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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be hurt by this comment?

76 replies

Autistic · 03/07/2022 12:21

Firstly, I’ve name changed for this in case it is outing but I’m a regular poster. The content of my post may be distressing for anyone with autism/ADHD or another neurodevelopmental disorder.

In the last couple of months I’ve been diagnosed with autism and my partner has recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

I am just finishing a course in veterinary medicine and my partner has a stable job that pays well in a scientific field.

We are early-mid 20s and I was chatting to a friend and mentioned the next car I get would be a 5 door with a big boot as I’d like the space for a dog and easy access for a car seat. I said I planned to keep the car for a good few years so at least 8 years as long as it was in working order.

My friend then replied that she was shocked that I would think it was okay to have children “with our genes” and the “obvious likelihood that we would have a disabled child”. I completely appreciate that it’s something to consider but we aren’t even thinking about children for another 4 years or so.

I replied that having children is a bit of a genetic lottery for everyone and hopefully I’d be able to equip them with coping skills and I’d love them regardless. She then made a comment about their life not being worthwhile if they had the same conditions as us and said it would be cruel. She also said that social services will be notified as soon as I inform my midwife of a pregnancy.

I honestly can’t see that being the case considering we’re both deemed capable enough to be dealing with chemicals/surgery/drugs etc in work so we aren’t a risk to others. Even if SS were involved it would surely just be to check I was coping and then they’d move on?

Am I being unreasonable to be upset by this? I know we are disabled and it’s made life harder for both of us but I think we’ve done okay in the end!

I’m now worried it would be irresponsible for us to have children. This is the same friend that told me I “didn’t look autistic” and wouldn’t gain anything from a diagnosis.

I did ask her if something about the topic of children had upset her but she denied it. I was worried she was maybe having worries about fertility herself. She’s always said she’d like children at 30 so we’re about 5 years away from that. I’d hate to think I had upset her but I’m actually upset by her comments.

OP posts:
ddl1 · 03/07/2022 14:02

Very ignorant and very rude. Apart from anything else, anyone who can say 'You don't look autistic' doesn't know the first thing about autism, or, probably, about neurodivergence in general.

HereIAmBrainTheSizeOfAPlanet · 03/07/2022 14:02

She also said that social services will be notified as soon as I inform my midwife of a pregnancy

This is a lie. You're not automatically referred to social services just because you're ND.
If you've been involved with SS before or have had severe mental health problems you might.
Your friend isn't a friend. She's a sad pathetic bitch. Bin her.

Original poster
Autistic · 03/07/2022 14:11

@ddl1

You’re right. She probably thinks all autistic people love trains and don’t feel empathy.

Thinking back, she did laugh at me for signing myself up to a baby first aid course before having my niece overnight for the first time. She said it was overkill. I went anyway. Thankfully I’ve never needed it but I’d never forgive myself if I did need it and I’d listened to her and not gone. I was already first aid trained but I wanted to refresh and learn pediatric first aid just incase.

If I look back in our friendship I will probably notice more red flags.

OP posts:
mrsbitaly · 03/07/2022 14:13

What the actual fuck 😳 Sorry I rarely swear but what an absolute horrid person to say that to you. I would be bloody livid - I actually am for you!

It's sounds like you have both achieved so much and haven't let your disability define you. Yes there is a chance just as there is a chance for someone who doesn't have the medical history you have. Just ignore ridiculous comments like that you do your thing and keep your head high.

I'm sure when the time comes you will be able to use your knowledge and experience to support your child no matter if they are born needing additional help or not.

Genuinely I can't believe it, some people are just plain cruel. Sending hugs to you 🤗

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 03/07/2022 14:14

4th generation in a family with autism and ADHD here - I'd probably have said something very very expressive.
You (and your future children) do not need her in your life.

Bunce1 · 03/07/2022 14:17

Your friend doesn’t sound very clever.

WeeOrcadian · 03/07/2022 14:29

Friend? She's fucking horrible and I'd be blocking her, sharpish.

I'm not surprised you're upset, vile comments, nasty person.

Original poster
Autistic · 03/07/2022 14:29

@mrsbitaly Thank you so much!

@Prokupatuscrakedatus I very nearly told her what she said was disgusting but I think I was so shocked that I replied to her really calmly.

Autism makes things harder for me but it has never stopped me doing anything. I love to travel for example, I get all excited, book a holiday and then once it’s booked I worry about it! I find the day before really difficult and I always have a meltdown. I try to pack a week or so in advance as I know I’ll be full of nerves. Once I’m on the way I’m fine. I get the same nerves on the way home and the final day is often a write off but I still enjoy the days in between! To combat this I always leave first thing on day 1 of the holiday and late on the final day. It means only the final day of the holiday is ‘ruined’ in anyway. The rest of the stress comes the day before.

I think it’s because I build everything about the holiday up and hope it will be perfect but of course nothing is perfect! It’s something I know I need to work on.

I also struggled a lot with food as a child. I now eat a more diverse selection than my siblings. I made an effort to try a couple of new foods a week with no pressure at all to like them. I’d simply serve them as a side dish with a safe food. If I liked it, great! If I didn’t, there was no problem.

I know life has been harder in some ways but my life is still worth it.

OP posts:
SheepingStandingUp · 03/07/2022 14:39

She then made a comment about their life not being worthwhile if they had the same conditions as us and said it would be cruel. so your life isn't worthwhile? She wouldn't be my friend for much longer.

blubberyboo · 03/07/2022 14:50

Ditch this person from your life, she only keeps you around to make her feel better about herself and wants to put you down.
she’s not a friend and I imagine she would spend your whole future pregnancies being negative about your parenting or genes , or worse, maliciously reporting you to SS

Original poster
Autistic · 03/07/2022 14:57

@SheepingStandingUp That’s certainly what she insinuated.

It’s ridiculous. A neurotypical couple could have a child and pay them no attention, not provide any support and that child would suffer despite being neurotypical themselves. It could lead to severe mental health issues that cause way more pain than autism in a supportive home. Another child may develop mental health issues despite having a loving childhood.

I don’t believe any parent is perfect and lots will leave kids with something to talk about in therapy but that doesn’t make them inherently bad. It’s all about doing your best in my eyes. And I think most adults would benefit from therapy regardless.

You just can’t predict so many aspects of parenting. Any child could have health issues, it’s about doing your best to support the child.

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 03/07/2022 15:10

She sounds jealous and resentful of you. She purposely tried to hurt you and lied to you because she knows that would make you anxious. Some people really get off on hurting others. It’s not a mistake or a temporary reaction to something in their own life - they genuinely get a kick out of hurting people.

Don’t ever speak to her or interact with her again, would be my advice.

Original poster
Autistic · 03/07/2022 15:31

@BreatheAndFocus Even more disgusting when you put it like that :(

I think I’ll stop interacting with her completely. Thankfully she isn’t part of a wider circle so if I ditch her it doesn’t make it awkward for my other friends. We don’t have any mutual friends, to be honest she doesn’t have many friends…

OP posts:
PuckeredArseFace · 03/07/2022 15:53

She is, what we called in the old days a fucking cow
Ignore
And
Dump
You taking a first aid course is just bloody brilliant btw, we all should do it

DariaMorgendorffer · 03/07/2022 16:06

What an offensive cow. Pay no heed, op, and don't spend any more time with her. She's no friend. You sound lovely Flowers

camdenl · 03/07/2022 16:17

HereIAmBrainTheSizeOfAPlanet · 03/07/2022 14:02

She also said that social services will be notified as soon as I inform my midwife of a pregnancy

This is a lie. You're not automatically referred to social services just because you're ND.
If you've been involved with SS before or have had severe mental health problems you might.
Your friend isn't a friend. She's a sad pathetic bitch. Bin her.

Oh wow. That sounds like a threat then, as in the friend will report to social services herself

ScottishBeth · 03/07/2022 16:18

@Autistic what your friend said was really horrible, and I'm not surprised you were hurt by it.

And you sound very thoughtful and lovely.

teenagerinlove · 03/07/2022 16:18

OP you sound lovely and you sound like you will make a wonderful parent - you've clearly put a lot of thought into it already, which is more than a lot of people can say!

To echo other posters, your 'friend' sound awful. I hope you can distance yourself from her.

Nonicknamesleft · 03/07/2022 19:36

I'm absolutely astonished by what's been said to you. Can only echo what all PPs here have written, namely that you sound thoughtful and pretty wonderful, and your hopefully by now former friend sounds venal and insane. I'm sure social services have plenty of experience in dealing with vexatious reports from idiots so don't give that a second thought.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/07/2022 19:41

You're not angry enough OP...she basically said your life is pointless! What an absolute bitch

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 03/07/2022 19:57

She sounds jealous of you and is very nastily trying To bring you down. She’s no friend.

romdowa · 03/07/2022 20:08

I've asd and adhd and we'll as physical medical conditions. I also had a baby last year and not once have I had social services involved in anyway. Hospital , gp and hv knew my medical history and nobody batted an eyelid. My baby is happy , healthy and well taken care of. Completely crazy to suggest that you shouldn't have children and if any one suggested I've been cruel to have a child then I'd go nuclear.

Loics · 03/07/2022 20:14

I have ASD and ADHD, I don't consider it a disability and it won't stop me doing things in life, how rude for her to suggest it should. More than rude, I would seriously consider cutting her off if she were my friend.
Both of my parents are NT, DP is NT, one of our kids is autistic and one isn't. We still plan on having a third. It is a lottery, and there's nothing at all wrong with ND having children.

bloodyunicorns · 03/07/2022 20:32

She's no friends, and what she said was really awful. Unforgivable. And wrong!

ThePumpkinPatch · 03/07/2022 22:36

As a parent of a child with Autism I echo everyone else's fury. However I think you should confront her and put her in her place. Make it abundantly clear that you know social services won't bat an eyelash, let alone an eyelid, at a new mother with ASD. Take the wind out of her sails and disarm her. Take the kick she gets when she thinks of how much she hurt you - take that from her, by making it clear you know better.

Then block, avoid & wipe your hands of her completely