Instagram (even though he died 30 years ago!)

court3 · 03/07/2022 23:57

Yep. Thats exactly what it is. Not to be rude but what did you think it was before you had this realisation ?

LarryBlackmonsCodpiece · 03/07/2022 23:59

same as facebook or any other social media platform, here as well, we’re looking for others to align ourselves with, validate our beliefs etc

brownwhisker · 04/07/2022 00:02

Windbeneathmybingowings · 03/07/2022 22:21

I Instagram to keep a diary of my life. With songs. I lost my dad as a kid and I want my children to have something that can’t be stolen by relatives or lost and has my voice and tone and so they can have an understanding of who I am. Its to show who I am to them if maybe one day I can’t. My own mum doesn’t pass down stories of my dad, I’d love to have access to something like his Instagram (even though he died 30 years ago!)

You did realise its very unlikely instagram will still be around in its current form in 30 years

ManateeFair · 04/07/2022 01:03

I think some people’s views on social media reveal an awful lot about the way they use social media themselves or the kinds of people they follow.

My Instagram is just pictures of things I think are nice or funny or visually interesting. Looking back at the most recent pictures I posted, they are of a bird on a fence, a snail, a curry, a creepy stairwell, some graffiti that says ‘Prince Andrew = nonce’, someone else’s dog, a thundercloud and some fungus. I don’t really follow anyone who posts show-offy pictures or loads of selfies.

NoiceToight · 04/07/2022 01:39

A lot of people post for validation, definitely. Everyone obviously has some reason for posting, although I am sure many don't even realise what their reasons for posting are.
I don't think validation is the only reason anyone posts though. Could be for sympathy, to try and make people jealous, for an ego boost/fishing for compliments, because they're lonely and have no one else to share the minutia of their day with, to promote their work, to communicate with friends or a specific community etc.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 04/07/2022 07:31

brownwhisker · 04/07/2022 00:02

You did realise its very unlikely instagram will still be around in its current form in 30 years

Show quote history

Maybe. Maybe not. Im covering all bases. I also print photos and put them in albums which is outdated and write letters. Egotistical, self indulgent and desperately seeing validation by some people standards im sure but I have two photos of my dad and can’t remember his voice so if there’s a way of saving all that with easy free access at the touch of a button and no backing up that cannot be stolen by a scheming aunt or cousin, im doing it.

Facebook legacy also exists for the same reason. It’s a thing.

Fairislefandango · 04/07/2022 07:37

A lot of it is presumably that. I use Instagram quite a lot, but only to follow accounts related to my interests. I very rarely post. For me, my Instagram feed is just a lovely stream of interesting stuff which gives me ideas. Nothing to do with validation. It's a tool. How you use it is up to you.

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 04/07/2022 07:38

Before this I never really thought about it, I guess just doing what loads of my friends and relatives do! Also with some relatives abroad it’s great seeing the kids/weddings etc

But now I see it for what it is and can’t be bothered but at the same time can’t believe that all these people I know are seeking validation?

OP posts:
Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 04/07/2022 07:40

NoiceToight · 04/07/2022 01:39

A lot of people post for validation, definitely. Everyone obviously has some reason for posting, although I am sure many don't even realise what their reasons for posting are.
I don't think validation is the only reason anyone posts though. Could be for sympathy, to try and make people jealous, for an ego boost/fishing for compliments, because they're lonely and have no one else to share the minutia of their day with, to promote their work, to communicate with friends or a specific community etc.

All those are connected to validation at their core

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letitgo · 04/07/2022 07:41

I'm the same as you I never really thought about it. I just jumped I the bandwagon signed up and posted away.

I am also becoming more mindful about posting. Partly because either I genuinely am seeking validation that I wasn't aware of but also because times are hard for a lot of people at the moment so do they really want to see my highlights?

I'm thinking if deleting them both but I really don't know if I can?!

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 04/07/2022 07:44

i love love love my Instagram. I love scrolling back and enjoying all the memories and the stories archives. I know all my followers fairly well. I post for myself. Like an online scrapbook. I love photos, taking them, printing them. Framing them. I have this idea that when the kids are in school I'll have time to do a photo book for each year and maybe some milestone ones for them.

Thoughtsarrivelikebutterflies5 · 04/07/2022 07:45

Mine is centred mostly around books.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 04/07/2022 07:46

I will say in spite of saying it's just for me, I'll sometimes be mindful of what I post incase it's showing off- like if we're in a gorgeous hotel. Or if we're away and one person couldn't make it.

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 04/07/2022 07:51

Some of my posts make me cringe! I guess though at times I was seeking support.

I have used it to share political/news matters but then I think am I again seeking validation because at their core what is it I’m seeking to gain?

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balalake · 04/07/2022 07:54

Companies see it as part of their marketing and information. I think you are right about most personal accounts.

megletthesecond · 04/07/2022 07:59

I've never posted on there but I do browse sometimes. It's very weird and "stepford wife" positive.
Give me messy FB and twitter instead.

PinguIglu · 04/07/2022 07:59

I like seeing pictures of friends and relatives who live far away. We aren’t in touch enough anymore to actually send photos - or with some cousins we never were that close to start with, but I still like knowing what is going on in their lives when it comes to big events, and they seem to like keeping up with me too (and I don’t post constantly, a couple of times a month if that).

It’s a good way to keep a diary. I have lost/broken several phones over the years that weren’t backed up, but my Instagram stays.

I’m not organised enough to print many photos at home but when I’m feeling nostalgic I can flick back through Instagram. If I think “what was I doing 4 years ago today?” I can look back. Probably not the exact day but maybe something from that month. I had a really horrendous year with bad mental health, and when I look back to activities I was doing with my children I feel really proud of myself that I was still managing to make it out and about! And it reminds me how far I have come.

The same with the early days with my DH, I like looking back at a few of the places we visited. Yes, I could keep a traditional written diary but I don’t want to. I would use this format even if no-one else saw it. My DC like looking back too.

However, others can see it, so I’d be lying if I pretended that there isn’t any element of “look at me” behind some posts. I was previously in a horrible marriage to a man who didn’t treat me well, who cheated, who told lies about me when we split. It was humiliating as well as heartbreaking at times.

I am, for example, friends with his sister on Instagram. The only reason for keeping her on there is because I want her to see how great my life is and how happy I am and treated well with my now DH 😳 Maybe that is not healthy but I take satisfaction in this, as she believed many of his lies at the time and was unpleasant. I take satisfaction in knowing it will get back to their family!

Also, this was all quite public (in real life) due to a smallish town and mutual friends. When I did first post a photo of me with my current husband, on holiday together, so so many people left lovely messages (on FB too) saying that were happy to see me so happy. A few messaged me privately. Several of these people I thought were in the camp of my ex, and some of the things in their messages made me realise they weren’t and they’d seem more of the truth after all. It was good for my confidence, I admit it.

It also makes me feel happy to see photos of others when they are happy, and celebrating milestone events in their lives. I like seeing new holiday destinations too, as I become interested in places I might not have considered 😎

coffeecupsandfairylights · 04/07/2022 07:59

Isn't all social media about validation in some way though?

MassiveSalad22 · 04/07/2022 08:03

YANBU I’ve realised this lately too. Someone I know posts the same stuff EVERY day - workout, dog walk, coffee and cake, my kids are amazing. But when you meet up in person she has a hard time with the kids and talks about how much drudgery it all is. It really made me question why I post myself! I stick to posting about crafts/art and the things I’ve bought from local or small businesses. I used to post lots about parenting (lots being a few times a week) because we went somewhere fun or did something interesting or I found something that engages the kids for a while. But realised I probably just looked super smug or fishing for validation, so I’ve stopped.

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 04/07/2022 08:04

PinguIglu · 04/07/2022 07:59

I like seeing pictures of friends and relatives who live far away. We aren’t in touch enough anymore to actually send photos - or with some cousins we never were that close to start with, but I still like knowing what is going on in their lives when it comes to big events, and they seem to like keeping up with me too (and I don’t post constantly, a couple of times a month if that).

It’s a good way to keep a diary. I have lost/broken several phones over the years that weren’t backed up, but my Instagram stays.

I’m not organised enough to print many photos at home but when I’m feeling nostalgic I can flick back through Instagram. If I think “what was I doing 4 years ago today?” I can look back. Probably not the exact day but maybe something from that month. I had a really horrendous year with bad mental health, and when I look back to activities I was doing with my children I feel really proud of myself that I was still managing to make it out and about! And it reminds me how far I have come.

The same with the early days with my DH, I like looking back at a few of the places we visited. Yes, I could keep a traditional written diary but I don’t want to. I would use this format even if no-one else saw it. My DC like looking back too.

However, others can see it, so I’d be lying if I pretended that there isn’t any element of “look at me” behind some posts. I was previously in a horrible marriage to a man who didn’t treat me well, who cheated, who told lies about me when we split. It was humiliating as well as heartbreaking at times.

I am, for example, friends with his sister on Instagram. The only reason for keeping her on there is because I want her to see how great my life is and how happy I am and treated well with my now DH 😳 Maybe that is not healthy but I take satisfaction in this, as she believed many of his lies at the time and was unpleasant. I take satisfaction in knowing it will get back to their family!

Also, this was all quite public (in real life) due to a smallish town and mutual friends. When I did first post a photo of me with my current husband, on holiday together, so so many people left lovely messages (on FB too) saying that were happy to see me so happy. A few messaged me privately. Several of these people I thought were in the camp of my ex, and some of the things in their messages made me realise they weren’t and they’d seem more of the truth after all. It was good for my confidence, I admit it.

It also makes me feel happy to see photos of others when they are happy, and celebrating milestone events in their lives. I like seeing new holiday destinations too, as I become interested in places I might not have considered 😎

Thanks for sharing @PinguIglu it probably is unhealthy re: your ex but you’ll let go when you’re ready. I’d be the opposite and not want them to see/ or anyone connected to them as it’d be like they still had a hold over me or I still cared.

it is nice to see old posts come up e.g today a girl’s weekend away last year (rare due to covid). I would have probably forgotten it was now unless I looked back over my photos in my phone. Which I do do a lot but they only go back to 2015.

OP posts:
MassiveSalad22 · 04/07/2022 08:06

Also I may get flamed for this but I am fucking sick of everyone having something to say about all the horrid issues in the world, and I’ve seen so many people commenting on businesses’ pages ‘why haven’t you posted about abortion/Ukraine’ etc. Why would a cake sprinkle company need to comment on these?? We can all just assume everyone thinks they’re awful, surely. Why do we need to post our opinion on every issue for fear of it being assumed we agree with these terrible things?? Insanity!

Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 04/07/2022 08:06

It really is all validation - part of my therapy is ‘showing up in the here and now, being me’ and I guess social media fuels what you want people to see you as rather than who you are.

I remember one Uni friend saying you’re a right Judith Chalmers always travelling but putting it in context they travelled more than me. It just seemed like a travelled more because I put it all on Facebook!

OP posts:
Original poster
BiFoldChampion · 04/07/2022 08:08

MassiveSalad22 · 04/07/2022 08:06

Also I may get flamed for this but I am fucking sick of everyone having something to say about all the horrid issues in the world, and I’ve seen so many people commenting on businesses’ pages ‘why haven’t you posted about abortion/Ukraine’ etc. Why would a cake sprinkle company need to comment on these?? We can all just assume everyone thinks they’re awful, surely. Why do we need to post our opinion on every issue for fear of it being assumed we agree with these terrible things?? Insanity!

This is crazy on LinkedIn (which I have to use for business but once again I cringe at it) but everyone is posting about Roe vs Wade, Pride, Ukraine etc

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