A whole other life and a completely different person

[Lovepieland]

Before becoming a mother…anyone else feel the same?

Not really.

I mean, there were things I liked to do that got put on hold for a bit, and obviously there were things to do with children that I hadn't done before; but it felt more of a natural progression of the same life, and definitely the same person.

@merryhouse Do you still do the same things and live the same or a similar way to pre dc? How?

How old is you child/children?
I sort of know what you mean, before kids seems like a lifetime ago and I cant imagine do what I used to do then now but I don't miss it, I love my life pre and post kids for different reasons.

Yes. But I had to grow and my life had to change to be the mother that I am. Motherhood is full of sacrifice.

My dc is almost 4

Yes life is completely different for me. I miss my old life!

Yes I pine for it often as I had two close together and feel I am in a tough and thankless phase of parenting.

Yes deffo , I’ve am always tired , and as much as l love him so so much , I hate the morning and bedtime battles , I never realised how easy life was before

This pretty much. I am a bit more organised and a bit less spontaneous, mainly for logistical reasons. But I still very much have my own identity and my own interests. But I'm also not someone who necessarily thinks that motherhood is a sacrifice.

Not really. Just a richer, happier, more meaningful/contented version of life before.

@Overtired201984 It really was! Just so simple & easy, so relaxing

Yeah I feel the same.

I don't do everything I did pre-children but that probably would have changed as we got older anyway as interests change.

On the whole I'm a better person and have a fuller life for having my children. I don't feel like my life ended and a new one started, more it changed and parts of my life were put on hold.

@mynameiscalypso I don’t know where to fit in my own interests, does that happen more the older they get?

My life has changed and is much more restricted for sure but I wouldn’t agree that motherhood has to be full of sacrifice.

I think that mindset shores up problems. I think seeing it as an exercise in self-sacrifice is also not great for your children either. Of course it imposes a lot more limits on what you can do but I don’t think it’s healthy for children to see their mothers as beings which only exist to facilitate their needs.

Yes, partly because I was quite hedonistic before but knew I would leave a lot of that behind when I was ready to have children. Partly it's because I was presented with challenges that fundamentally changed me.
But I like who I am now, and to answer your other question - yes it is easier to find time for yourself as they grow. I found the first 5 years quite intense to be honest and felt like I lost 'me' in the mire of motherhood.

My DS isn't quite 3 yet so no, not necessarily an age thing. It helps that some of my interests are connected to my job (politics, current affairs etc) but I also make sure that I do things like exercise and read. At the moment (in between scrolling on MN), I'm reading a very good book while DS is doing puzzles on the floor.

Very different.

Five years ago I was living alone as a lesbian in a beautiful Art Deco apartment in a city abroad, working as a freelance journalist, attending literary festivals with my glamorous agent.

I miss it. In my darker moments late at night it gets me down, and I wonder if I made the right choice marrying a man and moving back to a northern British city to have children.

@ChagSameachDoreen You cant change what's happened, only look forwards and maybe change certain things if you want/need to.

@Thepeopleversuswork you are right in that motherhood doesn't have to be full of sacrifice. Women will choose how much they sacrifice if at all. Like everything its a spectrum, I think women who don't sacrifice much make for poor mothers. It's a hard job which really can't be outsourced.

"I don’t know where to fit in my own interests, does that happen more the older they get?"

For me it didn't - 3 kids, 2 have additional needs. We all change as we mature, priorities change. I accept that my life had to change for them and my ability to work professionally in my old field was impossible. Hobbies changed, I changed, my job changed. Just like you're not the same person you were 10 years ago, I'm not the same person I was 10, 20, 30 yrs ago.
having a supportive partner will help and you should be able to carve out some time for you with just one 4yr old.

What do you mean when you say it “can’t be outsourced”?

Some of it clearly can and is outsourced. The fact so many mothers work is testament to this. You may approve of this fact but millions of people do it.

I can’t tell from your post if you think this is a bad thing or not.

There are obviously many elements of being a mother which only the mother can fulfill, not least the lifelong emotional bond.

But what you are saying suggests that you think your effectiveness as a mother correlates directly with the amount of yourself which you give up tp be a mother (including working as little as possible). And as someone whose mother was a grade A martyr and a poor role model to me I know that not to be true.

@Thepeopleversuswork I sort of agree with you…I don’t believe in being a martyr but I honestly don’t see how things *can’t be different, in the early years at least. Your sleep changes and becomes about them, social life, work life or sah life, everything is for them, isn’t it 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm the same person, life has changed in that now I do the stuff for myself after DC (4 years) has gone to bed, or at the weekend. I love with her and DH, and so it's pretty easy to do stuff o want to do, as he takes care of her while I'm out/away.

I really struggle with interpreting this and unsure if I'm correct in my understanding of your response.

I work full Time, I don't work as little as possible. I actually don't know anybody who works harder than me.

Your own mother has impacted your thoughts on sacrifice clearly. Nobody likes a matyr.

I think my experience is women these days go for the easy and selfish options, believing they shouldn't have to sacrifice. It will be interesting to see what their adult children think of their upbringing and how that style of parenting effects them in the long run. It will be equally as devastating in different ways to the matyr mother types i suspect.