A whole other life and a completely different person

[Lovepieland]

Before becoming a mother…anyone else feel the same?

I am much more grown up and responsible and far less self destructive. My DD has given me a reason to care about living and being healthy that I didn’t have before. This has changed my personality a lot. I am less dramatic, more balanced. I have different interests now too. But it has all complemented my ageing process so I am pleased things have turned out this way. I actually don’t even want to think about what I would be like now if I didn’t have my DD.

I’m pretty much still me, though I can’t work as my DD is disabled and can’t walk or talk. But now she’s in school I can do things. Except… I can’t earn money and that drives me nuts.
I am however very much enamoured with my DD. She’s the sweetest little girl and is so funny. I always thought I’d be a rubbish mum, but now I’d have 20 (except this one is the only one I’ll have)

Hmm - I feel it's a very different life but that I am fundamentally the same person living it.

I've got 3 kids under 6 so I've done a long stretch in the baby/ toddler zone and it's tough. So demanding emotionally and hard to carve out time for yourself.

But the time I do have - I still have the same interests, I still care about the same things. I feel like motherhood has opened another door inside myself and unlocked a piece of me that was dormant. But if I'd never opened that door, I'd still be me and I'd recognise myself.

I don't know if it makes a difference but I had my kids late. 37 when oldest was born. I think you know yourself pretty well at that age. I've just added qualities rather than changed - that's what it feels like to me.

My sons are 28 and 29 now. I found the early years incredibly hard. It was like a bomb going off. My marriage couldn't take the strain. I spent years as a frazzled supply teacher. My mind often wandered to 'what ifs' and the fabulous , glamorous life I could have been living. It got easier ( teenage years a bit.....trying) and now it is utterly fabulous. I have a lovely relationship with them both and with their wonderful wives. I am also a granny. None of that comes without all the stuff, good and bad, that goes before. I joined a walking group recently. Last week we had a new member. We were chatting and it turns out she is almost exactly the same age as me. She has recently moved from London. She is single, never married and has no children. She had a very glamorous, well paid job organising huge events for famous and very wealthy people. It all sounded like the life I used to dream of. She asked about my life and my family. " I wish I had your life" she said. " I let my job take over. I would love to be a granny". I am glad I had the life I had. I haven't been to a gallery opening attended by Elton John but when I see my sons with my grandson I can't regret a second of it all.

Nah, I’m the same, my lifestyle is the same and my physique is the same.

Those were the three deals I made with myself when I was prenatally depressed and contemplating whether to kill myself, have an abortion and lose my husband, or go ahead with the pregnancy. I opted for the third (sort of felt I had no choice at the time) and vowed nothing would change. And it hasn’t really, I just have a new, small companion who requires regular snacks.

No, not really for me.

I certainly have to be more organised and less spontaneous than before, and I’m a lot more tired. However, both DP and I have regained, to some extent, our social lives (albeit we tend to socialise separately more, with our respective friends, while the other provides childcare) and both at work full-time.

Its certainly different but I wouldn’t describe it as a totally different life and person.

Outwardly my life doesn’t look that different. Same house, same DH, similar ish job to what I might have been doing without DC (albeit part time and lower level).

But SN, difficult behaviour issues and many years of broken sleep have affected who I am as a person. A lot of my optimism and energy has gone out of the window. I’m on eggshells waiting for the next meltdown or call from school. At least the sleep is ok now, and I guess I’ve developed skills like patience (not as much as I could do with though). I love my DC very much and wouldn’t be without them, but the experience has definitely put me through the wringer. And limited what I can do in other areas of my life.

I don't do everything I did pre-children but that probably would have changed as we got older anyway as interests change.

Yep same for me. I don't go to nightclubs now but neither do my child free friends, that tailed off in our late 20s.

I don't think my life has really changed. Maybe that means my life was a bit boring before. I wasn't a journalist living in a war zone or a movie star. I had a normal job that I still have now. I don't go on dates now but I didn't really before - my DH and I aren't really "romance" types. I still have the same friends and see them the same amount, once every 2 months. I still exercise at the gym, and read books, and swim. I go to concerts. I still travel, alone and with my kids. I don't have any family support but my DH does his share.

One big change is that I get up a lot earlier. But the time of day you get up doesn't define you as a person.

Yes, I was different before. But all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players. One of the reasons I had children was to exit one phase of me and move on to the next entrance in life. Change doesn't have to be bad.

I felt like that, just got lost in motherhood and hard work.. but the boys got to 7 and 4 and it got MUCH easier, then me and ex split and share them alternate days so I get lots of my own time now. So I got myself back
We have never had family, grandparents etc to have them, never had babysitters so we never got a break. I don't want to recommend splitting up families but for both of us it has been amazing. We are awesome parents when we have them and then have our own time to be ourselves.

@Greengagesnfennel love this outlook! I agree

Yes. I had my dd at 24 as a single parent. I feel like I missed out on so much and that my life would’ve turned out differently if I had at least waited to have kids. Plus I’m not very maternal so parenting was very draining for me.

Yes but partly because birth trauma has left long repercussions for my mental and physical health

Yes life completely changed when I had DCs but it didn't come as a shock to me. I think sometimes this is the issue that peoples expectations of parenting don't match the reality and the abrupt change of lifestyle comes as a big shock. I was fortunate to have done all the things I wanted to go in my 20's with work, travel and lots of going out so I had no regrets and I was ready for the next chapter. Thats not to say it has been easy, I have found it incredibly hard at times especially with DH working long hours and very little family support.

Yes definitely. And it's refreshing to read I'm not alone.
I was a party animal and had quite a hedonistic life before meeting my partner and having DD. It's hard to believe that just 10 years ago I was living that life. I'd love to go back for just one day.
I found the early years of having a child so tough as I had no responsibilities in my life previously. I've grown as a person and have to put someone else first.
I think I'm a great mum now but some of us have to work at it and that's true of me.

Yes, absolutely.

I wonder if it is age related? I had 2 decades of adulthood before becoming a mother.

DD1 is autistic. This fact has changed every aspect of what I imagined parenthood to be. A disabled child utterly changes your view of life.

There is hardly any of 'me' left. I am a mummy and a carer. 10 years in and the teenage years yet to come.