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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand how I'm supposed to leave abusive H

60 replies

Pleasehelpme38 · 01/07/2022 22:48

I've written here before. I actually got as far as locking him out and calling the police when he wouldn't leave. He was back in a week later, complaining he was homeless and it would be better. It has not been better.

He's either ignoring or screaming at me. Throwing stuff about. He woke me up this morning shouting. He's threatened to kill me if I tried to take any money or DS. He's told me I'm ill and a danger to my child and I'm wrong if I think I'm taking his child away from him.

I work for him. I own our house. How am I actually supposed to leave? I don't have any family or friends to go to. The council wouldn't give me anywhere. I already own a house. But I can't kick him out.

And even if I got somewhere to live. He still has a right to see DS and I couldn't ever let him have him without me there.

But you can't just say "he's abusive" and stop him seeing his child. So DS is safer if I stay? But I don't want him to grow up to be like his dad. Can I still raise a good man if he lives with a narcissistic, woman hating bully?

I just feel so hopeless, and such a shit mum for bringing my little boy into this. I didn't know it would be like this.

OP posts:
Ohthiscantbeit · 01/07/2022 22:52

sorry that your going through this contact a woman’s shelter they can best advise you. Visitation can be arranged in a safe environment for your child. All the best x

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/07/2022 22:54

Have you got any friends or family that could stay with you if you chucked him out? Essentially doing the same as last time but not letting him back? Womens aid will hopefully be able to give advice. Is he abusive towards your son (aside from abusing his mum infront of him)?

goldfinchonthelawn · 01/07/2022 22:55

Plan your escape. I'd find a job elsewhere. Then change the locks, contact the police and explain the reason they've been changed is due to his escalating violence. If the house is yours, can you put it up for sale?

Dinoteeth · 01/07/2022 22:58

You work for him?

I'd think your first steps would be to find another job and get in touch with WA.

You must be able to get away from him somehow.

FungalNail · 01/07/2022 22:58

Important to report the killing threat to the police

is it worth getting him removed by the police and renting out your house temporarily? I understand this could be an impractical option

MissMaple82 · 01/07/2022 22:59

Contact womens aid or your local Homestart, they are trained in domesticviolence issues, they woll know whobto signpost you to. They will help you. There is a way around this but you need help from professionals. Please contact either of the above

Gsds · 01/07/2022 22:59

Go in a refuge, report him to the police and sell the house. Move away, get a new job and hope he doesn’t take you to court to see ds, if he does do everything you can to insure it’s supervised.
you shouldn’t have to run away and up route your life, but it’s the safest option

DivorcedAndDelighted · 01/07/2022 23:00

I think you'd be better off moving this thread to Relationships, where there are lots of wise people who can advise and who specialise in this sort of thing and know about the law.
I believe you can get an Occupation order to force your husband to leave the family home. There is more about this on these sites:

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence/eligibility-occupation

Many family law solicitors will give you a free 30 minute initial consultation, which might give you some idea of your options.

Good luck. I hope someone more knowledgeable comes along soon.

MissMaple82 · 01/07/2022 23:02

goldfinchonthelawn · 01/07/2022 22:55

Plan your escape. I'd find a job elsewhere. Then change the locks, contact the police and explain the reason they've been changed is due to his escalating violence. If the house is yours, can you put it up for sale?

If they are married or he part owns o don't think she can legally change the locks. It's only under certain circumstances you can do this

MissMaple82 · 01/07/2022 23:05

And please don't just assume he will automatically get contact. I stayed in an abusive relationship for the same reason, but trust me it doesn't always go that way, especially in complex domestic abuse situations.

PestoPasghetti · 01/07/2022 23:07

Am I misreading or is he threatening to kill your son?

Hankunamatata · 01/07/2022 23:23

You locked him out, called the police. Do this again and dont let him back. Speak to womens aid, look at freedom programme and see if you can get a restraining order.

MrsMoastyToasty · 02/07/2022 00:39

You ignore him when he says he'll be homeless. That's his problem, not yours.

Rahrahrahrahannoyed · 02/07/2022 00:54

Call women's aid and just tell everything. They will understand.
They were very helpful and listened to me, they are used to finding ways of getting people out of manipulative situations.

smileandsing · 02/07/2022 01:22

Speak to a solicitor and apply for an occupation order. He'll be served court papers regarding this so it will be a very uncomfortable and potentially dangerous time for you to be around him. He may attempt to win you round again. The hard bit is staying strong while you wait for the order to be approved.
While you wait either leave temporarily or lock him out for your safety and mental wellbeing. He can legally challenge you locking him out of the marital home so that is a risk, but probably worth it, it's better than living with him when he knows you're in the process of getting him out. He may kick off, if that happens call the Police, this will also serve as evidence of his abusive behaviour.

It's very hard to know what to do for the best, I know. Your child will be better off away from the toxic relationship you have, that is a certainty. Don't worry about contact, that can be sorted later, with supervision in place if necessary.

Please get support from others, Women's Aid are great, also you could call the National domestic abuse helpline. These people have the knowledge, experience and contacts to help you, but most of all they will support you when you are really going to need it.

It's going to be hard, but it will be worth it. Good luck

Nat6999 · 02/07/2022 01:35

Ring the police, they can remove him & his bail conditions stop him from coming near you or your home. Then see a solicitor to start the process for an occupation order.

smileandsing · 02/07/2022 01:40

Nat6999 what happens if there are no bail conditions because he isn't charged with anything? Mine was very good at 'no comment' interviews leaving the Police with only my statement as evidence; not enough to charge him. So he would be free to return. They did sometimes suggest locking him out if I was scared and calling them if he reacted badly though...

QueenCamilla · 02/07/2022 02:04

@Nat6999
My ex was barred from coming near me/our son "pending investigation". Abusive/crude messages were enough of an evidence.
Also, I was the one who stayed in the house (only my ex on the mortgage and deeds) whilst the police were urging me to get an occupation order.

I suppose this goes to show that the support from the authorities can be inconsistent...

OP, seek an occupation order, report all abuse (and threats to kill in particular ), sell the house for a clean break! Make sure you get a new property, so he doesn't feel "at home" coming back. Move on and... Move on!

GaryLurcher19 · 02/07/2022 03:50

I understand why you feel trapped. Completely. But the way you are seeing it is a product of the relationship - itself unbalanced - and part of the trap.

First, call women's aid, honestly they are the experts. They will almost certainly tell you to see a solicitor, do that. If only for advice. Think about changing jobs.

If he threatens you or throws things around, call the police. When anyone criticises you for doing so, explain that that behaviour is criminal (it is) and say you won't discuss it further.

Do it.

Change your mindset. Don't hope that he'll change. He won't. Proceed on the understanding that he won't ever change.

It will feel worse before it feels better. Proceed knowing that.

Good luck xx

mathanxiety · 02/07/2022 03:55

Next time he screams at you or throws something, call the police again and this time DO NOT LET HIM BACK.

You own your house. Get an occupation order, and change the locks.

Tell him he is not to come back. If he comes back, call police and then petition for a non molestation order.

ThreeLocusts · 02/07/2022 05:45

mathanxiety · 02/07/2022 03:55

Next time he screams at you or throws something, call the police again and this time DO NOT LET HIM BACK.

You own your house. Get an occupation order, and change the locks.

Tell him he is not to come back. If he comes back, call police and then petition for a non molestation order.

That sounds good to me. But if it is more confrontational than you can stomachright now, contact WA, find out about shelters, look for a new job. You'll get there in the end. All the best.

PeanutButterOnToad · 02/07/2022 05:49

You need legal advice, and the support of Women's Aid or similar. Leaving is difficult and scary, being free of an abusive relationship is life changing. Good luck.

YetiTeri · 02/07/2022 06:02

You need not report everything to the police. Once it's on record, you're in a much stronger position post separation. Have you had any children's services involvement after the last police visit? Engage with them, they'll help you if you're honest.

CJsGoldfish · 02/07/2022 06:07

Can I still raise a good man if he lives with a narcissistic, woman hating bully?
Perhaps. But you can't raise an undamaged one.

YetiTeri · 02/07/2022 06:16

That should say 'you need to report'

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