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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my fiancé Bi

53 replies

loveyababesx · 03/07/2022 10:32

Hello, needed to talk to someone about this as don't really want to speak to my friends about it. My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years. He's quite camp and effeminate, but that's never bothered me as it makes him more fun. At the start I asked him if he's ever been with a man/sexual orientation as I was curious & he said he never has he's 100% straight, so left it at that. I found a letter from his ex girlfriend one day when I was looking for a notepad in his office draw & it said something about being upset about finding messages between him & another guy (who is one of his Friends who is gay) This made me feel a bit weird as I was like what on earth are the messages! I asked him about it and he said it must have been because he was bitching about her, so left it again. He's never really hung out with this gay friend whilst I've been there so always thought it was weird I had never met him before. So I finally met him this weekend and he told me that him & my fiancé used to snog on nights out coz no one fancied them so they would kiss each other then he said "everyone was fluid back then" this made me feel so uncomfortable & awkward & throughout the night kept saying stuff like well you're not a straight man to him - also made me feel uncomfortable. Anyway had to laugh along and pretend it was the most hilarious thing ever (inside wanted to cry) as soon as we got in the taxi I asked him about it, he got so defensive and was like IT WAS ONE TIME IN A CLUB AS A LAUGH. Now, to me used to on nights out doesn't strike me as one time in a club and I said to him why did you lie and say you've never been with a man & he said it didn't count as it was a laugh. I've been sitting on it and picturing him kissing men and it's making me feel so weird (I have nothing against gay/bisexual men by the way I have a gay best friend) it's just the fact he's lied about it to me. I obviously know he fancies me, but he's never like want to rip your clothes off let's try some wild stuff in the bedroom. He's still saying it was one time & I think I will never know the truth unless I outright ask his friend about it. Shall I just put it to bed & just accept it was 15 years ago at uni and he was having fun? Part of me wants to look through his phone at the messages between him and this guy as it's the only way I'll know. We're getting married in December and I want to know the full truth before. Maybe he is telling the truth and I'm just paranoid? Helppppp

OP posts:
Mangogogogo · 03/07/2022 10:39

Sorry but this does come across like you have a problem that it’s men. My ex is bi and his exes are his exes, male or female. I didn’t ruminate and ‘feel weird’ that he’s shagged blokes.

quite possible he lied because you were being weird about it? People who are bi tend to be less open and out than gay or straight people purely because biphobia is rife in both communities. It’s a massive problem

Momicrone · 03/07/2022 10:42

The fact that he lied to you is most concerning, why not be open about it?

lolil · 03/07/2022 10:46

Momicrone · 03/07/2022 10:42

The fact that he lied to you is most concerning, why not be open about it?

Presumably because he knew how OP would react. Imaging feeling weird about something like that.

Original poster
loveyababesx · 03/07/2022 10:52

@Mangogogogo I never once said it would have been a problem to him. He's very open and his family are very open so he would never be the type to not be gay/Bi if he was. It's more the fact he is lying/has lied about it. Were meant to be getting married and I think this is pretty important information. I know exes are exes and being bi doesn't mean he's going to go sleeping with men. This is just the way I feel & it doesn’t make me a bad person, it’s just my preference

OP posts:
balalake · 03/07/2022 10:52

Someone can have had a same sex experience once in the past, and would never want it again. Preferences can change over time.

seemsikeaniceday · 03/07/2022 10:56

I disagree, it sounds like deep down you sense a red flag that he is gay/bi and at some point in the future he is going to hurt you. Sadly, I know more than one gay man that got married, had kids and then came out as gay. Devastating for the wives as it felt like their whole relationships had been built on a lie.

You need to establish is his friend being mischievous or is he suppressing/denying his sexuality. Talk to him and tell him about your concerns for your relationship long term.

Vikinga · 03/07/2022 10:59

It sounds like he's bi. I've never felt the urge to snog my female friends because there was noone to fancy on a night out because I'm straight.

But people can be quite judgemental so maybe that's why he doesn't talk about it. Tbh it is his business. If he loves you and is faithful to you and you have a great relationship that's all that matters.

whatsgoingon101 · 03/07/2022 11:04

To be honest, it sounds like you've know for a while that there's something there in terms of him being bi/gay.

If you were 100% sure he was straight it wouldn't get to you. If it was me I'd need to find out! Ask the friend. Better now than 10 years down the line when you're married with kids!

HiccoughPanda · 03/07/2022 11:08

I'm inclined to believe that the gay friend has a thing for your fiancé? It sounds like they snogged once and it didn't mean anything to your fiancé but it did to his friend.
The "friend" has clearly wrecked one relationship between fiancé and his ex, so he's been keeping you away from the "friend" because he's worried.
Obviously I might be completely wrong, but reading your original post that is the conclusion I came to immediately.

HiccoughPanda · 03/07/2022 11:13

@Vikinga ah right, so because you've never snogged a mate for a laugh it's never ever happened to anyone else ever?!
It sounds like it happened a long time ago (we've no idea how old they were) on a night out when they were drunk. Hardly a big deal that defines someone's sexuality and sets it in stone for life.
@whatsgoingon101 I don't see why OP should trust the word of shit-stirring "friend" she has only met once over that of her fiancé?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/07/2022 11:16

Why are you so fixated on this. It happened 15 years ago. If I were him I would be asking you why you had read a personal letter even if it was there in the open, why you started interrogating him the minute his friend was gone, in a taxi no less you couldn't even wait until you got home. Does he love you, do you love him, do you trust him, do you see your future with him. If the answer to these questions is yes, then drop it and get on with your relationship. You have no rights to know what relationship he had 15 years ago.

Dancinginthedark01 · 03/07/2022 11:18

He may well be bi so I suppose you have to consider if it worries you that he might have lied.

You already suspected though didn’t you as you had asked him. Also you chose a man who in your words is camp and effeminate.

Original poster
loveyababesx · 03/07/2022 11:20

@HiccoughPanda it did annoy me a little bit how he came out with it straight away & then kept joking how he wasn’t straight. Even if he is Bi, I think it’s a bit insensitive of him to say stuff like that to me when he’s never met me. Like we’re getting married and he’s with me now. everyone has a past, but even if it he was a girl and she kept saying they got together that would bother me too, like if I used to get with my friend back in the day and the first time she met my fiancé she/he talked about how we always used to get together that would be so weird.

I have always had a feeling, but I think it being confirmed that he has got with men made me feel weird that he lied about it. I think if he was open in the beginning it wouldn't bother me.

We do have an amazing relationship & I don't think he is gay as he wouldn't be with me. Why would he want to marry me if he wanted to be with a man. He's the type of person that just would be gay if he was if that makes sense. He wouldn't have to hide it from his family and friends as they are all very open and fine with things like that.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 03/07/2022 11:22

He's gay. Leave. It's best for you.
Look up the word 'beard'.

Original poster
loveyababesx · 03/07/2022 11:24

@sweeneytoddsrazor it was in a notepad actually. A notepad I was using so I couldn’t exactly miss it. Yes and as I’ve said before that doesn’t bother me that he is camp why would I be with him if it did? I just don’t like lying. And if it was 15 years ago why did this friend proceed to talk about it at a dinner party and then keep telling me my fiancé isn’t a straight man. There is no need to be so rude

OP posts:
orbitalcrisis · 03/07/2022 11:36

If he never mentioned it it sounds like he might be embarrassed because it ISN'T what he's in to and he didn't want you to think it is. My father is very camp and not in any way attracted to men, some men are camp.

xyzabchij · 03/07/2022 11:37

Just because his friends and family would be fine with it doesn't mean he's come to terms with it personally. I'd be concerned about whether he was making the right choice with me. And I agree it's weird his friend felt the need to discuss their history in-front of you.

2bazookas · 03/07/2022 11:39

He lied to you.

Worse than that, rather than coming clean in a private,, he introduced you to the gay man he's "been fluid with" in order to expose you to the horrible experience of letting the other man break the news to you. In public. As if it's trivial, as if it's a joke. He had obviously primed the man to gaslight you. What a despicable coward to put you through that.

Don't marry him Not because of his past sexual history. Because of his current, present-day dishonesty and disrespect for you.

PinkButtercups · 03/07/2022 11:41

Mangogogogo · 03/07/2022 10:39

Sorry but this does come across like you have a problem that it’s men. My ex is bi and his exes are his exes, male or female. I didn’t ruminate and ‘feel weird’ that he’s shagged blokes.

quite possible he lied because you were being weird about it? People who are bi tend to be less open and out than gay or straight people purely because biphobia is rife in both communities. It’s a massive problem

But OP has started a relationship with someone she assumed was straight.

Did you know your ex was bi?

If my partner came out as bi or gay it's make me feel uncomfortable too. Not because I am against gay people but that's not the relationship I entered.

roarfeckingroarr · 03/07/2022 11:43

OP your allowed to feel weird about this. Many women wouldn't date a bisexual man for various reasons. The problem is the lies though?

KittyCatsby · 03/07/2022 11:49

Ok blunt question : Would you marry a bisexual man ?
The answer to that question is your solution .

SomeLikeItWarm · 03/07/2022 11:52

KittyCatsby · 03/07/2022 11:49

Ok blunt question : Would you marry a bisexual man ?
The answer to that question is your solution .

I think this is the crucial question. Would you?

WhackingPhoenix · 03/07/2022 12:01

This reeks of biphobia and is probably the reason he never told you. Why do you care? ‘Wanting to cry’ is a very strange reaction Confused

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/07/2022 12:03

StopStartStop · 03/07/2022 11:22

He's gay. Leave. It's best for you.
Look up the word 'beard'.

Not enough eye rolls in the world… go back to the 50s you.

I don’t know OP. The thing is, sexuality isn’t easily defined - some people are v clearly gay, straight or bi, for others it’s a bit less clear. Either he’s basically straight, but open enough for the odd bit of experimentation in his youth, or he is bi, although possibly straight leaning. It’s worth pointing out that straight women experimenting are given a lot more leewa. and if it’s just the odd snog with a bloke I am not sure that is enough bi to qualify as lying to you.

I am not sure asking the friend he snogged is much help, because it sounds like he enjoys winding you up, and also there is a certain group of gay men who are convinced almost all men are at least bi.

I think you have to sit down with your fiancé in a neutral place, and say look I am sorry if I have come across as interrogating you, I didn’t mean to do that. But I would like to know if you are or have been sexuality attracted to men, if you’ve acted on that and if so broadly how. I know you aren’t obligated to give me any details, and all I want to do is get a broad sense of your sexual past, as that’s part of knowing who you are.

There is a risk he be seriously fucked off with you, but if it’s nothing you you need to talk about it, and much better calm and sober than drunk in a cab.

Then you just have to go on your gut instinct.

SherbertLemonDrop · 03/07/2022 12:07

Me ex is bi he would sleep with his bi best friend when we were together then admitteded it when he came out. He's been with a new woman about 6 years and they have a child I have friends in common with her I'm pretty certain she has no idea. He's still friends with his mate.