To ask how many Adult DC financially help their parents ?

[hattie43]

I am an Adult DC and often have to help financially to bail out my parents .

It's not like they haven't had good incomes over the years but have never prepared for retirement in any meaningful way . They've spent everything spare money wise on holidays , hobbies , etc .cars etc

I feel resentful tbh but don't want to see them struggle .

Anyone else in the same boat .

No, although my parents only had manual / low paid jobs my mum always ensured they had savings. Now it’s just my mum she’s still managing to save from a pension. I would help her out though if required. Not sure if my brother would, but then his wife has to support her parents who live overseas. It’s pretty common in many cultures

After my fil died my mil can't manage on her small pension and pension credit so DH and I top her up by paying a few bills for her but she does not know it because she asked DH to sort out her banking and bills for her because fil did that and she had only ever handled cash for food shopping. She has a bank statement every 3 months but I know she does not even open them she just leaves all dd and bills to be paid by DH from her pension and pension credit. She draws £100 per week for food shopping and window cleaner and she always pays cash. She never uses a debit or credit card. She won't use a mobile or microwave either. It is as not a lot just mostly gas and electricity as she gets cold. He also lets her think she is not using it all so has extra left for Xmas.

That's not helping her, its helping you 😂

Nope. Mine are both still working and would never take it. I'd happily treat them to meals out etc but I know they wouldn't accept anything further. My dh has just arranged a direct debit to my mil, she has never asked outright for money but has previously asked us to buy her summer clothes or specific shoes. She is a widow with no income, has s small pension from fil and owns her home. Bil lives with her and takes care of the grocery shopping and other household bills.

I don't blame you for feeling resentful, OP.

On the flip side, DH and I both had our fathers die young, with mothers raising families on their own. Both mothers had mortgages paid, lived frugally and left some money in savings when they died. Bless their souls, I don't know how they did it.

If the adult children live in rich countries and emmigrated with parental help to benefit the entire family, it's totally normal.
If the adult child lives in the same country and isn't very wealthy, I think it's a bit unfair. The parents chose to have children, the child didn't choose to be born.

No.

Both sets of parents have way more money than we do!

We've bought my parents a flat as the sheltered accommodation my parents were in wasn't suitable or practical and too far away for me to help them with every day bits. My mum has medical issues and my dad is her carer, I give my dad respite twice a week and help with life admin/do their shopping so everything isn't all resting on my dad's shoulders.
We also pay for them to come on holiday with us once a year.

Suppose it depends on how much you like them, whether they deserve it or whether you can afford it.
I do remember a Dear Deidre letter where a mum wrote in complaining about her selfish son who went to uni and says he can't afford to pay keep to her.

Not at all! My money is for my bills and caring for my own DCs.

I would never on this earth expect my DCs to help me out financially when they are adults. Their money will be for their own care and that of my GC, if I have any.

I help mine out with bits and pieces. They don’t ask but I regularly buy them stuff they need or can’t afford. I pay for my mum’s mobile and send her things and so on. My dad’s in residential care and I buy him things like clothes, useful gadgets, DVDs, books, magazine subscriptions etc.

They were comfortable in retirement until my dad needed residential care but that basically takes most of their joint income and my mum struggles. If I could help out more, I would. It’s not my mum’s fault she’s suddenly found herself having to stress about money so I wouldn’t resent it.

No. But if me and my mum go out for dinner I'll insist I pay.

I am free of all that shit, thankfully.

My parents were loaded but never shared any of their good fortune.

When our second child was born with a disability which stopped me working, they didn't help. Neither did dh parents.

My parents were abusive and I am
nc which means I never have to help them in any way ever again.

They are reaping what they sowed.

I’m the parent and I’d be mortified to take money from my adult DDs. Very boring but I planned to retire at 50, 55 at most and planned accordingly.
I am a bit funny about money though ( never had a credit card or loan, if I can’t pay for it I don’t have it) so perhaps it’s an old fashioned thing.

This is so lovely.

My mum and dad had plans for retirement but my dad died fairly young and it all changed.
My mum isn't retired yet and has a few years to go still, manages ok but both me and db happily and willingly help out if she needs it. Rarely anything big, things like needing a new washer unexpectedly, an emergency repair/unexpected bill. I also pay for her to come on holidays with us, she's happy to spend more time with the dc and wouldn't get one otherwise.

She won't ever say she needs help or ask us and there's no expectation but neither of us think twice about it. We are both financially ok and talk about it so if one of us couldn't spare the money the other covers it.

I can see why there'd be resentment where the parents expect financial or even practical help or when it's their own doing (like never saving or planning).

I help mine, because I love them and because they are quite poor. Not because they made "bad decisions", they just worked hard all their lives in jobs society doesn't value very highly. I am much better off than they are. They are proud and wouldn't accept actual money, so I buy things they need (like a stair lift) or pay for things they wouldn't spend money on like eating out or holidays.

Not all pensioners are well off. Many don't own their own homes. Many spent their lives working hard in poorly paid jobs or caring for others.

My darling mum got royally fucked over by my father. She scrimped, saved and did without to do her best for us kids. When I graduated I gave her an awful lot more board than she asked for and often fill up the cupboards with a "big shop". She never ever would have asked but I know she appreciated it.
If she was still alive, I would probably still be doing that. I look at what is going on with the cost of living and know that my mum would have really been struggling.

My siblings wanted to and my mum was keen to receive big household improvement gifts every year. I was a Sahm and my dh worked long hours, although the money he earned was family money I just couldn’t justify spending it on what I saw as vanity projects - my siblings don’t speak to me anymore because I said no. I guess our relationship was put to the test and it failed - good to know sooner.

No because neither they nor I need help - but we each treat the other to meals etc. If my parents needed help later on I would give it as they have been fantastic parents and really help us out even now practically

I’m 58 DB is 60
We help DM with costs of care as we both work full time and can only do so much
DM has dementia and at some point we will need to pay care home top ups etc as we did for DF (now deceased)

I give my mom and dad housekeep every month. I dont live with them. Both my parents are pensioners and have the basic pension but struggle to make ends meet each month. They refused to take money off me at first but the last few years have been hard for them and they reluctantly accept my help.

They have both worked hard all their working.lives but not in great paying jobs, there were weeks where my parents lived on toast to make sure my brother and I were fed so I don't begrudge a penny if anything I wish I could give more than what I give them

No. my parents still help me and I'm 40. Dad has quite a bit of cash but he only lends if I need it. Mum is dysfunctional but still sorts herself out financially and will give me bits here and there as gifts.

I don't need to help my DM as she is financially sound. My DDs don't need to help us as we are financially sound. We help our DDs when needed but not for bailing them out but for education, house purchase etc.

We funded grandparents care jointly with other relatives, since passed away. My parents have more than me, exh's parents are his business now thankfully (have no money), Dp's dm has a large portfolio so no is there answer. Still funding young adults currently