Is my fiancé Bi

[loveyababesx]

Hello, needed to talk to someone about this as don't really want to speak to my friends about it. My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years. He's quite camp and effeminate, but that's never bothered me as it makes him more fun. At the start I asked him if he's ever been with a man/sexual orientation as I was curious & he said he never has he's 100% straight, so left it at that. I found a letter from his ex girlfriend one day when I was looking for a notepad in his office draw & it said something about being upset about finding messages between him & another guy (who is one of his Friends who is gay) This made me feel a bit weird as I was like what on earth are the messages! I asked him about it and he said it must have been because he was bitching about her, so left it again. He's never really hung out with this gay friend whilst I've been there so always thought it was weird I had never met him before. So I finally met him this weekend and he told me that him & my fiancé used to snog on nights out coz no one fancied them so they would kiss each other then he said "everyone was fluid back then" this made me feel so uncomfortable & awkward & throughout the night kept saying stuff like well you're not a straight man to him - also made me feel uncomfortable. Anyway had to laugh along and pretend it was the most hilarious thing ever (inside wanted to cry) as soon as we got in the taxi I asked him about it, he got so defensive and was like IT WAS ONE TIME IN A CLUB AS A LAUGH. Now, to me used to on nights out doesn't strike me as one time in a club and I said to him why did you lie and say you've never been with a man & he said it didn't count as it was a laugh. I've been sitting on it and picturing him kissing men and it's making me feel so weird (I have nothing against gay/bisexual men by the way I have a gay best friend) it's just the fact he's lied about it to me. I obviously know he fancies me, but he's never like want to rip your clothes off let's try some wild stuff in the bedroom. He's still saying it was one time & I think I will never know the truth unless I outright ask his friend about it. Shall I just put it to bed & just accept it was 15 years ago at uni and he was having fun? Part of me wants to look through his phone at the messages between him and this guy as it's the only way I'll know. We're getting married in December and I want to know the full truth before. Maybe he is telling the truth and I'm just paranoid? Helppppp

@SomeLikeItWarm

If you are asking me my own question - then no . I would not choose to date / marry a man that has told me he is straight but is in fact bisexual .

Sorry, I meant the OP. I agree with you though.

My bi husband didn’t tell me he was bi for a few years. I was upset at first because I thought he’d lied but he just wasn’t ready to tell me. He’d never told anyone. I had told him I was bi but he knows that some people view bi men differently to bi women.

His reasons for not telling me was that he didn’t know how I’d react, then he said it got harder to know how to bring it up, and that he hasn’t really ever admitted it to anyone. He didn’t feel that he’d be accepted socially when he was a teenager so kept it to himself.

We’ve been together over 20 years so I don’t think I’m his beard 🙄We are both bi in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. Being bi doesn’t mean either of us are more likely to cheat.

OP you need to ask yourself two things 1. if you are happy to be with a man that’s attracted to and has experiences with men and women 2. Do you think he will be faithful to you?

I suggest you think carefully before marrying him. I ignored some signs and married him. A few weeks later he left me for a man.

The signs were: a bit camp (ignored because he was into body building)
Taste in clothes, no female friends, reluctant to have sex and when we did it was rough.

I was a teen and swept off my feet and had no sexual experience, so didn't realise.

If you have had a completely normal relationship and your only red flags are the kiss and the fact he appears camp, maybe risk it if he's the love of your life and you know he's keen for children etc.

Of course my ex and I were buying our first home and he seemed excited by having DC, so it's very hard to tell.

I'd be more inclined to think he was gay and using you as a beard tbh. Maybe he hasn't even addmitted it to himself.

You say he fancies tou but it's never been in that sorta primal rip your clothes of way. You've noticed something is missing in the spark department then.

Trust your guy op. Something is up. I certainly wouldn't be marrying him in December.

Can I ask perhaps a dumb question. If the partner is 100% faithful then why does it matter if they are bi?

Delay your wedding, you have been lied to, it might have been 15 years ago and a bit of a laugh, in which case why didn’t he tell you when you asked.

His family might be accepting of his sexuality if he was Bi, but often it is the individual who has a concern and unconsciously go down the path of straight heterosexual man, along with all the expected trappings of wife and children.

10 years down the line you both might be blissfully happy, but equally if he is Gay/Bi he might wake up one morning and want a completely different life, that you do not fit into.

May I ask a dumb question too please.

Is it "biphobia" to have absolutely no issues with (for want of a better phrase) people being bi, friends being bi etc, but to not want to date a bisexual man?

@loveyababesx I think you are right to feel odd about this. If I were in your position I wouldn’t want to continue the relationship. I think accusations of “biphobia” are wrong and unfair, we love who we love and are turned on or off by things beyond our control. We don’t have to act on these, but we definitely don’t need to grin and bare it if it’s not our thing. No one is doing anyone any favours by pretending to get over something that feels uncomfortable or unattractive to them, he would be better off with someone who is completely fine or even into his bisexuality if that’s what is happening here.

Yes I’m sure the lying is the worst part, but if you know in your heart of hearts that him being bi would have changed how you feel about your relationship- that’s okay too. People aren’t entitled to your attraction or even acceptance as a romantic partner, sexuality can be deeply ingrained and some things just don’t sit right with people and probably never will. It doesn’t mean that you think bisexual or gay people are less entitled to equality under the law or less deserving of love generally in society, it just means you’re not that into it. For example I don’t think I could date a man who had been with women much younger than him, not out of any principle (so long as they were both consenting adults) just a bit of a turn off for me. I think I might also be turned off by someone with a serious fetish for something, again happy for people to pursue this if that’s what brings them joy- it just wouldn’t be my thing.

He might not have told you because he was just messing around before, or he could possibly be a closeted gay or bi man. The closeted part, if that’s what’s happening, is a ticking time bomb in my opinion and not one you want to have to deal with if you are also raising children/ trying to keep a household together. You probably know what you need to do one way or another, I suggest you be as honest with yourself as you can stomach as it will save a lot of heartache later on.

I think it's a valid question and I've never considered it "biphobic" that if my partner was bisexual we wouldn't be together. A person's sexuality is a big part of them and if my partner was attracted to both sexes I wouldn't be attracted to them.

@SomeLikeItWarm I feel the same way, but I can't explain why. I genuinely wouldn't bat an eye lid about anyone's sexuality, unless I'm dating them.

You have noticed a lack of sexual passion towards you. That’s enough of a reason not to marry him.

being heterosexually tepid, camp, and “previously” fluid are just turn offs surely.

It's bound up in subtle subconscious homo- / biphobia, yes.

You're free to date whoever you want (of course - that goes without saying) but that doesn't mean the reasons behind that aren't arising from insidious societal messaging that bisexual men and women are less attractive.

It's a bit like saying you wouldn't date a black man. You don't have to date a black man and you're entirely entitled to your dating preferences, but those preferences arise from widespread, subtle, racist messaging we receive and which influence us without even realising it. These sorts of things are pervasive in our society. We constantly receive the message that being straight, white, able-bodied etc etc is the most attractive thing you can be.

Unfortunately acknowledging that there is homophobic / racist / ablist etc messaging in our culture that influences our dating choices and meaning that our choices are made not in a vacuum but instead out of the harmful messaging that we receive is often translated by MN as "so you think my vagina is an equal opportunity?! Rapist!".

Same, but it seems to be something to be judged on now.

@Lockheart seriously?!! You are equating racism to someone saying they wouldn't choose to date someone who is bisexual, but with the condescending You're free to date whoever you want well not really if you then say but I'm going to judge you if you don't meet my approval.

So where do you draw the line r.e. preferences. Is it okay to 'prefer' to not date someone who is disabled? I do think however that those who carry these sort of prejudices are probably doing those they've casted in the 'absolutely not' basket a favour. Imagine feeling weird because your partner has (had) a sexual attraction to men i.e. all other things being equal wrt faithfulness etc.

You don’t trust him so this relationship won’t work

I'm not judging anyone.

It's true that we all receive subconscious messages that black skin is less desirable, just we receive messages that bisexuality and homophobia are less desirable. It's a hugely complex and subtle phenomenon. If you think we're not influenced by racist and homophobic messaging in our society then you're very naive.

I think sexuality is too complex to dismiss this as homophobia. What is attractive to one person, is a complete turnoff to another. I could be attracted to someone's appearance but that's only a part of it, bisexuality is part of who someone is. Some people just find it a turn off.

If you don’t trust him to the point that you’re reading private letters that you ‘found while looking for a notepad’, I don’t think you should be getting married.

Why did you read the letter from the ex?

Stick to your own boundaries OP. Will be better in the long term for you and your own mental health. You go into marriage with the hope that it is forever and if you have doubts I would explore this before making a legal commitment.

I dont think it makes him gay/bi. I snogged a female mate at uni a few times when we were both drunk, but I'm not a lesbian despite being tomboy- ish. I dont talk about it to people just because it was silly drink times. If I was explicitly asked have you ever kissed someone of the same sex I'd be honest.

I think there is huge value in analysing your unconscious bias in most areas in life. Most particularly at work. But not in dating and sexual attraction. Seriously what good can possibly come of that? The worst outcome here is that you start dating/continue dating people you are not really attracted to because you think you should be because otherwise you must be biphobic/racist/ageist/ableist. The biggest loser in that situation is the poor person you’re dating. If he idea of marrying a bisexual man gives you the ick OP then don’t marry him.

My dear friend married a 'flamboyant' man, we just thought him camp and arty. He would constantly put her down for trying to initiate sex. Told her to get therapy as she was a sex addict. She said she could count the times they had sex on both hands during their 5 year marriage.

When his mother got ill he said he told my friend he thought he was bi. By the mother's funeral he had moved out come out and was heavily on the scene. Turns out he had been cheating on her with men from the moment they met, even the night before their wedding.

Just a tale of caution. Had she asked the right questions before, she wouldn't have wasted five years on a sham marriage and spent two years getting over it