AIBU about sharing care of DC sick and off school?

[EasyPeasyLemonDifficult]

Our DC seem to get sick and need go be off school so often and its causing a real issue. We’re both self employed and both work mainly from home but not always. Both our jobs involve a mixture of meetings and paperwork.

Last week there was a day we were both wfh and one DC was too ill for school. I said to DH that I had a meeting 11-1, what did he have on, so we could come up with a plan. He ignored me completely and then text that he couldn’t “help” until after 5.30. There was no scope for any discussion. At lunch time he went out for a run for the best part of an hour…

The next day DC was still off school and he text me to say he could help after 3. Again there was no possibility of any discussion.

I thought this was all pretty unfair (and resulted me have to rearrange meetings and work late). I appreciate some of that may have been inevitable but think the burden should be shared.

What’s thrown me now is that the other DC has picked up the bug and I raised the question this evening of what if she’s off school on Monday. He said he could look after her if necessary.

Before that I thought he was being completely unreasonable but now I’m doubting myself. It does seem like he gets to pick and choose when he “helps” though. Like I’m the default I suppose.

AIBU?

So today I have really important meeting away from home and he has said he’ll look after the ill DC (the other one is better and will be back in school).

Obviously this is good, but I feel so strange about it. Grateful for being able to go to my meeting today but thinking have I overreacted about last week? Maybe he just had a lot on?

Overall childcare over the last week where dc have been unwell hasn’t been so uneven now, but it still doesn’t justify how we dealt with it initially though does it - ignoring me? going on a run? he’a still picking and choosing right? I can’t get my head straight…

He's probably got wind that you are very very unhappy and is doing a little performance for you.

Ignoring you, only communicating by text, offering to ‘help’ (i.e. it’s a favour to take over your responsibility, not equally his responsibility), accusing you of being the one with communication issues…

No, you’re not wrong and you didn’t overreact.

I said verbally, “OK so DC is unwell, I have a meeting 11-1, what do you have on today?”
**
He kept looking ahead at his computer. Said nothing. I repeated myself. Still nothing.
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I left the room and went to get other DC ready and I got a text saying he wouldn’t be able to help until 5.30.
**
When I went back upstairs the door to his office was closed.

He has NO justifiable reason for ignoring you in that scenario. None. You asked him a question and he totally blanked you.

This.

Pricks like him know when they have crossed the line with their victims.

He can see and sence that you are looking at him with the scales dropping from your eyes.

He is abusive.
This is an act to confuse you.

Don't allow it to.

Get organised.
Get out.

He put you in position of default carer, so he 'helps' and you're supposed to be grateful.

Even if he was the higher earner that wouldn't be acceptable, but as you're the higher earner it's ridiculous.

You are both parents and you are equally responsible for caring for your children. Just as you're equally responsible for cooking and cleaning. You don't 'help' by doing the odd bit of washing up etc.

He needs to get his head around that whether you stay or go.

Personally it's easier to ask for help from others once you divorce, rather than feeling you have to soldier on because you don't want others to know how shit your partner is.

Good luck, don't forget if you separate that he is still equally responsible to take time off to care for sick children on any days he's responsible for them.

Does he earn 3x what you do or something? Not that that would excuse his attitude but might be why he thinks it's justified...?

No I actually earn about3x what he earns. I’ve always tried to treat our work equally though.

That makes it a lot easier to get rid of him, doesn't it?

Your respective contributions to your family life are completely skewed. You're carrying him and he can't even behave civilly to you.

It's not equal work though is it ?
He may work FT same as you but he abdicates parental work to you who earns more than him. You are doing a job that he isn't willing to do on top of your paid working hours. He is an absolute shit dad and shit partner. And you can get rid of him given you earn more, without any big repercussions nor angst. I hope you do value your time and parenting more than he does. Bc your children need a mum who isn't being taken advantage of by a rubbish other parent