To find my 4 year old dictator really hard work?

[StrawberryLace2]

Hi

I'm really struggling

My 4 year old DS over the last year has become a very strong willed and difficult child who is a total jekyll and hyde

He is very kind and sweet and he is fantastic when at nursery with family (occasionally bad behaviour like a normal 4 year old) or playing with other children
I have meet with nursery 3 times in the last year to ensure this is still the case

But at home with me he is a different child!!!
He hits me all the time he screams at me, won't do something I ask him to unless he has total control
I have got some advice and worked hard on correcting his behaviour he has 2-3 days where he clearly try's really hard and then it all goes wrong again, he is normally upset he has hurt me but sometimes he laughs

My DH blames me as he thinks I'm soft and too calm with him
I have tried ignoring him when he is bad, I have tried thinking chairs/steps I have also with his help (when calm)written down house rules and consequences and he knows the things he loses when he hits, so regularly loses his rights to watch TV/have pudding and etc
And of course I have shouted lost my temper but this is occasional in front of him

This morning he woke at 4 so I went to cuddle him, we fell back asleep until 6, when he woke up he said get me some milk, I calmly said yes but it's can I have some milk please and he hit me hard in the face repeatedly

He is totally controlling my life and I know it's wrong and I am honestly not sure what to do so looking for advice / experience?

Have a read of the book "How to talk so little kids will listen" I found this really helpful when going through something similar, there are some really useful strategies and it also helped me to understand some of the behaviour.

What were the consequences for hitting you in the face?

How did you deal with the hitting incident this morning?

I think I would have said ‘you need to ask nicely’ instead of saying ‘yes’, but qualifying it.

You sound like a lovely mum but I think you could be firmer with him.

What did you do when he hit you repeatedly in the face?

I calmly said I don't like that and said I was leaving him for him to have some thinking time for being unkind,
I went downstairs and left him I could hear him crying in his room
After 5 minutes I went in and he said sorry and as he always is is very loving and upset I said it's not kind to hit and it hurts and then I said that I had some water for him if he was thirsty which he had rather than milk, he has come downstairs and asked to watch Tv and I said maybe later if he keeps being good and he is now drawing

OP I know it’s very hard, and you sound lovely, but I think in the long run, you are doing yourself and your DS an injustice by allowing him to behave like this. Children will invariably think of themselves first, but it’s our job to remind them that respect is reciprocal.

Hurting someone does not lead to what you want, it means that that person is now too sore/upset to do what you have asked.

Not using manners means that you don’t get what you want until you do use your manners.

It’s important to remember that he will just become bigger and stronger, and his behaviour towards you won’t improve unless you show him the behaviour necessary to achieve him aims.

Best of luck!

He's safe to hit you, so he does, your calmness is not a consequence or deterrent. He knows how to behave clearly, so its not that. You don't have to be calm all the time op. Maybe some emotion from his mother is what he's needing

I think you maybe need to be stricter. If mine had hit me in the face repeatedly at 6am he wouldn't be getting a drink, and he wouldn't be getting out of bed to draw. He'd have been told I was too sore to get him his drink and put him back to bed. Though i am by no means perfect either but i think intentionally hitting you in the face repeatedly needs stronger consequences

I wouldn’t be ‘calm’ when being hit in the face.
A loud, firm ‘Do not hit!’ Would be more effective than gentle calmness and reasoning. And let him see that you are sore and upset. He needs to see the consequences of his actions.
You don’t have to be a meek punching bag.

Quite a lot there to unpick.

Why are you using (sweet) food for punishment/reward? Do you think this is a good idea in the long run? I try to keep food and meal times as void of emotion as possible, obviously this is easier said than done when my 4yo has a pink ice-cream!!

Try not to make the first thing you say in the morning negative, doesn't mean you can't work on manners later in the day, but it's kind of sad to start the day like that.

You call him a 'dictator', but how many choices and decisions does he actually get to make in a day? You need to engineer the situation so that he has choices, but that every thing he does choose is satisfactory to you and safe. This way when you get to something where he absolutely doesn't get a say in he is a bit more chilled out.

Make sure you have a small collection of kids cups, plates, bowls, let him choose which one, whenever he eats out drink.

When you offer a drink give him a choice, it doesn't have to be a big list just 'milk, Apple juice, orange juice, water' is all I offer DD.

Let him choose what he wears. I regular take DD out and about in her party dress, sometimes fancy dress. I've never felt judged, but DD has made a lot of people smile.

DD is in a school playgroup/nursery class so in uniform 4 days a week, but she has a selection of different options (summer dress, skirt, shorts/ cardigan, logo school jumper, zip hoodie) so can have a bit of control.

On her day off school I look at the weather (and my bank balance) and give her a list of options for activity and let her choose.

If your car is safe enough you can give him the choice of having his car seat in the front or back.

DD gets to use kids YouTube where she is in control of what she watches (within reason).

None of these things really matter to you, but will give him some control over his life, and make him more compliant when you really need him to be.

Sorry, OP but you need to step up. If you don’t teach him that it’s wrong to hit, he might really hurt another child. You’re not doing him any favours by letting this behaviour continue. Do you want him to be that kid that no one wants to invite to the party?

I wouldn’t be calm and gentle! He’s 4 not a baby! I would be upset and say ‘I don’t want a cuddle now as you’ve really hurt me’

why are people so scared to hurt their child’s feelings? How will they learn otherwise?

So he had a brief time out and TV? There should be no TV for hitting like that.

I don't think you should punish by withholding food and drink. How is his behaviour at preschool or nursery? If he is well behaved there, look at their behaviour management strategies.
Be consistent, no hitting at all. Get down to his level and talk to him about why hitting is wrong.
Teachers are encouraged to ignore bad behaviour and praise good behaviour. Make a big fuss of him if he manages to control his tendencies to lash out. Praise big children who do not hit ( on tv for example). Try to make him feel he is winning and getting better at being a good sensible boy.
He is still little. It is amazing the collective power of a class modelling good behaviour. Hopefully his behaviour will much improve when he starts school

Thank you all

I used to lose my temper more and be much more upset with him, and act exactly how some of you have described I should and i agree with a lot of things said and thank you for your opinions

After speaking to heath visors and GP and nursery for some help the way I am dealing with it like this morning's example is based on the advice of professionals as I have been told big reactions mean big attention and he will keep doing it

I know that the advice given by those professionals isn't working which is why I reached out this morning so thank you I am going to get my big girl pants on today

he gets plenty of choice and often goes out dressed in all sorts
He has choose of food (within reason ) and other things which give him a lot of control over his life
I take on board about puddings not being a good consequence and I don't want to create an unhealthy relationship with food I just know it is something he is upset about losing as he has my sweet tooth but agree it might not be the best thing thank you

Great post @Cyw2018 . Really good suggestions. Do make him feel he is making progress and he is learning to be a big boy. He will want your praise. It is horrible to be labelled as a ´bad' boy. Most children want to please their teachers and parents.

After speaking to heath visors and GP and nursery for some help the way I am dealing with it like this morning's example is based on the advice of professionals as I have been told big reactions mean big attention and he will keep doing it

There's a difference between big reactions and being totally calm. I would have thought the best response to being hit in the face would be a sharp "Stop doing that NOW, no I am not going to get you milk when you hurt me" followed by putting him back in his room and then ignoring him.

I disagree with ‘teachers are encouraged to ignore bad behaviour’
Thats only for low level things in the classroom like shouting out of it means you’re giving a child more attention again in favour of other children.
I would hope there’s no teacher who would ignore hitting, shouting orders etc.

I don't think you need to lose your temper to have a strong reaction to something.
You can put your hand up in the stop sign in a firm and loud voice while saying
"Stop Hitting Me. I will not allow that" and removing him/you from the situation.
That can be done with authority and force but not anger and aggression.
Then follow up with clearly explained consequences.
In fact that will teach him that you will not be walked over.

Sorry sent that before finishing-
It will teach him that you can't be walked over and gives them a boundary that they sometimes actually crave.
I think big actions from the child need a bigger reaction but this can still be done calmly just strongly.
My little one is quite a dictator at home, and by the looks of things will also be at nursery! But I always think- how will I teach her to stand up for herself unless I firmly but kindly stand up for myself!
Xx

@1AngelicFruitCake
The way most teachers would deal with really bad behaviour such as hitting would be removal to another classroom for a while, away from their peers or removal to sit with the Head or Deputy.
Children want to fit in with their peers. Many children who are badly behaved at home are very good in a classroom situation. You will have come across the toughest kids who always model excellent behaviour with certain teachers. These excellent teachers do not shout or get stressed, which is unsettling for the class. Modelling good behaviour and praising and rewarding good behaviour is the most effective behaviour management strategy
Your four year old will be fine OP. You are doing the right things. It is hard being four.

I agree you’re not helping the situation or your son. I follow gentle parenting but if you need to be proportional and consistent.

As a teacher I would ignore some behaviour but never hitting.

It sounds like he has too much control! You need to be firmer.

Good advice from @makinganavalon . I don't think anyone is suggesting that you lose your temper with him, or over-react. But it is appropriate to have a firm reaction to being hit in the face. You need to have (kind) authority, as a parent. It scares the crap out of kids if you don't and drives them to test your boundaries.

Parkperson
I agree, shouting and reacting to everything isn’t the sign of a good teacher.
It does depend on your school, there might not always be somewhere for a child to go to if head/deputy are out unfortunately.
Young children also need to see their peers behaviour be dealt with promptly and effectively. Ofcourse don’t react to every little thing but negative behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud with lots of praise for positive behaviour.

Im a teacher, which I’m assuming you are as well 😄

OP, I’m not the perfect parent and I have my own struggles with my children but I think there have got to be somethings that are unacceptable e.g. hitting.

maybe sit him down and say from now on no hitting, if anyone hits in this house this is the consequence and then stick to it.