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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I emotionally abusive?

52 replies

Stripes1234 · 03/07/2022 02:10

Please answer honestly… am I being emotionally abusive to my husband? (He thinks I am)

Tonight he went out with his mates (2nd night running - no problem with that). At 1am, he still wasn’t home and we have plans to go to London today as a family with some mutual friends. I called him multiple times (never went through) and sent him 3 x messages. I basically wanted to ask him what time he was coming home and to ask him please don’t get hammered, because it will ruin today. He also has a broken leg, so I wanted to ask how he planned to get home. His phone was obviously out of range though, so I also text our (entirely mutual) friend he was out with to ask if he could ask DH to call me if he picked this up. Since then, I saw DH read my msgs, but didn’t call me. This annoyed me if I’m honest, because what if there had been an emergency with our children? (There wasn’t, so maybe I am over-reacting here).

Anyhow, DH now home. Completely hammered as predicted and furious I was “checking up” on him. Says I’m emotionally abusive / possessive / jealous / unstable (I think tbf I probably was very unstable when we were first together 20 years ago (very abusive mother), but I’ve done a lot of personal growth since then). From my perspective, I wasn’t checking up on him because I was jealous, but for the reasons I gave above. Is this abusive though? I don’t know. I feel like he doesn’t want to be with me anymore sometimes (not all the time) and might be looking for excuses to blame me for this, but maybe I am actually at fault?? Would you see me calling him as emotionally abusive / possessive or reasonable? I’m so confused! Please help.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2022 02:14

Your husband sounds like a self-absorbed, selfish man child to me. I would be extremely unimpressed with his attitude and behaviour.

Thedogscollar · 03/07/2022 02:15

No I don't think this is emotional abuse he is using this to cover the fact he went out and got hammered not answering text or calls at 1am.
Of course you would be worried at 1am and him with a broken leg anything could have happened.
Hope your day out in London goes well.

Booklover3 · 03/07/2022 02:27

Not from what you’ve said. He’s being a prat and trying to justify his behaviour

StanleyBostitch · 03/07/2022 02:48

Not emotionally abusive at all. I bet if you'd just gone off to sleep and he'd called you to pick him up but you didn't hear the call he would have got annoyed with you. He's out for the second night in a row and you were just trying to make sure he didn't ruin your family plans for the next day. He's being unreasonable.

PeanutButterOnToad · 03/07/2022 06:03

Of course you are not being emotionally abusive, but his accusing you of this is.

Mercurial123 · 03/07/2022 06:39

I feel like he doesn’t want to be with me anymore sometimes (not all the time)

He's a tosser. Why do you want to be with him he sounds awful.

Queenoftheashes · 03/07/2022 06:45

No,
he’s just a selfish prick

girlmom21 · 03/07/2022 06:45

It's not emotional abuse to contact your husband and remind him not to ruin your day out the next day. It seems the text didn't work though. What an arse.

Smartish · 03/07/2022 06:45

I think that, without explanation, calling him on a night out is annoying. Emotionally abusive? No.
Given the explanation about the plans for the next day and the fact that you have children, I think he is being a dick.
I also think the fact that he's out so late and hammered when you have plans is the issue and he's turning it around so that you're the 'bad guy' instead of taking responsibility.

RampantIvy · 03/07/2022 06:49

He is deflecting and gaslighting you.

Veol · 03/07/2022 06:54

I don’t think you are being emotionally abusive but you are treating him like he is your teenage son rather than a capable adult. He does sound a bit like a teenager though.

justfiveminutes · 03/07/2022 06:56

Based on that one incident, you do not sound emotionally abusive.

Trying to get in touch with your dp on a night out is not abusive.

If, every time he goes out, you find reasons to call and text a lot, then I would find that annoying.

MoneyTreePose · 03/07/2022 06:56

That's ridiculous.

You're not abusive.

He decided to be uncontactable.

Think about that. I think for your own sake you should detach from caring about where he is every minute. When somebody wants to make themselves UNREACHABLE then that is their choice and all you can do is reassess

AllHailKingLouis · 03/07/2022 06:58

YANBU, he sounds like a moron

tirednessbecomesme · 03/07/2022 07:04

What does "calling multiple times" mean? if you are sat there with your finger on the redial button then yes I do think that's a bit much and can see why he's a bit annoyed - they might not have connected at the time but I'd imagine he'd get a message saying x missed calls

5foot5 · 03/07/2022 07:05

It sounds like he knows he has behaved like an arse and is trying to turn it round to make it your issue. It isn't.

I hope you have a good day out. If he is too hungover to get up in time leave him behind. If he goes and is still hungover try not to let it spoil the day just do all the things you would anyway and let him suffer

Vallmo47 · 03/07/2022 07:07

Given that he knows your history, I think it’s downright cruel of him to say what he did.Should he have gone out and got hammered with a broken leg the day before a day out in London? No. Does he know this? 100%. But unless you’re always checking up on him like this when he’s not with you, he is being unreasonable for overreacting.

MerryMarigold · 03/07/2022 07:13

I suppose a bit depends on the content of the messages. Did you call him names? Did you call him a selfish twat and thoughtless arse (he is, but that could be taken as abusive).

If they were rational messages: where are you? Need you to be ok for tomorrow, don't get too drunk. How are you getting home? Are you ok? Then that's definitely not abusive.

I would be worrying about your marriage if you feel he sometimes wants to be elsewhere. I'd also worry that he may have been emotionally abusing you for some time, because the things he said to you were very unkind and not a proportional response to what you've done.

LonelyPlanetGirI · 03/07/2022 07:18

You're not the abusive one.

jrc1071 · 03/07/2022 07:35

What is happening to you is called gaslighting… He’s trying to make you think you are abusive when you are not.

The fact that he went off the radar, came home hammered, that and itself is the abuse.

What he saying to you is that what he did is not the problem… Your reaction is.

And your reaction is totally normal and acceptable for what he did.

Refuse to accept his projecting his emotional abuse of you as you are the abuser.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 03/07/2022 07:35

Tbh I would’ve had the conversation about the trip to London before he went out - ie ‘remember we’ll be leaving at x time in the morning so don’t go mad’ - and then left it at that. If my DH was then texting me and then my friend on a night out to tell me to come home I’d be pissed off. It’s not emotionally abusive, just annoying and patronising.

Hurstlandshome · 03/07/2022 07:39

What time were you expecting him home? Surely the 'don't get too pissed/how are you getting home' convo was for before he went out and not at 1am? Sounds like you were badgering him to come home and he wasn't happy about it. Not very mature of him given the London trip but shoe on other foot I'd hate to be badgered and told what I can and cannot do and texting a friend of mine would have peed me off.
Before everyone screams but what about the DC - people can very easily operate on 7/8 hours sleep, him coming in at 1 isn't a major problem.

Summerwhereareyou · 03/07/2022 07:39

No because he could have simply answered you, reassured you and fbsts that.
Ignoring someone usually drive's that person mad!

justfiveminutes · 03/07/2022 07:40

"What is happening to you is called gaslighting… He’s trying to make you think you are abusive when you are not.

The fact that he went off the radar, came home hammered, that and itself is the abuse."

Tbf we can't possibly know whether op is abusive, just that she wasn't on this particular occasion from the way she has described it.

And he is not abusive for enjoying a night out with his phone off.

Shoxfordian · 03/07/2022 07:59

I wouldn’t have phoned him, he’s an adult and he should be able to regulate his drinking/find his own way home. I don’t think it was abusive but I wouldn’t like being called like that when I was on a night out