To find my 4 year old dictator really hard work?

[StrawberryLace2]

Hi

I'm really struggling

My 4 year old DS over the last year has become a very strong willed and difficult child who is a total jekyll and hyde

He is very kind and sweet and he is fantastic when at nursery with family (occasionally bad behaviour like a normal 4 year old) or playing with other children
I have meet with nursery 3 times in the last year to ensure this is still the case

But at home with me he is a different child!!!
He hits me all the time he screams at me, won't do something I ask him to unless he has total control
I have got some advice and worked hard on correcting his behaviour he has 2-3 days where he clearly try's really hard and then it all goes wrong again, he is normally upset he has hurt me but sometimes he laughs

My DH blames me as he thinks I'm soft and too calm with him
I have tried ignoring him when he is bad, I have tried thinking chairs/steps I have also with his help (when calm)written down house rules and consequences and he knows the things he loses when he hits, so regularly loses his rights to watch TV/have pudding and etc
And of course I have shouted lost my temper but this is occasional in front of him

This morning he woke at 4 so I went to cuddle him, we fell back asleep until 6, when he woke up he said get me some milk, I calmly said yes but it's can I have some milk please and he hit me hard in the face repeatedly

He is totally controlling my life and I know it's wrong and I am honestly not sure what to do so looking for advice / experience?

I don't think you're doing anything horribly wrong OP.

If it was me (and it frequently is me - one of my dc is a hitter!) I would tiny bit more of a show of looking upset, rubbing where he hit and saying 'ow that really hurt me', so he understands the consequence of hitting. If hitting is a problem, have you you tried reading him a book about why he shouldn't hit? One of my dcs was a biter and I bought a book with tips on what to do when he felt angry/out of control. We read the book at least once a day for months, practising all the techniques together and he still uses those techniques now he's a bit older.

With my dc who hits, after he is calm we talk through why it happened (what happened before, what was he thinking, etc), and he comes up with ideas for how he could have behaved differently. Sometimes we will role play the scene again or use toys to act it out so he can visualise how that would look. He is a bit older than your ds though.

What I've found with my dc is that if I show loads of emotion he gets more wound up and the situation escalates; if I stay super calm and unemotional he reads that as me being happy.

OP please please ignore the advice about refusing your DS drink, this is crossing over a line into abuse.

If you wake in the morning feeling dry, thirsty and hungry, you will get out of bed and do something about it. It's summer, so unsurprising that he's thirsty in the morning. Also thirst and hunger signals get mixed up and aren't always clear as an adult let alone a 4yo. At his age he can't just fix this thirst/hunger by himself. In this situation it is your responsibility as his mum to act immediately. I always have a cup of water on DDs bed side table (one of her toddler 360 cups). Also could you start teaching him to get his own drink. Put his cups low level, teach him to move a stool to the sink etc.

On the hitting, if DD is ever rough, I will tell her firmly no, and what it is she is doing that is the problem and explain that if she continues I will get up and move away to a separate chair or different room. Then follow through if necessary. You don't need to shout, and you certainly shouldn't be loosing your temper over behaviour which is within the normal range for a 4yo.

If he is playing up or tantruming then ask yourself why. First things to rule out or correct are hunger, thirst, tiredness and overstimulation. These things are all on you as his mother to alter his schedule or preempt. Every time he does hit or tantrum reflect on it, why you think it might have happened and what you/your DH could have done differently. For me the things I have learnt is to always have easy, healthy (ish) snacks in my handbag and glove box, as DD gets 'hangry'. Also I politely declined after-school playdates if it has been clear before school that DD was tired or if TA handing her over mentions that she was tired. My friends then go with their 4yo and it has often been reported back that it was not a success with mega tantrums all round. Then friends comment how my DD is always chilled out and they've never seen her tantrum.

Now a little time has passed, I think you need to calmly sit and ask him why he is hitting you, that is really not usual behaviour at 4. Is he stressed or overwhelmed from nursery and taking it out on you? Is it because he feels overwhelmingly angry on the moment? Does he struggle to contain his responses due to neurodiversity and needs extra support? It's no good him saying sorry if he keeps doing this, he needs to stop but it sounds like he needs some help.

He sounds just like my DS who was an absolute nightmare at that age. First off, I'd like to say that you are obviously doing a good job because he knows how to behave away from home.
However, he still needs to learn how to behave towards his mother, the person he feels safest with. I think it's beneficial to occasionally show how angry you are. Being calm and gentle is fine for small behavioural issues, like picking his nose or eating with his hands.
So for example, being hit in the face for a minor issue should elicit a strong reaction from you: hold his hand tight to stop the hitting and say in a strict and raised voice that hitting is unacceptable. I would then leave the room and go back in after a couple of minutes with his milk, talk about the incident and tell him there will be no screen time today.
I understand where you are coming from because I used to read a lot of parenting books that advocate being gentle and calm always. But when you are being hit, scratched and are having your hair pulled by a child who is old enough to know better, not showing how angry you are is doing your child a disservice. He needs to learn that he isn't supposed to use violence with anyone, not even his mother.
It will get better OP, you are already doing a good job and 4 years is a very difficult age in my experience.

The biggest punishment for DD is not having my attention. When she hits – rarely tbf so take my advice with a pinch of salt – she gets a firm “Hey! We do NOT hit. That’s very, very naughty and hurts Mummy, I don’t feel like cuddling you now” or whatever, and followed by no playing. I’ll interact – I’m not going to leave her without water or help her on the loo, but I’m not going to be “fun parent” and play or chatter. She hates it.

When he says sorry, do you talk to him about why he does it and how to manage big feelings? DD will say “I hit you because I was angry when you said…” and then we’ll talk about (a) what she should do when she’s angry instead of hitting and (b) if I could say something differently. Sometimes no, because I’m in charge, but sometimes it can be something like an easy rephrasing – like instead of you saying “Yes, but” to milk, it might be that you first talk about please and then say yes. Once that yes is out there and walked back could be what set him off?

I agree the calm isn’t working. You don’t have to lose your shit and give him attention through a big reaction but you do need to draw a hard line.

This morning he woke at 4 so I went to cuddle him, we fell back asleep until 6, when he woke up he said get me some milk, I calmly said yes but it's can I have some milk please and he hit me hard in the face repeatedly
😲 OP this is shocking!

I know some may disagree with my approach, but when my dc's have hit either me or their sibling I say "OK so shall I hit you? Is that what we do now? Do we hit each other?". They always say no and I ask them why. Then we talk about how hitting hurts, its not kind, someday the person might hit you back harder etc. I know people probably judge me for it but I don't care, I've never hit my dc's and I never would but I want to say something that makes them stop and think about the consequences of their actions.

I get that you might not want to threaten to hit your ds 😂 but when he tries to hit you grab his hands and say (very firmly) "No we do not hit, we do not hurt each other".

I think you are way too calm. You seem to prioritise staying calm above everything else and I suspect you take it too far to the point of being passive. Hitting is absolutely unacceptable and it requires a much stronger reaction than a minor misdemeanor.

Just remember that it's not only you that has to deal with your ds. You are raising a human that will grow into an adult. Over his life a lot of people will have to interact with him (work, relationships, friendships, serve him in shops and restaurants etc) and you need to make sure you raise someone that understands the importance of treating others with respect and kindness. Time to toughen up OP.

It is possible to give them too much control which makes them overwhelmed.

Did you let him hit you repeatedly in the face? I physically restrain my kids on the very rare occasion they get violent. Not to hurt them, I’m not rough with them but I just stop them from hurting others. To just take being repeatedly hit hard in the face seems really daft and somehow validates that it’s an ok thing to do.

Thinking about it, I'd probably also ask DS if anyone else was hitting him. This behavior is coming from somewhere.

Try moving away from him before giving instructions.

So for example this morning when he demands milk - get up, walk towards door and kitchen and say "I'll be downstairs when you want to come and get milk. Don't forget your manner when asking".

Then disappear.

He has no audience then for his demands and behaviour and no possibility to hit you.

When he asks for things nicely say things like "oh my ears heard that loud and clear. They hear lovely manners so well they can respond".

Try and avoid giving him opportunities where he can hurt you for his needs to be met. Always take a step away when telling him things or correcting him and if he goes towards you to hit - walk away and say you'll listen when he can talk nicely. Shit yourself in another room if needs be. But make it abundantly clear you are not accepting that behaviour.

I also agree with not using pudding as a reward or punishment. It's never recommended to use food this way and also it can mean that negative spiral where he's behaving badly and then can't turn it around because he's hungry and so feeling even more grumpy.

It's not abuse and that makes a mockery of real abuse cases!

Refusing to get him what he wants for a short period of time because he has been repeatedly hitting his mother in the face is not abuse.

My ds has never hit me but being hypothetical- IF he did I'd say in a stern voice that we must never hit and that he's made me very upset and needs to think about his behaviour. There is no way I'd be calm! He'd have direct consequences too.

Also where is he having thinking time? If it's in his room which is I presume full of toys it's not going to have an effect.

My boy hit me when he was 4. I was so shocked!

I knew that one day he would be bigger and stronger than me and so I knew that I had to take a really firm stand and draw a line in the sand and show him that there are some lines you never, ever cross. One of them being you never, ever hit a girl/lady and especially not your Mummy.

So I used a very dramatic low and slow voice with a face of utter horror. "You never, ever hit. And you certainly never, ever got your Mummy".

I went to his bedroom and picked three toys (ones that I knew he never really played with, not any special ones). I told him to choose which one he was going to throw into the bin and would never see again for hitting his Mummy. He picked a party bag type cheap digger. I honestly don't think that he believed I would make him do it but we went outside to the proper outdoor bin and I made him put it in there with a reminder of why he was having to throw one of his toys away.

I also preempted Daddy and grandparents to express horror with the words like "No! You didn't hit your Mummy, did you? Oh no, we don't do that!" when I mentioned it to them in front of my boy.

So the message was reinforced several times over what a big no no it was. Plus a reminder that if he ever hit me again it would be another toy going in the bin.

He was so upset about this toy that he never really played with. I reminded him on bin day to say goodbye to the toy that he'd never see again because he hit his Mummy.

It sounds really over the top but he's now a huge (eye to eye with me and I'm not short!), strong pre teen with a diagnosis of ASD. He still remembers that consequence. He's had some almighty autistic meltdowns where he has got close to my face and screamed in it and even lifted his hand up once to hit out but then stopped himself. He's never, ever laid a finger on me again.

It needs to be nipped in the bud with something dramatic while he's still small, I think.

Your passive approach to him hitting you clearly is not working. You're, effectively, teaching him that it's okay to hit a female.
Toughening up does not mean become harsh or abusive, but something needs to change, as he's not a toddler.
Has anyone suggested neurodiversity might be at play?

We went through this with my son, probably slightly older - it got out of control during the lockdowns and I was at my wits end. What worked for us was making it an absolute hard line - we explained to him that hitting/kicking was absolutely unacceptable - he would get a warning if he did it, and then if he carried on he lost access to his electronics for that day/next day if it happened at night (as this was the thing he cared most about losing) - and we avoided using that as a consequence for anything else. The first time we used it he got angrier, but we stuck to our guns - didn't throw in extra "punishments" just carried through with the consequence. Within about 3 days, he would stop after the first warning, and within a week he'd stopped altogether. I think the consistency and "predictability" of it helped (in that, it was the same consequence every time, he knew we would carry through, and the warning gave him a chance to stop and control himself).

This is excellent advice.

Some children are harder work than others, one of mine was trickier than the others. You just keep going with firm and fair and consistent, praise the good ignore what you can of the bad, model positive interactions, accept they are their own person. Non negotiable where it matters, hitting for eg. Remove yourself. Give choices where you can. Always expect good manners as a way of life. It is wearing but you will get there.
Just wondering how does your husband talk to you?

And I think that the discipline needs to be instilled before school age so the respect is there from day one. It's a bit too little, too late starting to put foot down when they're 7/8 when they've been allowed to behave as they like when younger.

I was firm with my pre teens/teens as pre schoolers so now I hardly ever have to lay down the law. I don't often have to say no very often, but when I do, there's very little resistance.

Neglect and emotional abuse are recognised in law as abuse, and withholding your child's basic needs for fluid would definitely come under that.

Yes, in this situation it is very short term, but it is a slippery slope, and it is therefore not appropriate to suggest it as a parenting strategy to an already struggling mum.

There is a middle road between remaining calm in the face of violence (name it for what it is) against other people, and anger and shouting. Just raising your voice and saying 'do not hit people', and walking away making it clear you are unhappy with him is enough. He will be upset, and when he's calmer, and so are you, explain it hurts you like falling over hurts him, and no one likes a child who does this. He doesn't understand hitting hurts if you react as though it doesn't. He doesn't realise it is socially unacceptable unless you make it so.

Have you ever raised your voice and told him off ? You are pandering to him, it is time to get tough or you will have an awful arrogant child on your hands. The classrooms are full of badly behaved little Prince and Princesses that have never been made to understand that their behaviour is unacceptable.

Neglect and emotional abuse are recognised in law as abuse, and withholding your child's basic needs for fluid would definitely come under that.
Yes, in this situation it is very short term, but it is a slippery slope, and it is therefore not appropriate to suggest it as a parenting strategy to an already struggling mum

I agree that it is wrong to deny a child's basic needs because of bad behaviour. But there is a hell of a difference between refusing to give a child a drink versus asking for an apology before doing so. Do you never ask your DC to say 'please" before giving them food or a drink?

When our DS was little I had a 'don't you dare...add issue' voice and an unsmiling/dull eyes face which worked very well. It was low and a bit of a growl in it. I used it rather than raising my voice.

If DS hit (which I must admit I only remember happening once), I would take his hands so he couldn't hit again and just growl the 'don't you dare hit'. In your case I'd then walk away, get the drink and when I came back I'd explain what he did wrong. 'You do not hit and you definitely do not hit me or dad. What do you say?' Then a sorry and a hug. Worked a treat as we didn't have to become a fish wife hollering in public if he misbehaved when we were out.

DS knows by the look on my face (the same one which accompanied the 'don't you dare') if he's over stepped the mark now and he's a teenager.

OP have a look at these sites,

drrossgreene.com/the-explosive-child.htm

livesinthebalance.org/

www.pdasociety.org.uk/