Page 2 | A whole other life and a completely different person

Lovepieland · 2022-07-02T16:40:18+00:00

Before becoming a mother…anyone else feel the same?

Fairislefandango · 02/07/2022 20:19

Your sleep changes and becomes about them, social life, work life or sah life, everything is for them, isn’t it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not in my experience, no. I have a lot more interests than I did before I had kids! My interests pre-kids mostly involved going out and drinking! I feel that the activities and outings we did/do as a family are better than that tbh. Mine are teens now, but when they were little we took them to places we wanted to go, not just places they wanted to go. I didn't develop a 'mummy' social life based around my children at all really. I was a SAHM briefly but mostly worked part time, which I enjoyed and didn't see as a sacrifice at all tbh. I never felt like 'just a mum'.

UWhatNow · 02/07/2022 20:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Elmoliveshere · 02/07/2022 20:27

I felt like I had walked into someone else’s life. I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. Took me a good 18 months to settle into life as a mother.

TheKeatingFive · 02/07/2022 20:29

Yup absolutely, that's a great way of describing it

Holidayworries · 02/07/2022 20:30

I don't recognise the person who wrote my Facebook updates in 2008, but that was way before kids for me. I wince at my showing off! I hope I'd never do that now. But that's not a motherhood thing. I just needed to grow up a bit!

fghj149 · 02/07/2022 20:31

Reading this pg was a bad choice 😂

Calledakaren · 02/07/2022 20:33

I'm mot sure it every felt like a whole other life. Having a newborn certainly changed my lifestyle dramatically.

It took until my youngest was 2yo to feel the old me coming through stronger than the new me and it think that was very much tied into sleep deprivation - both children terrible sleepers and I breastfeed for a long time. I started going back to the gym at night, going out with friends and away for work.

I think it also depends on who you have sharing the load with you. If they are not pulling their weight it's going to take a lot longer.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/07/2022 20:34

@Lalosalamanca

I think my experience is women these days go for the easy and selfish options, believing they shouldn't have to sacrifice.

What exactly do you mean by this though? Are you talking about work? going out? friendships and hobbies? New partners?

It's hard to know exactly what you mean by "sacrifice" but this could be applied to pretty much anything. A woman who believes she shouldn't have to sacrifice the right to work is one thing. A woman who believes they shouldn't have to sacrifice the right to take crystal meth every night is quite another. What is the sacrifice you're describing?

mnnewbie111 · 02/07/2022 20:40

I've made sure I haven't neglected friendships and have a girls night as often as I'm able, that helps me feel normal. I love the changes tho. Every time I see tiny shoes in the hall I'm like "fuck me, I've got kids" and I love it

mnnewbie111 · 02/07/2022 20:41

However , I REALLY don't even enjoy the Sunday pub lunch as much as I used to. Little attention whores can ruin it somewhat

Lalosalamanca · 02/07/2022 20:56

@Thepeopleversuswork no I mean outside of work.

It appears to me that more and more women are working full time then spending their free time on themselves. There's only 24 hours in a day and little to non of it is spent with or on their children.

It seems women are reluctant to sacrifice anything at all. I don't believe this makes for a good mother though. It's the opposite of matyr mum and neither is good. It's damaging to the child.

Fairislefandango · 02/07/2022 21:12

I think my experience is women these days go for the easy and selfish options, believing they shouldn't have to sacrifice.

What kinds of 'easy and selfish' options do you mean?

Fairislefandango · 02/07/2022 21:15

Oh sorry - cross-posted. It is possible to spend time for yourself and time for your children. I notice you are picking on mothers for this. Do you think fathers are choosing the 'selfish' option too? It is it fine for them to have time to themselves because they're not mothers?

Lalosalamanca · 02/07/2022 21:17

Sorry should of been more specific. Parenting requires sacrifice. So yes I believe men should sacrifice as much as women should

Orville90 · 02/07/2022 21:17

No not really. I always think that parents who feel this way are just doing it all wrong. Sorry OP

Zone2NorthLondon · 02/07/2022 21:19

Well, I was more spontaneous. Able to go out when I fancied and didn’t feel encumbered or inhibited. Oh, and able to go to the toilet alone, without hearing Mumeeeeeeeee! Where are you or crying babies

Lalosalamanca · 02/07/2022 21:19

That's your interpretation @Fairislefandango my intention was not.to "pick on" mothers.

I've been discussing motherhood as the op was reflecting on her life pre and post children

Mycatsgoldtooth · 02/07/2022 21:22

I’m unrecognisable to myself. I’m a much nicer person now, but I’m not the main character in my own life anymore.

Anyoneforetonmess · 02/07/2022 21:22

@Orville90 How are they doing it all wrong?

ArtOfTheImpossible · 02/07/2022 21:27

Yes I went from being a single professional in a global city, work hard play hard, adult life without any children in it really. To lone pregnant woman then lone parent in a small village surrounded by married couples and old folks. Haven't had another relationship or done much except work full time, parent and clean in 10 years. It's hard to feel like you have your own identity. Not even having another adult to talk to, ever really it's like that part of you is in an old dusty box on the shelf. I don't expect it's the same for everyone.

Dowhatdowullywup · 02/07/2022 21:31

Yes I feel the same op.
I have 2 Yr old & 6 month old. Both pandemic babies - I became riddled with health anxiety when my first dc was born and that was sooo not me before kids I was easy breezy, go with flow, nothings a problem type. That specific anxiety has calmed down a lot thankfully but I do feel I just worry generally a lot more which is exhausting and feels so alien to me as not who I was before

I have also had to admit recently that I have lost all pre kids social life as I have either been with a newborn in lockdown, pregnant during covid and now back in small infant stage again ex bf. My friends without kids don't really want me bringing them along to social gatherings if it can be avoided and other friends with kids have contrasting schedules especially if not same age. I have had to turn down a lot of invites and now they seem to no longer come my way..

However, I am generally content and enriched by having my dc but yes daydream regularly about 'getting some life back' I guess right now it's more an emblem of hope as opposed to a reality I suppose

blebbleb · 02/07/2022 21:35

Not really. I still feel like me and have the same interests. Maybe a bit less time to myself now but I wasn't much of a party animal before that and my husband shared the parenting equally so I can still be me.

Googlecanthelpme · 02/07/2022 21:53

I am still my own person and have my own interests and wants and needs but the main issue is I have no real time for myself.

my own time is limited to an hour here and there at the gym - pre kids I’d have spent a couple hours on a weekend morning but now it’s dash in dash out.

same with things like reading, I used to devour a couple of books a week, I’ve not got through one this year yet. I’m too bloody tired by the time I get into bed, it’s one chapter and im snoring.

I don’t feel I’ve lost myself but then I have a very good relationship where we both encourage and support each other to have our own time - even if it’s just a dog walk on our own or a bath on a Sunday morning.

I work full time, study, have pets and couple of kids. We have zero childcare outside of that which we pay for - so date nights don’t really happen, girls holidays are a thing of the past and relaxing lazy Sunday mornings are about 8 years away yet.

if i had more childcare options it would be better, I think this is a huge part of it. I know once my kids are older and they can go to weekend hobbies and friends houses and sleep overs and stuff, it’ll be a lot easier to get some time back.

IM not fundamentally different but I have sacrificed a lot of the things which meant a lot to me as a single person.

Anyoneforetonmess · 02/07/2022 21:59

@Googlecanthelpme What age would you say the lazy Sunday mornings come back?

TwentyOneTwentyTwo · 02/07/2022 22:00

Sort of yeah. I'm able to do most of the things I used to enjoy now but I was never much into pub or club nights out. So it's easier for me to be closer to life before motherhood. I don't get to do as much of it is the difference.

However I do miss sleeping when I'm tired and eating when I'm hungry. I could have a nap on the weekend and could take my time eating whatever I fancied when I fancied it almost. Now I feel like I'm always rushing meals or waking up groggy. Knowing if I don't eat/sleep now I'll be waiting a while for the next opportunity is frustrating. I know it's not forever though and I'm enjoying being a mum on the whole.

Another bright side is that being a mother and having to push through feelings and situations I'd have noped out of in the past has made me realise I'm so much more capable and resilient than I ever thought I was. In turn it's made me way more confident and comfortable, especially trying new things or talking to new people.

Swings and roundabouts really, and some days feel worse than others. Even though it's sometimes hard try and make the most of it now, it makes such a difference later on.