AIBU about sharing care of DC sick and off school?

[EasyPeasyLemonDifficult]

Our DC seem to get sick and need go be off school so often and its causing a real issue. We’re both self employed and both work mainly from home but not always. Both our jobs involve a mixture of meetings and paperwork.

Last week there was a day we were both wfh and one DC was too ill for school. I said to DH that I had a meeting 11-1, what did he have on, so we could come up with a plan. He ignored me completely and then text that he couldn’t “help” until after 5.30. There was no scope for any discussion. At lunch time he went out for a run for the best part of an hour…

The next day DC was still off school and he text me to say he could help after 3. Again there was no possibility of any discussion.

I thought this was all pretty unfair (and resulted me have to rearrange meetings and work late). I appreciate some of that may have been inevitable but think the burden should be shared.

What’s thrown me now is that the other DC has picked up the bug and I raised the question this evening of what if she’s off school on Monday. He said he could look after her if necessary.

Before that I thought he was being completely unreasonable but now I’m doubting myself. It does seem like he gets to pick and choose when he “helps” though. Like I’m the default I suppose.

AIBU?

YANBU. It needs to be collaborative. Why didn’t you feel you could say ‘actually, no, I need you to stay home between 11-1’?

Because when I initially asked he ignored me and he would only communicate about it by text. I thought there was no point in pushing back and that he’d just ignore it I suppose. I knew I could just about manage to rearrange things/do it at night. If I’d had something really important I might have tried.

"Only communicate about it via text?"

What an odd thing to say...

Sounds like something you'd say in the midst of a messy divorce.

What do you mean he’d only communicate by text?

I said verbally, “OK so DC is unwell, I have a meeting 11-1, what do you have on today?”

He kept looking ahead at his computer. Said nothing. I repeated myself. Still nothing.

I left the room and went to get other DC ready and I got a text saying he wouldn’t be able to help until 5.30.

When I went back upstairs the door to his office was closed.

Maybe I should have tried harder to communicate and saying he would only communicate by text isn’t quite right, but that’s what it felt like.

If you are both wfh why are you texting instead of going to speak to him?
Yes it should be shared depending on who can rearrange stuff the easiest on the day

I think you have bigger issues in your marriage then who is caring for a sick child.
He doesn’t respect you and you let him walk all over you.

That exchange is beyond weird. He’s not treating you like a human person never mind his wife, his partner in life, the mother of his children. Does he usually just ignore you?

He ignored you twice when you tried to discuss the care of your sick child. I would not tolerate that and I would not stand for him telling you when he could "help", it's not helping it's parenting. Communicating by text is his way of avoiding having to negotiate around work commitments, it's selfish and immature.

Occasionally he does. He says he wants to avoid and argument and he knows I’ll want to bicker. I’ve worked really hard on myself though because I could be too reactive but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference. It sometimes seems like he just does it to shut down any discussion or to get his own way.

when he says he knows you’ll want to bicker what he really means is you won’t just accept him not helping and push him to step up, which he doesn’t want to do!

the standard default so often seems to be the woman dealing with the sick kids - I’ve certainly been in that position with my ex OP - but that’s just bullshit when you are both working

he’s said he’ll stay do the care of necessary - it is necessary ! Just text back that it willl be necessary as you have work commitments

Nope, he's just an arsehole.
Instead of asking him, tell him that you need him to keep an eye on DC at whatever time.
See how he reacts.
Possibly projecting here, but XH (note the X) was always too busy / too important to look after DCs when ill unless I really kicked up a stink about it - to the point that he told me I didn't need him there at an appointment, when we both thought one of our DCs was blind. It's a long story, so I won't post it here.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you are parenting on your own already, call it a day and be on your own - at least then you know you can rely on yourself.

So basically you had to cancel your meeting so he could go for a fucking run?!?!?!

Oh god. What are his redeeming qualities??

Doesn't want to bicker means, doesn't want to deal with other people's needs. Your needs.

In future don't even ask. Did he ask you when it turned out your child was sick?? Put them down as default parent on the school records. Go out for a 'run' next time they are caring for a sick child and trying to juggle meetings.

I’d be fuming to be honest; recently we’ve had a bad run of DC being ill and even though DH is self employed out of the home and I’m about 50% working from home he’s made a good amount of compromise to be able to be at home for them

Honestly I have zero time for "talk about it" type strategies. They don't work. Withdraw your labour. Just behave as he does. Don't ask, it puts you in the position of subordinate. Direct action is likely to be far more effective ;)

He is picking and choosing. Subject to any really important meetings that cannot be changed take it in turns.

He wants to avoid parenting. You’ve got a real problem on your hands and it’s not likely to improve. You’re the parent he’s the help when he can be bothered. Firm conversation needed but your chances don’t look promising.

Sounds like he is a wanker to be honest- how old is the poorly DC? If they are 10+ then they can manage with a bit of help from either of you if you are WFH? Does someone need to have the full day off? I can't get over the fact he just ignored you when you asked him though- that's so off. What would happen if you just went out and left him and poorly DC at home? Relationship between you seems toxic - cannot imagine communicating in this way.

He sounds like an arse.

What are the sick day expectations at your house? From about 6-7 onwards I just dosed my DC up, provided drinks and the rules were you stayed in bed and read/listened to an audiobook/played until lunchtime. Downstairs for TV only after lunch. I’d look in on them regularly and provide drinks & medicine, but if you were too sick for school you had to stay in bed and rest. That meant I could get work done in the morning & afternoon hopefully.

Obviously if very poorly - vomiting or needing lots of comfort - it was difficult but mostly illness didn’t disrupt too much as I WFH and could still do a decent amount within these expectations.

Tell him that next time the dc are sick, it is his job to look after them. He can text you and ask you to help, and you will help if you can. But you’ll only be “helping” and you may not be available. If he tries to argue about this, tell him to stop bickering and be quiet.

Or perhaps, not just next time. Perhaps for the next year, because I’m guessing you were default parent for the last however many years?

He's treating you as the default parent. In our house, the rule was to share about 50/50, but work around any important meetings/deadlines if possible. If we had a situation where both had stuff that meant we couldn't really take time off then we sacrificed equal time and split it 50/50. But unless they were very little or vomiting, that often meant just being at home and checking on them occasionally so often we could do some work from home anyway even before we officially WFH (though sometimes meant going into office to pick up laptop first).

So I suppose my advice is to agree the ground rules, preferably before even having children, but certainly now so that next time it happens you are more prepared.

So a nearly one hour run at “lunchtime” - that’s means in the 11:00-13:00 period, right?
If so, how did you not have an absolutely blazing row about that?
And not by text.

You say you have worked hard on yourself. Has he put any work into himself? It seems like he has found a strategy which leaves all the childcare responsibility on you while he runs round the neighbourhood carefree. This whole set up sounds like a mad joke.