To not understand how I'm supposed to leave abusive H

[Pleasehelpme38]

I've written here before. I actually got as far as locking him out and calling the police when he wouldn't leave. He was back in a week later, complaining he was homeless and it would be better. It has not been better.

He's either ignoring or screaming at me. Throwing stuff about. He woke me up this morning shouting. He's threatened to kill me if I tried to take any money or DS. He's told me I'm ill and a danger to my child and I'm wrong if I think I'm taking his child away from him.

I work for him. I own our house. How am I actually supposed to leave? I don't have any family or friends to go to. The council wouldn't give me anywhere. I already own a house. But I can't kick him out.

And even if I got somewhere to live. He still has a right to see DS and I couldn't ever let him have him without me there.

But you can't just say "he's abusive" and stop him seeing his child. So DS is safer if I stay? But I don't want him to grow up to be like his dad. Can I still raise a good man if he lives with a narcissistic, woman hating bully?

I just feel so hopeless, and such a shit mum for bringing my little boy into this. I didn't know it would be like this.

So you may well have to leave the house at least in the short term. Is there honestly nowhere that you can go friends family, literally I don’t think people realise that other people will help you if you just reach out and ask. I had a friend and her two children in my sons bedroom for four weeks while she sorted things out. You would be genuinely amazed how helpful people will be once they know how dire the situation is.
long term, you need a solicitor and to get back to work.

my friend is a CV writer I’ll give you his details on LinkedIn and Instagram he will collaborate all the skills that you’ve had in that business into a CV that will make you employable please do private message me and I will put you guys in touch.

@Nothappyatwork as I was reading your post I was thinking surely a hotel would be cheaper. And even if people have savings they're going to need them for the bumpy times ahead. Thank goodness for forums like this so women can find out the reality and plan before they take action. Still shocked.

I was given absolutely appalling advice as well, I think these charities and agencies are great at removing you from immediate danger which it does sound like this lady needs however as soon as possible you need to pull yourself together and get back on your feet. And that’s when you need the really good lawyers. I was told to walk away from the house, walk away from his pensions don’t fight it’s not worth it well yeah actually it is.

I fought fires for about five years following leaving him and then I’ll be honest I had a complete fucking breakdown but then I pulled myself back together again I have come out so much stronger I think I mentioned in this post or another one that I am at least in the same position as I was in before I left him 10 years ago, obviously I’m 10 years older and wasted a lot of time and energy fighting shit that I should not I’ve had to have done but I’ve got there in the end and I’m okay. The kids are okay.

He has threatened to kill you. Take your child "to the park" via a police station or ring them outside the home and ask fir help. This is a really serious situation, please take it seriously and get our now with your child. The house can be sorted out later, your safety is the prime concern for now.

It's heartbreaking @Nothappyatwork that these agencies are failing women. You would have no idea until you're already in too deep. It's so helpful sharing on MN so women know what to expect and what advice not to follow! I'm glad you're all sorted now and you can get back to being you but like you say, you won't get back those wasted years. Do these agencies need more people like you to work for them or is red tape the problem? I'm pretty sure if you asked the average person they would think a lot of the help would be funded by the government.

I would guess this is not the first time the OP has heard this from him. It's such a difficult situation. Women fall into the trap of waiting until they are physically assaulted but all the other stuff is abuse too. Slowly isolated, gaslighting, telling them they're the one that is ill. And sometimes they're good at convincing other people too. Bloody unfair.

At the risk of being really offensive and I probably will be they are staffed by people who are in the lower social economic groups in my experience.
people who don’t really understand how the world works, beyond benefit advice. if they were in the position of the OP they wouldn’t be leaving a lot behind. And in an emergency that doesn’t matter you literally just need to be safe first and foremost however,
there’s most definitely a gap in the market for support for people who earn £1000 a week and do own property and pensions and shouldn’t have to grab their kids in the middle of the night and run and then leave it all behind.

I suppose something that would sit between a counsellor and a solicitor because what you end up doing if you’re not careful is using your solicitor as a counsellor at 350 £ an hour that’s not very cost-effective.

I understand what you're saying. It's no wonder many women decide to try and stick it out until their children are older 😔

OP I can assure you that you cannot raise a mentally stable and healthy adult from an abusive home if you stay in this environment with your child. I work with mentally unwell people and the one commonality that 99% of them share is childhood trauma. My son witnessed physical and emotional DV when he was a child and it has caused him huge problems. There is no sheltering children from being in the same environment as a sociopath. Because that’s what your husband is. He is bullying you and it’s unacceptable. If your child witnesses the way your husband treats you, speaks to you and controls you he will likely end up treating his future partner in the same way, and also he will hold contempt for you as an adult. It’s unfair that victims get blamed in these situations but more often than not the victim (usually mum) is held responsible by the child for not leaving when she had the chance.

DV is an extremely complex problem. I can remember not wanting to leave because he got inside my head. One minute he was charming, the next he was vicious. But I loved him. He groomed me at the start and made me believe he could be everything I’d ever wanted… and then it changed. Then he was so full of hatred all the time. I wanted to change him and hoped one day he could be the man I wanted him to be. But he was in capable. Leaving was hard. I didn’t have the financial ties as I was much younger at the time so I realise how much this complicates matters.

Id suggest that the first thing you do is seek legal advice from a solicitor (free 30 minutes) and maybe just report this bloke to the police! If you have evidence even better. If you report him then you’ll be able to get a non molestation order. He will be arrested (don’t tell him to expect this) I would encourage you to have him arrested when you’re at home and he’s not so you stay in the home. That way he won’t be able to come near it even if he was to own the house in full it’s the family home and he is the perpetrator so you can stay. You’ll get legal aid if you can’t afford legal fees because there’s DV and you are entitled.

word of warning- he will say ANYTHING to manipulate you including that he’ll take your son and claim there’s something wrong with you. He’ll threaten to call social care etc… let him. Having worked closely with safeguarding over the years my advice is that social care are well trained to recognise perpetrators vs victims and they will have heard it all. They will most likely be quite a support for you and will be able to help you.

worst case scenario you have to go to a refuge for a bit and sell the home without living there? You can refuse contact with him yourself so access to your child can be arranged via a contact centre.

Trust me when I say you CAN leave this man if you want to. Don’t feel trapped anymore. Nothing will ever change if you don’t take action somewhere along the line.

@Kiwistar this thread is over 8 months old.