AIBU to be hurt by this comment?

[Autistic]

Firstly, I’ve name changed for this in case it is outing but I’m a regular poster. The content of my post may be distressing for anyone with autism/ADHD or another neurodevelopmental disorder.

In the last couple of months I’ve been diagnosed with autism and my partner has recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

I am just finishing a course in veterinary medicine and my partner has a stable job that pays well in a scientific field.

We are early-mid 20s and I was chatting to a friend and mentioned the next car I get would be a 5 door with a big boot as I’d like the space for a dog and easy access for a car seat. I said I planned to keep the car for a good few years so at least 8 years as long as it was in working order.

My friend then replied that she was shocked that I would think it was okay to have children “with our genes” and the “obvious likelihood that we would have a disabled child”. I completely appreciate that it’s something to consider but we aren’t even thinking about children for another 4 years or so.

I replied that having children is a bit of a genetic lottery for everyone and hopefully I’d be able to equip them with coping skills and I’d love them regardless. She then made a comment about their life not being worthwhile if they had the same conditions as us and said it would be cruel. She also said that social services will be notified as soon as I inform my midwife of a pregnancy.

I honestly can’t see that being the case considering we’re both deemed capable enough to be dealing with chemicals/surgery/drugs etc in work so we aren’t a risk to others. Even if SS were involved it would surely just be to check I was coping and then they’d move on?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this? I know we are disabled and it’s made life harder for both of us but I think we’ve done okay in the end!

I’m now worried it would be irresponsible for us to have children. This is the same friend that told me I “didn’t look autistic” and wouldn’t gain anything from a diagnosis.

I did ask her if something about the topic of children had upset her but she denied it. I was worried she was maybe having worries about fertility herself. She’s always said she’d like children at 30 so we’re about 5 years away from that. I’d hate to think I had upset her but I’m actually upset by her comments.

So sorry @Autistic but that is hard core Nazi ideology, I would keep as far away as possible.

She is talking rubbish - social services have enough to do without an assessing the parenting capacity of everyone who is neuro diverse! Also please remember that the vast majority of adults with asd (especially women) are undiagnosed and have never had issues with social services.

So if your friend made a referral on the basis of her concernsabout parental asd/adhd she will not be taken seriously.
And I have worked in that area for many years.
Yes, there is a strong likely hood that your children will be neuro diverse, same as a significant proportion of the overall population. But you also have an understanding and the capacity to support.
And as you have outlined you are clearly resourceful and focused and there is a strong likely hood that apart from neurodiversity your children will inherit academic ability /intelligence.
Your friend seems to have some clear deficits in that department.

She’s not a friend and she’s not very intelligent, either.

If you have any sense whatsoever you will immediately cut this viper out of your life. She is no friend of yours, and I wonder if there have been other signs that you may have missed up until now. Quite often we overlook things in our friendships until one day something really outrageous is done or said.

What she said is reprehensible and 100% unforgivable.

@DaphneMoonsSeattle

Exactly! These things can happen to anyone and I bet you love him unconditionally and he brings so much joy to your lives that the hard times are worth it?

I just can’t understand her logic as children are such a blessing and she knows how I’ve always wanted to be a mum. My formal diagnosis doesn’t change the genetics of my future children. They still would’ve had autism/ADHD (or they wouldn’t) and a letter from a doctor won’t change that.

I hoped my diagnosis would only give me extra time to consider how I may need to support them. But ultimately they will be their own person and even if they have the same condition(s) as us, they won’t be the same as us. They will have different interests, different struggles and different support needs. But we would do our best to ensure their lives are the best they can be.

@Aquamarine1029
I think you and previous posters are right. I certainly wouldn’t trust her with any children of mine after this so I suppose that’s the friendship over.

I mentioned it to my mum and she said she’s probably jealous of how far I’ve come in life despite facing challenges. She also said I was often an easier child than my neurotypical siblings other than my rigid food preferences and wanting to know ‘why’ all of the time.

My ‘friend’ stayed in the village she grew up in and didn’t do A levels or go to university but she has a house, a boyfriend and a job she enjoys. She has always spoken about any worries she’s having and she hasn’t mentioned anything recently. In fact, she got a big promotion recently. I made sure to send a card and some flowers to congratulate her! I always make sure to celebrate everything with her.

But, you’re all right that even if she is hurt by something, it doesn’t excuse her awful comments.

I am an (now ex) social worker that had ADHD and Autism, also dyslexia and dyspraxia too.

Wonder what she’d make of me? 😂

Your friends comments were evil tbh

don’t get me wrong, I can understand natural selection and not wanting to bring a child into the world who will be suffering due to a severe disability

but that doesn’t seem to be the case with you/your partner as you lead fulfilling/rich/abundant lives regardless yourselves

She’s extremely ignorant and wrong, and also extremely nasty.

"She then made a comment about their life not being worthwhile if they had the same conditions as us"

She's wrong, and she's no friend. You're absolutely justified to be upset by this. Cut her out and live your happy and successful life.

I wouldn't speak to her again if I were you, she's shown herself for what she really is and it's ugly all the way through.

Her problem, not yours. Put it down to the mystery that is human nature and don't worry about it!

She sounds deeply jealous of your success. Very unpleasant thing to say and absolutely untrue. Stop giving her any headspace and certainly stop worrying about you causing her offence.

Congratulations on all your success.

She is not a friend. She's a vile SHIT who has no idea what she's talking about! If you never speak to her again it will be too soon!

Live your life, be happy and don't let anyone stop you from doing what you want to do.

Unbelievable, that is no friend. Don't waste your time on arseholes.

@Lachimolala That’s really reassuring! It proves she’s talking bollocks

@blugray Thank you. I understand it too. If we were aware we were carriers of a condition that was incompatible with life/ we believed a child couldn’t have a happy life (I won’t give a condition as an example as everyone will have different thresholds and I don’t want to accidentally hurt anyone if I mention a condition I am not properly educated on) then we would look at other options such as IVF, sperm/egg donation.

We would even look into adoption I think but I completely appreciate that is not the easy process that the media portrays it as. We would only want to act in the best interest of the children and I know they would need an abundance of support and unconditional love and we might not be able to provide everything they need. We would always listen to the professionals.

I’ve actually thought a lot about the responsibilities of a parent and we aren’t even thinking about having a child soon. Hopefully the understanding of neurodiversity only increases and the world will be a little bit easier for my children.

What a nasty bitch. She isn't your friend. I'd drop her like a hot stone.

Thank you everyone!

When she first said it, my initial instinct was to go absolutely nuclear but I replied calmly instead and thought maybe I’d misunderstood/she was right. It left a really bad taste in my mouth hence posting here.

If the tables were turned and I was concerned/thought like her I’d say nothing. If she was then pregnant I’d offer support (but I’d do that for any new mum regardless!) and only say something if I saw evidence of her struggling. It would come from a kind place and I’d offer to come to a support group with her or help her speak to her GP, not how she worded it.

She didn’t need to say anything. We’re years away from starting a family and we could change our minds in that time or may struggle to conceive. I can see now it absolutely did not need to be said and my first instinct was correct.

Not wrong at all to be hurt by your "friends" comments.
She is very ignorant, autistic people are some of the most genuine, honest and intelligent people around! Diversity is good
Agree that a genetic condition that is very difficult to live with has to be considered more carefully but very insensitive of her.

@Autistic She really is talking bollocks, ND is not a barrier to parenthood and if it was somehow having a profound and detrimental effect on you then you would absolutely be supported in this. But in my personal and professional experience struggle only really happens when a parent is undiagnosed eg managing child behaviour, organisational skill, timekeeping etc.

Both me and my two siblings are all ND and have 6 children between us, only one child is ND. So it’s not like it’s catching lol 😆

To echo PP this woman is not your friend, slowly cut her out and focus on other more supportive friendships.

I have ADHD and a wonderful relationship with my children! I'm a disaster in the kitchen, I lose everything, forget everything am extremely emotional, but I'm bloody good at parenting! It's the only thing I feel proud of! She sounds like a bitch and you sound lovely, please get this toxic waste of space out of your life! x

@Stroopwaffle5000 lovely to read that ❤️

Find a less foul friend. 💐

@Lachimolala
Thank you! That honestly means the world to me.
I’ve always coped well caring for my niece and I really enjoy it. Being around her makes me feel alive in a completely different way! The world is so fascinating through a young child’s eyes and I love seeing her face light up at something simple
like bubbles or a butterfly.

We once sat for 45 minutes watching a squirrel in the park. She was completely enthralled. It was so lovely just to slow down and soak everything in. I always feel better after caring for her. Her mum works hard and we were going to potentially have her 1-2 afternoons and 1 night a week to help her out. She obviously thinks I’m capable.

I know parenting will be hard and being able to hand little one back after a day or two isn’t an option when you’re mum but my niece makes me burst with pride so I’m sure I’ll feel that x2 for my own kids.

@Stroopwaffle5000

Thank you so much! You’ve made me feel a lot better.

She can fuck off with that bullshit. She isn't a friend to you. I'd step right back. Infuriating woman.