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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I emotionally abusive?

52 replies

Stripes1234 · 03/07/2022 02:10

Please answer honestly… am I being emotionally abusive to my husband? (He thinks I am)

Tonight he went out with his mates (2nd night running - no problem with that). At 1am, he still wasn’t home and we have plans to go to London today as a family with some mutual friends. I called him multiple times (never went through) and sent him 3 x messages. I basically wanted to ask him what time he was coming home and to ask him please don’t get hammered, because it will ruin today. He also has a broken leg, so I wanted to ask how he planned to get home. His phone was obviously out of range though, so I also text our (entirely mutual) friend he was out with to ask if he could ask DH to call me if he picked this up. Since then, I saw DH read my msgs, but didn’t call me. This annoyed me if I’m honest, because what if there had been an emergency with our children? (There wasn’t, so maybe I am over-reacting here).

Anyhow, DH now home. Completely hammered as predicted and furious I was “checking up” on him. Says I’m emotionally abusive / possessive / jealous / unstable (I think tbf I probably was very unstable when we were first together 20 years ago (very abusive mother), but I’ve done a lot of personal growth since then). From my perspective, I wasn’t checking up on him because I was jealous, but for the reasons I gave above. Is this abusive though? I don’t know. I feel like he doesn’t want to be with me anymore sometimes (not all the time) and might be looking for excuses to blame me for this, but maybe I am actually at fault?? Would you see me calling him as emotionally abusive / possessive or reasonable? I’m so confused! Please help.

OP posts:

Classicblunder · 03/07/2022 08:03

Why were you even still up at 1? We just go to sleep when the other one is out!

Momicrone · 03/07/2022 08:42

Phoning someone multiple times when they are out will only exacerbate the situation. Asking someone who is already pissed off, not to get drunk, is a bit like a red rag to a bull. Not that he has behaved well at all in this situation.

Sometimeswinning · 03/07/2022 09:10

I think it was a bit strange. If I went out with my friends and my dh kept trying to call me, sent me messages and then called my friends to get me to call him. All to be told not to get drunk and to be home by a certain time. Yes you were unreasonable.

tomatopsste · 03/07/2022 09:14

Not emotionally abusive, but why would you think your DH had forgotten not to get drunk?

You were trying to control him, yes.

He's an adult , knows what's in the diary, his choice to do it with a hangover.

ManateeFair · 03/07/2022 09:23

If I was out with friends, and my partner was calling me multiple times to tell me how I much I was allowed to drink and demanding to know how I was getting home, I wouldn’t be happy about it. If he then texted my friends to check up on me, I’d be embarrassed and angry. I’m a grown woman and I want to enjoy a night out without someone nagging me. It doesn’t matter that there was no jealousy involved; I simply wouldn’t want my partner trying to control my night out.

tomatopsste · 03/07/2022 09:27

I missed the bit about texting the friend! That's totally out of order!

Someone did this to me, we were having a BBQ, lots of people there. I got a text from the wife of a friend (she wasn't well so didn't come to the BBQ), saying can you get him to call me....... he's ignoring my texts.

Embarrassing 😳!

ImFuminHun · 03/07/2022 09:55

Veol · 03/07/2022 06:54

I don’t think you are being emotionally abusive but you are treating him like he is your teenage son rather than a capable adult. He does sound a bit like a teenager though.

This

Sunnytwobridges · 03/07/2022 10:03

I think the fact that you say he sometimes doesn’t want to be with you anymore is key. I think this is another sign of it. Ignoring your calls, doing things he knows would ruin plans for the next day, etc.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 03/07/2022 10:08

I'm not buying it, this drunkenness is out of order.
However, lots think it's ok, both need to be on the same page regarding socializing. I would've thought if he's going out the day after, he'd be fresh and home at a reasonable hr ready for the day ahead.
Dp's brother goes on benders for days on end, my brother did it, and both marriages collaspsed.

He's a family man, the end.

Onlyforcake · 03/07/2022 10:08

I think that you didnt needvto contact him so many times (maybe just one, what time are you back, im thinking about yomorrow?)
BUT as an adult 1. He should be aware of his responsibilities and be organised, he shouldn't be such la self absorbed dick. He's being critical and going on the offensive because 1. He's in the wrong and 2. Because he's over indulged and over tired he can't keep his emotions in check
He's a wreck.

MyAnacondaMight · 03/07/2022 10:20

He was unreasonable for getting pissed the night before your plans. You were unreasonable for pestering him on a night out - and super unreasonable for contacting the friend he was out with. Call it quits - neither of you is behaving well here, or as though you like or respect each other.

Honest question: what did you think would happen when messaging at 1am? That he’d respond promptly to thank you for the reminder re todays plans and that he would cut short his bender accordingly?! Obviously not.

CrapBag39 · 03/07/2022 10:23

Gaslighting manchild. Fuck him off.

Skinterior · 03/07/2022 10:27

I would have just gone to bed and not bothered with all the calls and texts. He's a grown man. Possibly he's a dick, possibly all your attention irritated him and he's behaved childishly.

Next time he goes out I'd put your phone in a drawer and see if that's 'neglect'

If it is then he def has the problem.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/07/2022 10:28

No, you were trying to get in touch with him for perfectly reasonable reasons.

He’s being a prick

BrownTableMat · 03/07/2022 10:30

I wouldn’t say emotionally abusive but I do think you were out of order. He’s an adult, he can decide if he’s going to have a hangover and feel crap the next day. I’d leave him to it

C152 · 03/07/2022 10:34

He knows he's behaved badly so is trying to turn things around so you somehow think you are the unreasonable one. Texting your husband at 1am to find out what time he will be home, not to mention how he will get home with a broken leg, is not unreasonable. Most husbands would let their wife know what time they would be home and whether they'd get a taxi or a lift with a mate, so she wouldn't worry. It's common courtesy.

WonderingWanda · 03/07/2022 10:39

As others have said, he is sort of gaslighting you to avoid being the bad guy. The reality is he doesn't want to alter his lifestyle for family commitments. You calling him on a night out probably was annoying for him and pointless because he is an adult he is going to do what he wants. He thinks you are being controlling by calling him and then calling his mate, you felt like by calling him you could alter his behaviour (that kind of is a bit controlling) although I totally get why, you knew he would go and get wasted The fundamental problem is you want a husband that doesn't go out and get so drunk the next day is a right off and he doesn't want to be that guy. You need to have a serious chat with him about your future together what you both want and is that compatible.

ImFuminHun · 03/07/2022 10:43

If he was going out for drinks with friends, he would have been useless in an emergency whether he came home at 11, 3am or 5am.

We can't all stick to one glass of wine or always be the driver just in case there is an emergency.

It sounds like the majority of the time his phone was out of range. And by the time you tracked him down, you were nagging him back.

If my DH was giving me earache when all I wanted to do was wind down with friends then I would be miffed too.

YANBU, you aren't what he is saying you are.

But all the calls and texts were OTT.

5128gap · 03/07/2022 10:51

You did things that in the normal way of things are not ideal. Of course its not good to be repeatedly messaging someone, calling them and then chasing them via a friend when they're on a night out. BUT....you did those things as a direct result of his behaviour.
You know you can't trust him to keep commitments. You even doubt his ability to keep himself safe, so you're doing your best to reassure yourself and control the situation.
I'm sure policing him makes you no happier than it does him. It also never ever works, and lays you open to the gaslighting and accusations you've had so far.
You only have two options here. Accept you can't control his behaviour, and stop trying, or leave him for someone whose behaviour doesn't cause you stress.

daretodenim · 03/07/2022 10:52

WonderingWanda · 03/07/2022 10:39

This.

Plus you maybe should ask yourself what it is that makes you want to be with someone who you feel doesn't want to be with you.

Do you realise that you're worth a partner who cherishes you? Nobody's perfect, of course, but what is so great about him that it overrides making you feel he actually doesn't want you, even sometimes?

5128gap · 03/07/2022 10:54

I should clarify, leave him, and you may find someone whose behaviour doesn't cause you stress. Not leave FOR that!

Cheeserton · 03/07/2022 10:59

You only called at 0100 (if I read correctly). He's acting like you were hassling throughout.
Second night out with mates in a row 'no problem with that' - clearly the opposite of controlling...
You had plans today and he has a broken leg, and you're more than entitled to be concerned by that point.
He's a twat and needs to apologise.

Greenberg · 03/07/2022 11:13

I think this man isn't very good for your mental health. For some people he might be fine, but for you, with your past history of an abusive parent his unwillingness to consider your feelings, and the way he makes you feel like he doesn't want to be with you, is not at all helpful. Also I don't like the way he turned it round on you to make you feel like you're in the wrong.

He seems to want to just do whatever he wants, and not have to consider you at all. Your needs and wants are incompatible.

Thighdentitycrisis · 03/07/2022 11:14

It’s controlling, but I wouldn’t say abusive without the whole context of your relationship

I would recognise that was out of order, and name that to him and tell him what you expect in terms of personal responsibility from a partner in a long term relationship. The rest is up to him

Crunchymum · 03/07/2022 11:15

Was he coming on the trip today? Was he watching any dependants so you could go?

Otherwise I'd have just left him to it.

Not because I'm a "cool wife" but because chasing down a selfish, drunken prick at 1am would have caused me more stress and ruined my nights sleep and set me up badly for what should be a good day.

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