AIBU to be hurt by this comment?

[Autistic]

Firstly, I’ve name changed for this in case it is outing but I’m a regular poster. The content of my post may be distressing for anyone with autism/ADHD or another neurodevelopmental disorder.

In the last couple of months I’ve been diagnosed with autism and my partner has recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

I am just finishing a course in veterinary medicine and my partner has a stable job that pays well in a scientific field.

We are early-mid 20s and I was chatting to a friend and mentioned the next car I get would be a 5 door with a big boot as I’d like the space for a dog and easy access for a car seat. I said I planned to keep the car for a good few years so at least 8 years as long as it was in working order.

My friend then replied that she was shocked that I would think it was okay to have children “with our genes” and the “obvious likelihood that we would have a disabled child”. I completely appreciate that it’s something to consider but we aren’t even thinking about children for another 4 years or so.

I replied that having children is a bit of a genetic lottery for everyone and hopefully I’d be able to equip them with coping skills and I’d love them regardless. She then made a comment about their life not being worthwhile if they had the same conditions as us and said it would be cruel. She also said that social services will be notified as soon as I inform my midwife of a pregnancy.

I honestly can’t see that being the case considering we’re both deemed capable enough to be dealing with chemicals/surgery/drugs etc in work so we aren’t a risk to others. Even if SS were involved it would surely just be to check I was coping and then they’d move on?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this? I know we are disabled and it’s made life harder for both of us but I think we’ve done okay in the end!

I’m now worried it would be irresponsible for us to have children. This is the same friend that told me I “didn’t look autistic” and wouldn’t gain anything from a diagnosis.

I did ask her if something about the topic of children had upset her but she denied it. I was worried she was maybe having worries about fertility herself. She’s always said she’d like children at 30 so we’re about 5 years away from that. I’d hate to think I had upset her but I’m actually upset by her comments.

Sorry for making it so long, I really could have condensed that a bit 😅

She’s talking utter bollocks, and I would distance yourself from her….she sounds like the type of person who would report you to SS

She isn’t a friend.

She's not a friend to you.

You shouldn't be upset because she isn't the kind of person whose opinions deserve any respect , but I can see why you are upset , that's just horrible

Firstly, SS would not be remotely interested in either of you. Secondly, this person is not your friend. Cut them off.

Is she an escaped eugenicist or something? She sounds very disturbed. I don't think theres any coming back from that and would cut her off immediately.

Is she a friend? Really? I just question if you need that kind of negativity around you. I’m not saying we don’t all need a dose of straight talking from time to time but to come out with something like that unprompted feels purposefully nasty.

does she have many positive traits that balance out this tendency to blurt out whatever crap is swilling round her brain?

She's horrible. Of course your feelings are valid. She needs to read up on the neurodiversity movement.

She's effectively said she doesn't think YOUR life isn't worthwhile, of course YNBU to be upset by this.
It can only be slightly tempered by the fact she probably hasn't thought about it in those terms and it comes from massive unconscious prejudice.
Or she's simply nasty and vindictive.

Either way not a friend I'd want

Awful comment. Your life isn’t worth any less because you aren’t neurotypical. It sounds like you handled it brilliantly OP.

Ignorant twunt

Thank you @JinxandBinx
Would they take a report seriously?

I’ll admit that I don’t know a lot about social services in children although I have completed some training that covered the link between animal abuse in the home and child abuse in the home and how to spot the signs.

Unfortunately, people get away with a lot when it comes to animals and I hope it isn’t the same with regards to children but surely just existing as an autistic person is not cause for real concern?

I would embrace and try any support offered and use it if needed but I can’t imagine I would. I’ve looked after my niece a lot, including for 2 weeks in the past when she was 6 months old. I had a lovely time! Her mum had to go on a non-negotiable work trip out of the country and obviously trusted me to care for her.

I appreciate some aspects of parenting may be harder for me but that won’t automatically make me bad.

Who is this woman with views like this? Ditch her immediately and pay no attention to her words at all, they have no basis whatsoever. I would like to say they are out of date but frankly I don't even think they are that. Just horrible.

Ps social services would not be interested and neither would your midwife.

Thank you everyone!

We’ve been friends 15 years and she’s never said anything like this before. I was really shocked to be honest.

This woman is absolutely not your friend. She sounds incredibly ignorant and toxic

I can assure you, the thought of referring to SS, would not enter a MW 's or HV' s mind, in those circumstances. Your friend is at best ignorant and likely toxic. Fast forward 5 years. Would she be supportive if you are pregnant and sharing in your joy? If you did have a child who had significant needs, would she be a supportive friend and adore your child? I suspect not. Who needs friends like her?

Friend, you say? That's no friend.

The ironic thing is that one of the reasons I actually sought a diagnosis was I hoped it would help my future children!

I flew under the radar as I was bright and enthusiastic and didn’t inconvenience anyone. I thought if my children were similar my diagnosis may help them get their own support.

I considered they’d be like me and that they might need extra help.

She’s not your friend. She’s just threatened to notify social services if you get pregnant! I wouldn’t speak to her ever again.

The question is though, why have you felt the need to announce your autism diagnosis to all and sundry? Speaking as an autistic person myself it just leads to discrimination. I recommend keeping it private on a need-to-know basis.

What a horrendous human being she is. I'd bin her, there are many aspects of autism that I totally love in my son such as an intense sense of right and wrong, an honesty that is just so refreshing and often hysterically funny.

She's an awful human being, please don't take anything she says literally.

@Suddha I’m really sorry it’s lead to discrimination for you.

She knows as we’ve been friends since we were kids. It’s also on my GP file as the psychiatrist sent them a letter.

Other than that, only family knows. I was planning to tell work, would you suggest I didn’t?

I needed to mention it here for context.

I would tell work if you need to access reasonable adjustments for your disability. Otherwise I wouldn’t tell them. Discrimination shouldn’t happen but it does. People make judgments like “we can’t promote her to manager because autistic people aren’t good at talking to others”, “we should probably assign her to a non client facing role because autism means she can’t relate to people”. Etc.

Bitch. My DH and I have no family history of ASD, ADHD or anything else actually and we have a child with ASD and a genetic blood disorder.

@Autistic No they wouldn’t take a report seriously if the only reason for the report is saying you are autistic and your parter has ADHD. And the midwives would not do a report to SS for these reasons alone