AIBU about sharing care of DC sick and off school?

[EasyPeasyLemonDifficult]

Our DC seem to get sick and need go be off school so often and its causing a real issue. We’re both self employed and both work mainly from home but not always. Both our jobs involve a mixture of meetings and paperwork.

Last week there was a day we were both wfh and one DC was too ill for school. I said to DH that I had a meeting 11-1, what did he have on, so we could come up with a plan. He ignored me completely and then text that he couldn’t “help” until after 5.30. There was no scope for any discussion. At lunch time he went out for a run for the best part of an hour…

The next day DC was still off school and he text me to say he could help after 3. Again there was no possibility of any discussion.

I thought this was all pretty unfair (and resulted me have to rearrange meetings and work late). I appreciate some of that may have been inevitable but think the burden should be shared.

What’s thrown me now is that the other DC has picked up the bug and I raised the question this evening of what if she’s off school on Monday. He said he could look after her if necessary.

Before that I thought he was being completely unreasonable but now I’m doubting myself. It does seem like he gets to pick and choose when he “helps” though. Like I’m the default I suppose.

AIBU?

Of course the parenting should be shared. Your husband is selfish, sexist, rude, irresponsible and in general a colossal jerk. Can you leave him?

Jesus. If my DP behaved like this, I’d have turned off the wifi – in the first instance – and made plans to break up. How dare he not only treat you as the default but to simply ignore and give you the silent treatment until you behave like the default? And he can only “help” at certain times? He’s not “helping” you! It’s 50/50 his job too! What a PRICK.

If it helps, how it works in our house is 50/50 which is sometimes split as before/after lunch, sometimes split piecemeal through the day if we need to work around particular meetings and deadlines. I work 3 days a week employed and 1 day self employed and we still split the labour on my self employed day even though technically I could do it all.

YANBU at all, but the real question is what are you going to do about it?

I can't believe that you said you had meetings 11-1 and he went for a run.

I would not be able to stay with someone like that.

Telling you when he can "help" implies that he thinks it is your responsibility. You need to change this expectation. It sounds like communication is difficult, if he wants to communicate in writing then fine so write him an e-mail but you need to tell him that you are both parents, are 50% responsible for caring for your children including looking after them when they are ill and that you will no longer be the default carer so he needs to work this out with you. If he won't negotiate reasonably then tell him the default needs to be that you take turns without considering the impact on your working day rather than doing the sensible thing of trying to make it work for both of you. If he refuses then you know what you need to do.

who earns more?
the run thing is totally unacceptable but do you have equal earning power?

I'd have been tempted to unplug his computer when he was blanking you. It's extremely rude.

Can you not open the door to his office? I'd be unavailable on Monday if I were you. How old are the dc?

Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate the sense check and support.

To answer a few questions:

DC are 7 and 5. The first day ill Dc was being sick and needed quite a lot of care but did have a nap in the afternoon. Second day she was able to watch some tv while I got on with a bit of work for some of the time. I think I’m quite good at juggling things/doing what I can. So I manage, which makes me wonder if I’m asking too much of him as I can manage.

I try really hard to treat our jobs equally but as someone asked, I earn about 3 times what he does.

I could have opened the door to the study to try and talk to him again but I thought it would be pointless and he would just ignore me again.

I didn’t mention this before as I wanted to get some opinions, but I am making plans to leave (not just because of this but lots of issues - silent treatment, being blamed for everything, that sort of thing). Its just him saying he would look after the DC if they are ill on Monday has made me doubt myself a bit. Just needed some outside perspective.

He sounds like a bit of a waste of space really. You earn most of the money, you do most of the juggling. No wonder you're left asking what is the point of him, especially since he sounds like a grumpy fucker who makes your life miserable.

Good luck with your plans.

FFS. Not answering is a form of control. Not making decisions is just as powerful as making decisions because it forces on the consequences/ fallout on the person who eventually has to.
He isn't avoiding 'bickering'. He's avoiding not getting his own way. He is avoiding compromising. It's to shut you down.
Don't doubt your self. He is a nob.
For context me and my husband are a partnership and do 50% of all parenting together. I could substitute my husband for me in any scenario. And he works full time and earns 4 times as much as me.......

How about doing alternate days. But if it's your day and you're struggling to rearrange then you can still ask him and visa versa.

I think I’m quite good at juggling things/doing what I can. So I manage, which makes me wonder if I’m asking too much of him as I can manage.

If you can manage, no reason he can’t. Why would you think this was ‘asking too much’, to ask him to do the exact same thing as you.

I try really hard to treat our jobs equally but as someone asked, I earn about 3 times what he does.

I’m glad you out earn him and are preparing to leave him.

Its just him saying he would look after the DC if they are ill on Monday has made me doubt myself a bit.

He’s throwing you crumbs. You deserve the whole meal.

Your self-esteem has clearly taken a battering. Stop doubting yourself. Would you treat someone like he treats you? No, you wouldn’t. He’s got no excuse and you don’t have to put up with it.

Oh my goodness, if you earn so much more it is crazy to risk your job like that. You'd be better to do it solo and hire decent childcare - we pay a kindly neighbour to.have DD in situations like this.

He's not being transparent about what he's got on. You need to be able to see his calendar. If either of you have external or important meetings, the other covers for that time. If they clash you negotiate. Then you need to be able to talk openly about deadlines etc.

He's a selfish cunt.

Don't doubt yourself.

I hope you leave soon.

YOU EARN THREE TIMES WHAT HE DOES.
He needs to do it more of the time than you, if anything.
Have the blazing row. Find your anger.

Silent treatment, like not answering is pathetic. I would stand in front of him and shout HELLO CAN YOU SEE ME???

Hi OP, myself and DH similarly wfh with paperwork and online meetings. In this situation we generally have a conversation about which meetings we each have that are a priority that day and try to work around it. Then we each tell our (fairly understanding) employers about the situation and promise to make up the time with the paper work.

I’m sorry this isn’t happening for you and that in general things sound as if they are ending but wanted to give you some sense of how things can work.

@EasyPeasyLemonDifficult

Your DH is abdicating his parental responsibilities to you. He isn't behaving like a father!!
You should equally share time taken off for care of DCs when they are sick and at home. How dare he treat you like staff

I also note I try really hard to treat our jobs equally but as someone asked, I earn about 3 times what he does.

Whilst earning more doesn't mean you don't have to be as much of a parent, which is excuse lots of fathers use, you are the higher earner here!!

If he doesn't share, I'd remove my money into another bank account and say when if you're not an equal father to my being a mother then you don't get an equal share of my wages!!
Send the child into him when you have a meeting next time- no debate. He doesn't get to ignore his child, he has SAME responsibilities as you.

Disgusted that he selfishly went for a run that lunchtime instead of watching his sick child for half the day too. What an absolute douchebag of a Dad.

Going forward, I think you should remind him he has 50% responsibility and that he is not being a responsible Dad but a lazy one.

He could have worked late to catch up in the evening same as you probably had to. But should have taken over at 11-3pm and you did 9-11 and 3-5pm to fit around your meeting and your 50% share.

Or he does full days with the other child who's now sick as he did nothing for past two days with DC1 when sick.

You go to your office and lock yourself in and give him the child.

Don't let him gaslight you that this is your job to do both all the parenting- which includes taking time off when DCs are sick- as well as your paid job. Whether wfh or not, a good Dad will step in so his wife doesn't do more than him or you both work.

If you both work not 'or you'
Sorry! Mistype

This just sounds like another reason to carry on with your plan to leave.

Oh if you're planning to leave him, then you may get more time off when he has them for contact!

Please move your money now into your own bank account. And cut off any access he has to any of your savings in your name.

Unless he has them overnight for school days however he sounds like the type of Dad who still won't take time off when they are sick. You have to be strong then and say your day your child...

The problem with sharing child care once separated is that you can't force NRP to turn up to or take up contact, my ex H just stopped turning up anytime he didn't feel like having DCs or "had plans" on his EOW... There are some shite parents out there.

Sounds like he's a big manchild who sulks to get his own way and doesn't see himself as responsible for any parenting other than when it suits him.

It feels like you have bigger problems than who cares for your children when sick.

Keep a note of all of these times he refuses to parent his children and share the load.

Focus on leaving and getting away from his abusive silent treatment.

Get yourself organised and get away.

Life will be better and easier.

Get good legal advice.