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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how many Adult DC financially help their parents ?

92 replies

hattie43 · 01/07/2022 17:26

I am an Adult DC and often have to help financially to bail out my parents .

It's not like they haven't had good incomes over the years but have never prepared for retirement in any meaningful way . They've spent everything spare money wise on holidays , hobbies , etc .cars etc

I feel resentful tbh but don't want to see them struggle .

Anyone else in the same boat .

OP posts:
Nowtnorsummat · 02/07/2022 13:26

I think mine expect it to happen: they live beyond their means and seem to think their children can and will help them out down the line. I don't want to see them struggle but I can't get my head round them living a life currently that I can't afford to have, then expecting me to cover them for it later.

Eek3under3 · 02/07/2022 13:30

DH has just had to pay 2k for MILs rent deposit and first month’s rent, money we won’t get back and don’t really have to spare.

MissMaple82 · 02/07/2022 13:31

AuntieMarys · 01/07/2022 17:39

I would be horrified if my dcs did.

Maybe they are

gabsdot45 · 02/07/2022 13:39

We pay my mils electricity and gas bills.
She is terrible with money and we've had to pay off money lenders a few times in the past.
She spends ridiculous amounts of money on Christmas presents for us all, always has, so this way she doesn't use money lenders. It's just like we're paying for our own Christmas presents.

ZaZathecat · 02/07/2022 13:42

My mum was single and in low paid job. We were in well paid jobs and living comfortably, so of course we helped out financially.

butterflied · 02/07/2022 13:52

We treat them occasionally and pay subscriptions etc, that's all they'll allow (and all we can afford).

BTcherokii · 02/07/2022 14:14

No.

It's different when I see friends whose parents have had a catastrophic event like awful financial products missold (endowment mortgage in one friend's parents case). Or truly ill health like a terminal illness or accident etc

But in my parents case it was just pissing it up the wall with nothing to show for it. Moving house (with all the taxes and removal fees and redecorating) multiple times in short periods because they no longer liked some trivial aspect or wanted a slightly bigger garden etc. Spending on expensive poorly reliable cars. Spending on family members birthday and Christmas gifts despite not having a close relationship and not even liking them just to "show" another group of relatives how well they were doing. No actual payment into a pension. Replacing the sofa every year, etc. Not shopping around for any bills - I asked my mother what she was doing about the energy crisis/expenses and I learned that she doesn't know who the supplier is, hasn't opened any bills from them for years and STILL opens the windows to cool the house despite the thermostat being set to 24 degrees (no kidding). And on and on are the examples of just shite money management/attitude.

My mum has a better mobile phone and internet package than we can afford despite being not really interested in technology etc. - which is fine. But i consider paying her phone bills etc if I myself couldn't afford it despite working full-time and having done so since I was 16, without any financial support from them since?! Madness.

I look back at my childhood and they showed me all the things NOT to waste and spend money on.

Now they're in their late 60s and 1 in failing health I'm not robbing my own children of money simply to continue to fund a lifestyle extravaganza that I myself have never been able to afford.

And that's what we're talking about - robbing their grandkids.

My parents in law are in a similar situation albeit they started to cut their clothing to their retirement income levels fortunately - had a similar attitude to my parents but DH and I made it clear we weren't going to be paying their bills long before retirement.. it was mentioned several times!!

What's worse is the whole set of them think we're loaded, when the reality is that we have an income level that's ok, but doesn't buy a lot of extras - no streaming TV service, no coffee on the way to work, car chosen for reliability and shared in the house, constantly looking around for voucher deals and utility comparison savings.. I think their understanding of the world is based on it 30+years ago.

Neither set of parents both had to work full-time while raising children for example, while we've never had a choice about going part time.. we couldn't pay the bills and the mortgage. And we're in a great position compared to when renting etc.. we're the "lucky" ones of our generation!

BTcherokii · 02/07/2022 14:21

Also to add.. it's like old age has crept up on mine without warning. I have no idea what my parents were planning when dad can no longer work. There's a totally unsuitable house for old age which cannot be easily adapted, mortgage still running. Lots of credit cards and I think an old loan. Neither parent has a pension worth much (dad has an old occupation one worth about £100 a month last time I spotted paperwork projections). Mum doesn't even have more than about a year of national insurance contributions in her name.

Financially, fuck knows. I guess I might be their pension plan?

But any spare cash we have gets funnelled to DC savings, and it's not much.

Certainly nowhere near to pay their bills, and anyway I wouldn't fund a lifestyle that I can't afford anyway.

It's mind boggling.

MissMogwai · 02/07/2022 14:33

I don't need to as my parents are very comfortable but I would try and help them out if needed. However they are considerably wealthier than me, Thanks to excellent pensions and making lots of money on their houses as they originally bought in the early 70's for £3K or something!

I don't think my mum would ever ask me though, she would be too proud. Dad wouldn't have any qualms 🤣

fishingpaintings · 02/07/2022 14:35

I want to help my parents but they're having none of it.

OhRiRi · 02/07/2022 14:36

My mother in law lives with us. She's always worked minimum wage jobs, was a single parent and has never owned her own home. She's now in her early 60s, in poor health and can only work part time. She lives with us, contributes towards the rent and bills but would struggle to fund a 1 bedroom flat or similar. I also insure her dog and pay the other vet bills that aren't covered by that (vaccinations, flea/worm treatments/dental work etc). On the plus side the kids have an amazing relationship with her as a result and it works well - we can go off on holiday and she's here to look after the house, she goes off to visit friends and we're here to look after the dog.

Kona84 · 02/07/2022 15:11

I sometimes feel like a cash cow to my family.
most often they pay it back but there has been more than one occasion where I have had to beg for the money back.
im on maternity leave and no longer getting SMP and still have the weekly request for money.
No matter how much I say I can’t afford it

BruceWaynettaSlob · 02/07/2022 15:19

Time to stop throwing money at them. It's time they learned there's consequences to their actions.

Nowtnorsummat · 02/07/2022 15:22

@BTcherokii I can relate to so much of what you have written

Mary46 · 02/07/2022 15:49

No Im only part time wages. Never got into it. Her house repairs can be high as house old. Where do you stop if you start paying though. Find our own costs enough here with cost of living now...

Honeysuckle9 · 02/07/2022 15:58

With my DM we kind of did a quid pro quo. She childminded for us and we paid her the equivalent salary

An issue has arisen though now that post covid dc are older and we are working from home so DC don’t need minding..DH lost his job and is now in a lower earning role and we have a significant mortgage and teen DC so we are not in a position where we have money to throw around which is difficult for everyone.DM misses the money and I feel guilty.

it’s made me so determined to not be dependent.

DM is Mortgae free which is at least something

Famalamabunfight · 02/07/2022 19:04

Not a chance would I do that, tho that doesn’t mean the hints won’t keep coming from my in-laws

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