To not understand how I'm supposed to leave abusive H

[Pleasehelpme38]

I've written here before. I actually got as far as locking him out and calling the police when he wouldn't leave. He was back in a week later, complaining he was homeless and it would be better. It has not been better.

He's either ignoring or screaming at me. Throwing stuff about. He woke me up this morning shouting. He's threatened to kill me if I tried to take any money or DS. He's told me I'm ill and a danger to my child and I'm wrong if I think I'm taking his child away from him.

I work for him. I own our house. How am I actually supposed to leave? I don't have any family or friends to go to. The council wouldn't give me anywhere. I already own a house. But I can't kick him out.

And even if I got somewhere to live. He still has a right to see DS and I couldn't ever let him have him without me there.

But you can't just say "he's abusive" and stop him seeing his child. So DS is safer if I stay? But I don't want him to grow up to be like his dad. Can I still raise a good man if he lives with a narcissistic, woman hating bully?

I just feel so hopeless, and such a shit mum for bringing my little boy into this. I didn't know it would be like this.

Women's aid are brilliant, I was in one of their refuges for four months a while ago and it was honestly fine. The relief of being free was enormous.

OP do you own the house outright or is there still a mortgage to pay? (Which presumably would be tied to your working for him) if you have no ties a fresh clean start somewhere totally different where he can't find you would be a good goal but I know that's easier to say than do.

He won’t want to see ds more than every other weekend.

Ds will be safer if you leave h.

I'm so sorry that you're in this position OP, please remember that this is not your fault, he is the one who is abusing you.

Is he abusive towards your son (aside from abusing his mum infront of him)?

Witnessing domestic abuse is now classed as child abuse in itself. Even if the child is not in the same room. There has been a lot of research done, and they found that the effects of witnessing DA is so bad for children that it qualifies for being abusive in of itself.

I urge you to call your local domestic abuse charity. Ours would provide you with someone to support you through the process of leaving.

Restraining order? Police?

Forget about the job as it's with him, there are other jobs and you will get one when you're sorted.

Go down to local social welfare office (i'm not in the uk but assume the model is similar to in my own country) there will be emergency payments, there will be something you can apply for until you get a new job. You may need proof you have initiated divorce so do that. Get restraining order first. Get bank statements. Be prepared to call the police.

In some ways I was unlucky as I left with NOTHING but as I wasn't married I had no legal rights to anything so although it was still very hard I left with a ruck sack and two kids and started again and the ''system'' did help me.

If he's your husband, then assets are jointly owned.

Pretty sure that's incorrect.

It's easy to say just throw him out, I tried that a few times and him saying he was homeless and would change - I took him back ( I shouldn't have). In the end I paid the deposit and first months rent for a flat for him, I shouldn't have had to but honestly the best money I ever spent - could you afford to do something similar?

Please please contact womens aid and the police.
do you have any support from friends?

its easy to say and harder to do but you’ve got to get him out and ignore him. Anything he says about changing is bs and you can’t take the risk of believing him.

how old is your DS?

my advice (and I’ve been to family court a lot!) is let him take you to court.

good luck x

Yeah, so am I.

OP, if you post on the Relationships board you’ll get more/better quality advice. And call Women’s Aid as soon as you can.

Women’s Aid were a great help to me. I would recommend calling them.

Also speak to a solicitor. Lots do a 1 hour free initial consultation which will give you a good idea of your rights and options.

And most of all, be kind to yourself. This is really hard but you will get through it.

Speak to BWA and social services your child needs help too.
They might insist he leaves or say this is safe guarding concern

Do not go to a refuge if you are and benefits they will charge you £400 a week for bed-and-breakfast. And why the fuck should you leave anyway it’s your house.

*arent on benefits

You need a good solicitor not well meaning government agencies who are clueless in divorce.

Protect your child. Make that the priority. I presume you've got no support network as he has successfully eroded that over the years. But there are external agencies that can help you, as listed above, a support group may also help you make some more personal connections.

You might also need to reach out to some of the ones "lost" on the way, but perhaps when you've got things in motion.

You're still under his spell. You believe everything he says instead of the law of the land, which does not allow people to abuse their partner or child.

You can ask for support if you truly have nobody. Your doctor, your child's school etc. Nobody wants a child to have to live like this, they will help you.

Your situation is a little unclear and it matters in terms of what action you can take. Are you married or is he your partner and you own the house?

Bloody hell. I didn't know they charged. I stupidly thought it would be free for all women regardless of income. Like, you know, an emergency. I'm really shocked at that.

The people responding are so naive. Yes you will loose your home, yes you have to continue to communicate and yes your child willl be 50 50 unrestricted care. Courts rarely accept the abuse. That came from a solicitor.

Oh no one of the first things they will do is assess your financial situation and whether you’re able to pay.

seven years ago we relocated from another country and had to access emergency accommodation and I had savings, the local authority charged me an absolute arm and a leg, we would’ve been better off checking in to an actual hotel. And the absolute laugh of it was there was a service charge for support services somebody was meant to come round and make sure that I was okay presumably because most people in the circumstances are fleeing domestic violence. In four weeks nobody turned up.

Sorry its taken so long to reply. Woken at 6am again today to shouting and throwing things other bed. When I told he was behaving aggressively he tried to take my phone off me "so I couldn't call the police". I've been keeping my phone and keys on me at all times but now I'm scared he's going to take them while I'm asleep.
He hasn't threatened to hurt DS. He's told me he'll take DS off me. He's told me he'd kill me if I took anything that's his (the house, business, money, DS).

DS is 12 months, I work while looking after him, so I couldn't get another job as I don't have childcare. I also have a non-existent CV. I've been with him my whole adult life.

He's never hit me, but he's deliberately caused me pain to punish me, like when I had my c section he'd refuse to do things to help and just watch me cry in pain because I'd dared ask for his help.

I'm going to have to leave the house. I honestly think he'd burn it down with us in it if I stayed.

What's the standard contact expectation of a 12mo that spends all day and night with their mother?

We're married. But the house and mortgage are in my name. When I got the mortgage he signed something saying he had no financial interest in it. I don't think I have a copy but I imagine the mortgage broker do as it was for their security. That could help me. That was before we married though.

Also, if daily mail read this, please don't put it on fb and stuff like last time I asked for help. If he sees I'm done for.

Please, please ring a domestic abuse helpline op, honestly, they will give you the support you need. You shouldn't have to move out of your home.