To find my 4 year old dictator really hard work?

[StrawberryLace2]

Hi

I'm really struggling

My 4 year old DS over the last year has become a very strong willed and difficult child who is a total jekyll and hyde

He is very kind and sweet and he is fantastic when at nursery with family (occasionally bad behaviour like a normal 4 year old) or playing with other children
I have meet with nursery 3 times in the last year to ensure this is still the case

But at home with me he is a different child!!!
He hits me all the time he screams at me, won't do something I ask him to unless he has total control
I have got some advice and worked hard on correcting his behaviour he has 2-3 days where he clearly try's really hard and then it all goes wrong again, he is normally upset he has hurt me but sometimes he laughs

My DH blames me as he thinks I'm soft and too calm with him
I have tried ignoring him when he is bad, I have tried thinking chairs/steps I have also with his help (when calm)written down house rules and consequences and he knows the things he loses when he hits, so regularly loses his rights to watch TV/have pudding and etc
And of course I have shouted lost my temper but this is occasional in front of him

This morning he woke at 4 so I went to cuddle him, we fell back asleep until 6, when he woke up he said get me some milk, I calmly said yes but it's can I have some milk please and he hit me hard in the face repeatedly

He is totally controlling my life and I know it's wrong and I am honestly not sure what to do so looking for advice / experience?

Most kids learn not to hit from a Violence Inhibition Mechanism. The idea is

• kid hits another person
• other person shows sad / fear emotions
• kid's natural empathy with the injured person means he feels sad/fear & other negative emotions
• kid learn not to do it again

So if your reaction to being hit is calm or angry, you aren't giving your child the cues he needs to learn. In the moment, you can exaggerate your expressions of pain & fear (ham it up like a bad actor) to make it really obvious that being hit causes negative feelings. Then after that moment, send him for a time out.

It sounds odd but it will help him learn the natural consequences of hitting.

It was mostly in response to the following post, which was definitely advocating not giving the child a drink, effectively as punishment.

I think you maybe need to be stricter. If mine had hit me in the face repeatedly at 6am he wouldn't be getting a drink, and he wouldn't be getting out of bed to draw. He'd have been told I was too sore to get him his drink and put him back to bed.

This is abuse.

Using a reward chart with lots of positive comments helps.

Some DC are just more stubborn and determined than others just like adults.

I have 2 niece's and a nephew who were head strong defiant DC, the 3 of them are ploughing through life the determination is serving them well as young adults.

Positive reinforcement alongside choice theory 2 option's same outcome really really helps with controlling DC.

Good luck.👍 💓

I second fake crying if he hurts you.

Thank you everyone some good advice in there which I will think about and I appreciate those with some experience sharing which is what I was really after

To clarify I do not withhold food or drink, when we he is calm we discuss what he has done wrong and then we made together a big visual poster of things he can and can't do and what the consequences are which he choose (within reason) and he choose puddings, this doesn't mean he wouldn't get seconds if hungry and if hungry before bed can always have cereal or toast so I would say fairy minor use of food as a punishment I would say

He has a drink accessible at all times even in his bedroom I leave him some water in a bottle incase he is thirsty

I think I need to be a bit stricter in other times I agree with some things said thank you

Please know that they way I dealt this morning is exactly how I was told to by a health visitor who actually told me not to react to any hitting and ignore totally

I also make a big fuss of positive behaviour and manners and he gets a lot of praise

My DH is not perfect but talks to me respectfully at home in front of DS

I don't think this sounds so terrible or unusual, as some posters do, to be honest. DS2 was acting like this at this exact time last year. He was a horror for much of the summer holidays too and we were wondering what on earth had happened to our lovely sweet boy, but it all cleared up when he started school. I think he was a bit anxious about it, a bit frustrated, a bit bored. Ready for school basically!

It is not abuse making him wait for a minute to understand the consequences of his actions and that he won't get what he wants by hitting me.

Apologies, the first part was rude and I have asked mumsnet to remove it.

The 2nd part still stands and I think the word abuse is thrown about too often on here.

I agree. You're dealing with this in exactly the right way to perpetuate his misbehaviour.

Another example of nicey nicey parenting gone badly wrong.

@Mariposista
I'm not entirely sure that you have read the thread and my responses and I think that your comment when I am really struggling and finding things really tough is particularly helpful

Advice is welcome whether it's everyone's idea or right but direct judgement on something I am doing when I have clearly stated that I have not always been nicely nicely with him and I have also seemed professional advice regularly is not helpful

Can I just say again that I am doing what I have been advised to do by 3 sources of professionals and I agree it's not working but I am not saying I am not a meek mum who doesn't believe in punishment I am clearly trying to do what's best for my child and I do not what this to continue

I'm taking on board everything said

Sorry about awful spelling on that last post type badly through teary eyes

StrawberryLace2 ignore Mariposista self righteous judgemental attitude towards your parenting.

All avenues must be ventured with a defiant difficult DC.

My DS was the same, he's 7 now and although better he is a difficult DC he'll always push against me and find regulating emotions tough, he's is a lot better, it's not easy.

My first DC was very easy, she still is, they're born with their personality.

You can modify behaviours but you won't change them without wrecking your head and theirs.

If you're seeing professionals you'll get there.

I found outside support excellent.

Looking at behaviours from a sensory POV can help you deal with them.
The lack of patience is unusually sensory overload they're like a pot of boiling water.
I done a sensory course it really helped.
I'm sure you'll find videos online.

Usually not unusual

I'm sorry you've been crying OP. Just come back on to say parenting is hard! And you have come on here because something isn't working to get advice on how to change it.
That's good parenting right there!
Hope you can take on some of our suggestions and they work for you.
All we can do is just try our best everyday to raise them. Sending you hugs and best wishes 💕

I'm with your dh. You sound so wet and wishy washy. Why are you calmly telling him, he needs a firm, loud voice and firm boundaries. No wonder he only hits you, because you have made it easy for him.

Why are you doing big wishy washy posters? And then his consequence is not to have seconds?? He doesn't deserve a first pudding at all!! This is where you are going wrong. You're too soft, he knows you can be easily manipulated. He won't try that with anyone else because there will be firm consequences elsewhere.

@Mally100 do you have any advice or experience or just judgement and unkind words??

no, stick to your guns!

OP just to add some solidarity and to say ignore the unkind and unhelpful comments! DS is also 4 and has been known to hit on occasion when he's really wound up. He's absolutely lovely with other people and at nursery, we've literally never been told that he's behaved like this to other children so I think we are doing something right, and I'm sure you are too.
We try to be firm and consistent when he loses control of his emotions but it is hard and I think it takes time. Some of the best advice I have read was from a book called Respectful parenting (or similar?) which said if they are acting up then talk in a tone like a chief executive, i.e. firm but calm, and stop them hitting by blocking them and saying "I won't let you hit me". Also Phillipa Perry's book is excellent and I highly recommend.
It will get easier!